The spot where I stretched after a WoD, and extra cardio, which means yes, my big fat ass not only sweat through my boxers, but my shorts as well, and then seeped into the rubber floor and probably has contaminated the entire box.
11/29 – 11/30/2011 Eating 200 Grams of Protein is Hard, and Ugly Feet
Yesterday was the first day of attempting to eat 200-225 grams of protein a day. This didn’t seem like a big deal, but when you are trying to change habits, it turns into an ordeal. By the early afternoon yesterday I had barely crossed the 100 gram threshold.
The thought of eating another 125 grams with dinner, and a snack wasn’t a pleasant thought especially because the body can’t digest more than 40 grams of protein at a time. I forced myself to have an early dinner, and then had two snacks over the course of 4 hours before bed. Some of my protein yesterday came in the form of protein powder (no not the Labrada stuff), without it I would have barely broken 150 grams.
In an effort to eat cleaner, I am researching online to find a couple of brands of protein powder that only have clean proteins in the mix, and don’t use artificial sweeteners or sugars. Most protein powders I found contain sucralose, it’s used in many foods as a calorie free sweetener but is 600 times sweeter than table sugar, and in a recent Duke University study was found to reduce good bacteria in the intestines of rats by 50%, it also increased the pH in the intestines and contributed to weight gain in the test rats, which is not at all surprising when you refer back to an earlier blog post where I wrote about a scientific study which found a direct link between artificial sweeteners and weight gain.
The theory being that the human brain connects sweet with high calories, and when those calories aren’t provided to the body after the receptors in your brain prep the body to take in the calories, your body responds by making you feel hungry so you eat calories dense foods so it gets what it’s been waiting for, so the “0” calories drinks cost you far more in the long run. This advice from a reformed Soda Monkey Crackwhore, there was a time where diet soda was my water.
The moral of the story for today is that first I was drastically under nourishing myself, if you think that I was most likely averaging 1800 calories a day, then on days that I worked out conservatively burned 800-1000 calories; this would have put me at a caloric threshold that tells the body to shut down because it’s starving. Eating 2500 calories is going to be hard, which is actually ironic because a year ago I was eating 7000-10000 calories a day to maintain the 370 plus pounds I was carrying.
The 2300 calories I ate yesterday felt like Thanksgiving dinner all over again, this is going to be difficult, it makes working out at Crossfit and doing extra cardio look like a visit to the massage parlor, not that I know what those are…
In moving forward I guess we’ll find out what happens.
Ugly Feet
I have troll feet, with an uncanny ability to use my big toe like a chimp. In fact I’m sure if I tried I could use chopsticks with my feet. Unfortunately there is no cosmetic procedure which will remedy my ugly feet, somewhere down the lineage on my father’s side I’m sure there is a troll or ogor who knocked up a random Korean Woman, savage troll. This chance encounter has created a genetic abnormality which involves the shape of my foot.
My heel, and Achilles area is super thin, and as you follow the curve of my foot towards the toes it bulges outward, then turns back in towards the toe, it’s like someone took my regular foot and smooshed the hell out of it to see if it could be any flatter, you then add the freakishly extended monkey toe, and you have a life of not enjoying shoe shopping because 90% of the time the shoes you want don’t fit, and the ones that feel good usually are ugly.
I finally went and bought a pair of minimalist shoes from Pacers last week, and the only pair that felt really good on my feet were the Brooks Pure Flow. They should rename this shoe Pure Ugly. It’s neon green. I don’t know why, maybe because most of the people who buy minimalist shoes are hardcore crazy runners, but the shoe companies make this type of shoe in the worst possible color patterns and schemes.
It’s almost like a freakish badge of honor, “I’m so fucking cool, and run so much that I can wear this ugly shit”. It may also be a liability issue because the hardcore runners are the ones you see running at the crack of dawn, so if you sell a normal color of shoe to one of these weirdoes and they get hit I’m sure some ambulance chaser will find a way to win a lawsuit, I’m not angry at all…fuck you…
WoD Today 11/30/2011
5 sets of 3 Clean and Jerks
Metcon
3 Rounds
10 Backsquats 185 lbs
10 Pull Ups
10 Ring Dips
I did four sets of Clean and Jerks at 135 lbs, and did 1 set at 155 lbs. You can see video of my first and and last set.
During the metcon I did the back squats at 185 lbs, and did ring rows, and ring dips on my toes. It took me 8:05, I’m still bummed that I’m not improving on either the ring dips, or the pull ups. I need to spend more time on improving these two areas.
After the Workout of the Day, I grabbed a rower and rowed three 8 minute pieces, with 2 minute breaks between each piece. I ended up rowing 6340 meters in thirty minutes.
I had an extended conversation with Ian last night, after I texted him in the morning for help. He was pretty nonchalant about meeting up with me, he did not question why, or offer assistance, it was as if he already knew the problem and solution…
We met up around 5 pm in Shirlington Village, we talked a bit about his business, I am keenly interested in what his company does, and wish it much success because he has great ideas and clearly understand his industry. When the subject of my issue came up, I was a bit uncomfortable, because I normally don’t like to talk about myself, but also have a hard time being told that I’m the cause of my own problems. Perhaps this is not uniquely an issue related to my personality, but I’m sure most people don’t like being told dumbass, get out of your own way.
Contrary to the beliefs of Annoyed Shady, Shay Shay Shady, and White Shady (who are all the same person), I don’t eat like shit, in fact my problem which I had to be told 1000 x by Ian is that I’m probably not eating enough. When I was working out with Ian on a regular basis he would tell me that my workout is not done until I ate some good clean protein, some carbs, and a fat after a workout to give my body the macronutrients it needs to rebuild itself.
He also told me some time ago, that I should eat approximately 1 gram of protein per pound of weight I want to weigh in the future, which means I should eat about 200-225 grams of protein on a daily basis, this is a tough concept to grasps, because at 4 calories per gram that’s already 1000 calories of my daily intake, and when attempting to eat only 1800-2000 calories a day to optimize my weight loss, there isn’t much room for anything else.
It is at this point he got a little annoyed with me, having told me the same thing for the thousands time, he again reiterated with the vigor of a football coach, I now paraphrase for effect, fuck nuts stop eating like a fat guy trying to be thin, and eat like an athlete. This is hard for me to grasp, because I don’t feel athletic or even remotely resemble an athlete; I’m a fit fat guy.
The kind of guy you look at and say he probably played sports in high school, and maybe college but clearly enjoyed pot and beer more than athletics, not that this happened, but when your college and you have friends who get the best pot you have smoked Fedex’ed to you, it’s kind of hard not to smoke up, play Mario Cart, and max out your meal cards flex points in an hour…not that I now what that’s like…pot is bad, it’s for hippies.
What he was telling me didn’t start to click, until he told me to look at the past 4 months. The workouts have been consistent, if anything I was over training, then look at my sleep, and rest, and the only variable that was not altered to match my work load was my food consumption. He said that it should be even more apparent now because I have picked 1 methodology of working out. Ian views Crossfit objectively, he feels it’s far better than most methods of “exercise” but it has its limitations. He’s not a hater, and he’s not a kool-aid drinker, he even thinks I should stick with it to prove to myself that the issue is my food consumption, or lack thereof.
When I started this evolution in March I was eating 1200 calories a day, so an increase to 2000 felt like I was over eating. So his suggestion to eat closer to 2500-3000 or not even care and to focus on the macronutrient profile is a scary fucking thought.
I feel like a guy who is climbing a mountain, a difficult mountain, and every pound lost is a step towards the summit and up until July the less I ate the more steps I was taking towards to the summit. Today it feels like if I eat more, then I am sliding backwards, because I will gain weight.
Ian further explained the point to me that if I don’t give my body the nourishment it needs to rebuild itself, it will find this energy on its own, namely in my muscle tissue. I may be getting all this wrong, but he said after a workout I have damaged muscle tissue, and that the body needs protein to recover and rebuild tissue. When I under nourish myself and then ask it to build muscle, it’s going to choose survival over building new muscle, so it will just consume the damaged muscle tissue, because it’s easier than trying to mobilize stored fats.
He told me I could choose to not eat, and continue doing what I’m doing, and that if I ate less that I probably would lose weight, but that over the larger scope of time I would have lost far muscle tissue than fat, and end up being a thinner fat guy.
I don’t want to be a fit fat guy, nor do I want to be a thin fat guy. I have a clear picture of what a man should be physically, and that’s what I’m striving for, it has nothing to do with the bullshit marketing that’s out there, but more about feeling more rugged, masculine, and ultimately powerful.
In the interest of testing this theory, and possible get out of this plateau I made a decision to see how long I can go trying to eat 225 grams of protein a day, so I am going back to a food journal. I’ve given myself a 5 lbs window, so if I go back up to 280 lbs as a result, I will continue to see it through, if I get above that number I know I’ve fucked this up somehow.
I also have a 30 day window. I said I would see Crossfit through the month of December, and I plan on sticking to that plan, now I am adding a 30 day window of eating enough protein to sustain muscle mass at a lighter weight.
I was also given a token, the extra cardio he says is probably not doing much for me, but if it makes me feel better I should keep doing it, he called it my placebo, I call it trying to find my dark place.
I never thought I would reach a point where I would have to eat more to lose weight, we shall see if this is the right plan.
(NOTE: Anyone who is considering Crossfit, and unsure about the Crazy people throwing barbells around, and feel intimated by what you preceive, read the following post, and then read all the remarks from people I have met through Crossfit, it's the community that brings you back to ednure the pain.)
This fucking sucks. Sucks big hairy ball sack, I was reflecting on the last 4 months, so I went back and read my blog posts from July. Since July I’ve lost 8 lbs. THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO AVAIL!!!!!!
July is also the month that I started to incorporate Crossfit into my workouts. I am beginning to make a connection that Crossfit is not conducive to weight loss. I think inevitably that the way workouts are designed you just don’t burn enough calories in an hour. I don’t want to hear a bunch of bullshit about muscle and fat, because during that same time I lost 2% body fat which is exactly the number of pounds that I lost, so I didn’t replace anything.
I understand that ultimately Crossfit is about building athleticism, and increasing ones overall well being, but I thought it could assist in the weight loss; clearly it is not a functional tool in losing weight. Even with the incorporation of additional cardio, I am not losing weight. If anything I have felt like I am heading in the other direction.
I am getting plenty of rest, and eating well, stress levels are relatively low, so all other arguments are moot.
I don’t want to fucking be a fit 275 lbs, its bullshit. I am going to see the next month through, because I told myself I would do 60 days of one methodology. If by January 1, I am not at least less than 270 lbs, I am going to change my plan, because this level of effort with no result is utter fucking crap.
4 fucking months straight of 0 progress!!!!!! If bullshit had a surname this would be it.
I enjoy doing Crossfit, I like the diversity, and the growing confidence I have in the work, but I will not be sitting here in 2012 at the same fucking weight, with the same fucking problems. I am fucked, fucked, fucked out.
If fucking shit had a first name it would be Louis.
I have no other thoughtful insights.
Just utter bitter hostility towards my body, and my present state of existence.
I am now at a point of considering taking a couple of weeks off, and putting myself in some low calorie, high cardio environment.
My last official weigh in was on September 4th 2011. I weighed 283 lbs., and had a body fat percentage of 32.2%. I’m not sure how I feel; I have this internal struggle, which is split between feeling fantastic about my overall improved strength, and state of mind, yet I am disappointed at the weight loss.
I realize that the entire month of September I was suffering from burnout, and much of my ashy existence was mental fatigue from the grind that I was putting myself through, 3-4 hours a day dedicated to working out is no way to live. Even worse was trying to juggle the time place, and method of my working out, each place and person was different, and each gave me something I needed at that time to push forward, yet not having an interconnected program was compounding my exhaustion, there would be times were I overworked one particular area of the body, or my mind would be ready for something new, and I would get stuck of more of the same from 3 different places.
In retooling my regime, Crossfit emerged as the methodology I was going to stick to, it became the easy choice, my trainer at Washington Sports Club quit, Ian’s availability wouldn’t have worked out, and the idea of doing the Arc Trainer 4 times a week was like standing at the top of a hill, and preparing to roll down it in a jacket filled with nails.
Whether or not it is was the right decision, I won’t know for quite some time, it’s very possible that I could have made further strides in actual weight lost doing other things in the same time, but Crossfit has given me three things crucial to my success. First I have a set time and place I need to be if I want to workout, second there is a bigger picture in terms of the planning of the overall work, as the weeks progress various skills are challenged, and improved upon, ultimately leading to the workouts that act as barometers of performance in Crossfit, and finally I am no longer alone. I may not be part of a team, but I am not a solo act, this could be the biggest cause of my mental lack of focus in September.
Losing large amounts of weight is a solitary venture, it is an internal battle fought day in and day out, minute by minute. When you’re not trying to break a food craving, you are trying to discipline yourself enough to go workout. In losing these small battles everyday, we lose sight of the bigger goal, our health, our ability to actually live, and our capacity to grow.
You forget how small successes can help create a winning attitude, because you are focusing on your small defeats, breeding more defeat. What makes everything worse, is that when you don’t have a support system your well meaning family and friends can actually make goals more difficult.
A recent example for me, my mother who wants nothing more than to see me nice and thin, made me some soup the other day…but she delivered it to me in what might as well be described as a bucket.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with a bucket of soup? She knows I pack a prepared meal, and that I stay away from certain foods, but in her desire to be a mother delivered a bucket of soup. If I ate all of the soup that she gave me, I would probably need to run a marathon to burn it all off.
Things being what they are, having a place to go where working intensely, and focused output is part of the culture has helped renew my vigor to get back down to 200 lbs. I often teach my staff at work that they are in complete control of how they respond to customers. If someone is being a “cack”, you have the ability to “choose” not to respond to that person in a negative way, if you “choose” to respond to bad behavior with obscene behavior then you have made a choice. Be clear it’s a choice, no one can make you act a certain way.
In examining the last few months I realized that I had made a choice to be miserable. I have lived almost half of my life as an obese person, and for much of that morbidly obese, meaning on the verge of death, so reprograming that part of the brain is tough. Sometimes these choices are so ingrained and part of my subconscious that I don’t even know that I’m doing it, it’s not until later when I’m out of it that I realize how bad my state of mind was previously.
Making a newer choice is always tough, especially when you are trying to override years of negative programing, yet the overall sense of community at Crossfit has helped me make this internal choice easier, and more consistent. I know when I get up at 5 AM that at the 6AM class at Patriot I will see many of the same faces. I may not know their names, or what they do for a living but I do know something very innate about that person. How they approach a WoD and how they interact with others tells a tall tale about the core of a person. 6 months from now I could start a blog called fuckcrossfit.com, but today it’s the core of what I’m doing to overcome my obesity.
I will continue to try and lose more weight rapidly by adding various forms of cardio, but not at the cost of my newfound strength and energy. I almost have to look at the last month as establishing a newfound baseline, for future performance.
Today 275 lbs, tomorrow 250 lbs, and in the near future 190 lbs…Chipping away at my weight like a long metcon, in incremental pieces, one fucking burpee at a time.
11/21/2011 Metcon
Video from Monday's Metcon, it's one of a half dozen workouts that I've done Rx, which means as prescribed for the uniformed. I ended up with a score which was respectable, 2 rounds + 11 reps. When I went to Potomac Crossfit to pick up my meals, I saw that the high score up until the early evening had been 2 + 15 reps. Not bad for a fat guy.
There is a 2 minute delay from the time the video starts, until the actual work begins. Also the last 2 minutes are my favorite, as I am clealry giving everything that I have left in the tank.
The WoD was to do 7 hang squat snatches, 7 squat cleans both with 95 lbs, and 75 feet of walking lungs with a 45 lbs plate.
I got up early this morning to drive Nancy to the bus station; she was going to New York with a friend, traveling on the Mega Bus. Her and her friend had no idea where they wanted me to drop them off, so I ended up making two laps around the Union Station traffic circle before I dropped them at the entrance of Union Station. Being the angry guy that I am, I was a bit agitated because the roads around Union Station right now is like driving through the capital of a war torn country, there are barriers, and pot holes everywhere.
I dropped off the dog at Doggy Daycare, which is like taking on another car payment every month, and then headed to Patriot for the 9:30 AM class. I knew what I was getting into; because Ericka told us the morning before that we would be doing Crossfit Total today.
Crossfit total involves doing Back Squats, Presses, and Dead lifts, then adding the weight together to come up with a total score.
The last time I did this I back squatted 265 LBS, pressed 135 lbs, and dead lifted 305 lbs.
Below you will see video of my first rep at 275 lbs, and my final one with an attempt at 285 lbs.
Next you will see the first attempt at 135 lbs, and then my final attempt at 145 lbs.
Finally you will see my first rep at 325 lbs, and my last rep at 355 lbs.
When I finished I had a final score of 775, not bad but it was a 70 point improvement from the last time. I was able to do 10 lbs more on both the back squat and press, and added 50 lbs to my dead lift. I was feeling good, that was until I saw Ericka and Jen do a final round of dead lifts.
Watching them do their final set of work made me realize I could have pushed harder. I was both in awe, and then pissed at myself for not trying harder. I was standing behind Jen and watching her bring the barbell up past the crux was incredible, you could see first each muscle of her posterior chain flexing, then she started to pump her body to get it up, up, up, and to the top.
It’s an impressive feat to see the human body use every ounce of energy it has stored within itself, to move an object. She gets the A for effort this morning. If you didn’t know what was going on it would have almost appear to have been some type of spasm or seizure, yet the level of control exerted to get the bar up was again extraordinary.
I can’t imagine what the expression on her face was like, but it said it all from behind, it made me reflect on my work, and I realized I should have pushed myself more, because I know I had more in me to reach a higher dead lift, and squat. I’m sure if I had taken another attempt at 285 lbs I would gotten it, the first attempt at 285 lbs I dumped it because my mind was ready, the second attempt I was getting up, up and I then I just gave up. I should have tried a third time, but I didn’t.
After the Crossfit Total, I grabbed a rower and rowed for about 20 minutes. I am using the Concept C2 websites’ workout of the day. Today the short work was a simple 1000 meter row followed by a 3 minute recovery period, with two more cycles of the same.
In any case I am looking forward to a day of rest, and pushing on into next week. I am going to do an official weigh in tomorrow, and see where I am, I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of weeks.
Went to my 6 AM Crossfit class, ready to woop Annie’s ass, Annie being one of the newer WoD’s named after a lady. Annie is downward ladder of 50 double unders, followed by 50 sit ups, 40 double unders, 40 sit ups, 30 double unders, 30 sit ups, 20 double unders, 20 sit ups, 10 double unders, and 10 sit ups.
I was actually looking forward to this WoD when I read it the night before.
What I completely missed with my small Asian eyes was the first part of the WoD which was an attempt to max box jump. Which to me is like asking how high can a hippo fly?
I’ve been working all of my Metcons at the 20” box, so when I found out about doing box jumps today I was actually excited to try it. I started by warming up at the 24” height. I did 3-4 sets of 2, and then was thinking about increasing the height, but I said okay let me get two more connected good ones.
FUCK!
My right foot didn’t get far enough on the box, and I slipped, and my leg was used as a brake against the corner of the wood box. Pictured below is the gash itself.
It caught me off guard; I didn’t think it was a big deal until I looked down at my leg. I started limping, and Kevin who was working with someone on a personal saw it and rushed over to help me.
He also helped me get it cleaned, and bandage it. When I walked back out onto the gym floor, Ericka rushed over to see how I was doing; at this point I was still unsure if I should go to the hospital. I kept limping around, I then had to re-tape it and decided you know what, I’m going to be even more pissed off if the doctor tells me I can’t workout for two weeks, so I decided the damage is done let’s finish this shit.
I went back to the box, and noticed that skin, and hair had been left on the box. I should have taken a picture but I was so embarrassed that I just cleaned it up. I flipped the box down to the 20” height, and did a couple of box jumps to test how my leg would handle it.
It didn’t feel that bad, so I added two plates, and tried it again. After a good couple of box jumps, I added a third, and it was not to be, my fear prevented me from jumping. I would swing my arms, to start the motion, and stop midway through, I’m absolutely sure I could have gotten to the height, but my bodies natural defense made me stop, and I wasn’t strong enough to overcome it.
I was able to do Annie, and I finished with a time of 10:10, doing all single unders, but did double the amount (50 double = 100 single). The sit-ups beat me up. After the first 50, I had to use my hands to give a slight tug at the mid point of the sit-up, it’s that point in any lift that I call the point of no return; it’s the half inch which is the crux of the movement.
Here is the unflattering video, I was going to do the jump rope facing the camera but decided I don’t want to watch my man boobs bounce up and down, so you can watch my large ass move up and down.
After the WoD I continued my plan, and did a bit of rowing. I did an interval program which is preprogrammed to the C2 Concepts rower. It was the first time I rowed on this machine, with the dampener at level 10. I am going to work at it until level 10 is a walk in the park.
While rowing, during one of the rest cycles, I was watching another personal session by another coach. He was working with an older guy, who was pushing himself hard. When he stood up, the coach yelled to Ericka to come help because he fainted. He lied on the ground for a bit, as people rushed to call 911, when the guy doing the personal session said its okay.
The man who fainted was lying on the ground, with his feet elevated on some plates. He was clearly conscious, but exhausted. My assumption was that he probably hadn’t eaten since the night before, and was suffering from low blood sugar. This guy was not overweight, and probably someone in his youth that was fit.
So today was a day of firsts for me at Crossfit, during the warm-up I did 5 or 6 one off double unders, I sustained my first battle scar from Crossfit, I saw my first fainting spell at Crossfit, and I rowed with the dampener at 10 for the first time. Not a bad way to start a Friday morning.
I’m pissed off, I don’t what it is, but I am angry. Angry because I allowed myself to get over 400 lbs, after having been close to 300 lbs in high school, then lost all of it, enjoyed 8 years of being lean, then got fat again. I am pissed that I am still stuck in the 270’s, and wear a size 42 pant. Fuck 42, and fuck you for staring at my large ass. I’m also angry that when I watch my workout videos I have a gut, and I still waddle like a 400 pounder.
When I’m in a workout I want to throw the barbell into the ceiling, or when rowing I want to physically move the rower across the gym floor. It comes from a fire which is lit by my past failures, disappointments, and indiscretions.
Desire
I want to be less than 200 lbs as much as I want to have fuck you money. I think about my weight and my physical state as much as I think about driving a Porsche 911 that I paid cash for, or being the American Heterosexual man that I am, having sex with Jessica Alba, by the way being the average guy I’m sure I would cut a digit off if it meant I could sleep with Jessica Alba.
I just want to achieve a state of excellence; I want to feel that gold that is the end of a black rainbow of pain. The problem with this desire is, at times I forget to love the race instead of the finish. Loving the race I feel is the difference between winners and losers, is that losers think too much about the accolades that come with winning, but don’t actually like the process, or don’t have the competitive spirit which all winners are uniquely attuned to, and almost seem like a manifestation of perfection.
I am beginning to appreciate the process more, and have truly started to live in the moments of each of my workouts, but a bit of me still think like a loser and wants that feeling of accomplishment.
The Dark Place
This is place is something I am seeking in each of my workouts. I am trying to work so hard that my body wants to self implode. The dark place is that moment where my body has reached exhaustion, and physical exertion isn’t enough anymore, it’s the mental fortitude that pushes me through the workout. I think of my dark place like entering a cave with no access to light, it’s cold, dark, and I am very alone. I struggle to climb the walls, and the more I exert the darker, and tighter the cave becomes. Just in that moment of the walls caving in, in that moment that I can’t breathe anymore, I see a glimmer of light, and that glimpse to freedom reinvigorates my efforts, and I break out of the cave like Uma Thurman breaks out of her coffin in Kill Bill.
It’s in this moment; I begin to understand who I am, and why I walk the earth. If I wasn’t working out, I would probably think I was on peyote.
My Dark Place is addictive, it’s progressive, and the more I workout the harder it is to find.
Wanting to Feel Normal
A part of my motivation is to just feel normal. I’ve spent 2/3 of my life feeling like an outsider, because of my weight. On the one hand it is why I think outside of the box, and have insights which I feel are different than most peoples, it could also be why I have such a fucked up sense of humor.
But feeling socially ostracized, even if it’s self induced, sucks. I still don’t like going out with my friends because I feel uncomfortable in crowded rooms, or bars. My narcissism makes me think that everyone in the room is staring at me, like “Oh who let the Sumo Wrestler Out?”
I no longer want to buy clothes at the Fat Guy Store, I mean the “Casual Men” store, which is code for “We Only Sell Pants with The Stretchy ‘Relaxer’ which is further code for ‘It Fits When I Standing, but When I Sit my Girthy Midsection Make Normal Pants want to Burst’”. I hate walking into this store, and am so close to never having to shop there that I’m pissed that I’m not there yet, it’s I’m on an island and standing between me and civilization is a river of molten hot lava that is just beyond my ability to jump across it.
Climbing Denali
I went on an Outward Bound trip in high school, and I fell in love with the mountains. It’s on this trip that I decided I want to climb Mount McKinley which is in the Denali National Park. I think that I can work up to doing this by the summer of 2013.
I realized a month ago 2012 is too soon, but my plan is to go to a 1 or 2 week Mountaineering School to refresh my skills, and learn some new ones, then working towards climbing McKinley. Climbing Mountain Peaks in high school and college was my first experience with the Dark Place, and I think I want to reconnect to that part of my soul by following through with one of my high school desires.
I have other motivators which are less important, but these 5 are at the core of my desire to become leaner, and more athletic.
11/17/2011 Thursday Morning Workout
Apparently PCF will doing more Olympic lifts during our power lifting sessions, it’s part of a new “cycle” of work, which is why this week we have been working on establishing 1 rep maximums for Clean and Jerks, and Snatches. Yesterday was an off day for me so I didn’t establish a 1 rep maximum for power cleans or clean and jerk.
I established 1 rep maximum today of 135 lbs for my Squat Snatch and 115 lbs for my Power Snatch. I am confident that I can Power Snatch 135 lbs but by the time I got to doing Power Snatches I was exhausted and my form was not breaking down but broken.
Here is video from my Snatches.
The Metcon was a 5 minute AMRAP of 1 handed kettle bell snatches, and 10 pull ups. I did the kettle bell snatches with a 35 lbs kettle bell and did ring rows instead of pull ups. My strength to weight ratio is not in the right place, so I am 100% sure I have to drop to less than 250 lbs before I can start doing pull ups.
I finished 3 rounds and 20 reps for the Metcon. There is no video because I no longer want to see myself flailing when doing ring rows.
After the Crossfit WoD I rowed for 40 minutes doing a session of treading. I am going to incorporate rowing as an after workout calorie burner. On days that we have short Metcons I will do a rowing session which is based on the C2 Concepts Workout of the Day which is posted on their website.
Last week a high school friend passed away. He and I graduated in 1997 at Gonzaga College High School, an all male Jesuit Run preparatory school in Washington, DC. It sits behind The Capitol Building on Eye Street, NW, the first bricks being laid in 1815, originally opened as a place a “House of Novices” for the Jesuits; it later in 1821 it changed its course and became open to laymen.
Most of my closest friends today are friendships that I forged in the halls of Gonzaga, it teaches a classic education, with religion as part of its core curriculum. The greater lessons learned while at Gonzaga are unintended life lessons, which brew from the unique environment of being a single sex school, it’s dichotomy in location, sitting 4 blocks from Unions Station and The Capitol, while surrounded by an impoverished greater community where, many suburban young men see homelessness for the first time, but also from the core philosophy of the school.
MFO
Men For Others, an idea and principle which is so simple that it’s genius, which is why today in modern society I believe it is forgotten. If nothing else, a freshman who decides not to stay at Gonzaga will walk away with the idea that the world is a better place when we look at it as stewards, and that compassion for others is not a sign of weakness but a sign of human strength. This did not mean we gave money away to the first homeless person we saw, in fact we were instructed by the school that if we felt the need to help don’t give them money, but offer to buy them a meal, or hot cup of coffee, because there would be a high probability that person you were trying to help would use that money to further keep themselves in a state of helplessness.
The sports teams we played on were like a big fraternity, and the bond that was formed on and off the field is something that I don’t think you can replicate in a coed school, how can you, when you always have your guard up because of the opposite sex?
It is here that I met Darren my freshman in Father Lilly’s biology class. Father Lilly was straight out of some bad TV movie which portrays all Catholic Priests as archaic monsters who like to whip children. Imagine that character but with a bit of clumsy charm, he taught the only way he knew how. Memorize what I tell you, fuck the text book, and you’ll pass my class. This would have been great if we were studying philosophy or sociology, but he taught biology. To this day I have no idea why I learned about CORFU, but I assure you anyone who went to Gonzaga during his tenure will instantly connect CORFU with Father Lilly.
Darren was a hard guy not to notice, and not because he was asking for attention. He carried an ever-present ear to ear full face smile; he had the type of smile that when you saw it, you knew it was like a fingerprint, it was something he was born with. He always had something off the wall to say, which sometimes was very funny, and other times made you ask “What did he smoke this morning?”
We were of a smaller percentage of students who lived in Virginia, so we just sort of got along because a strange rivalry exists at Gonzaga, which is solely based on the state that you live in, I have had many arguments with classmates on why Maryland sucked ass, and Virginia was the best place in the world.
I don’t want to give the wrong impression Darren and I were friends, but not close friends. He lived in Fairfax, I lived in Southern Alexandria, but when you don’t have a car the divide might as well be the pacific. I think he carpooled in, and I took the metro, he played hockey and I played lacrosse, two facts which aren’t earth shattering, but they did mean we had very different schedules before and after school.
In such a small school after spending four years together, it’s hard not to develop friendships with almost everyone in your class. We became closer our senior year when we went on a two day retreat together and ended up in the same group It’s called Kairos, Juniors and Seniors are recommended to go on the retreat, but it isn’t required. I thought it something special to Gonzaga but later learned that many Jesuit school offer this program.
I could tell you more about what we did and talked about, but it’s a special time and place reserved for a specific time in our lives, and I think it would diminish what one gets out of it, if it’s spoken about, and I would also have to kill you…
Over the two days Darren, myself, and several other people who I can still name, spent almost every available minute together, by design it’s a chance to let your guard down completely. It’s also an introspective moment which is supposed to help mentally prepare us for the next few years of our lives which would disappear in an instant. I still recall being covered completely in thatches, and leaves from rolling down the side of a steep long hill, which we were told was a right of passage, but later found out it’s become a tradition based on a gag.
When you leave the retreat you walk away with a sense of empowerment that can only come from catharsis coupled with enlightenment. Walking away from this retreat you think to yourself I’m going to keep in touch with these guys for the rest of my life, the veil of youth preventing your eyes from seeing how life evolves.
After graduation I stayed in touch with Darren periodically, my youth being the BF days “Before Facebook”, so keeping in touch actually meant sending a letter, making a phone call, or shooting an e-mail. When I started using facebook we friended each other, and stalked each others pages as you do with people you lose touch with, and even talked about possibly getting together at some point.
His last message to me in August was simply “lou”, I ignored it, as I do sometimes, and regret not responding to him.
So fast forward to last night.
Gustavo, a close friend of mine who was in the same Kairos group as Darren, and me drove to Fairfax to the viewing. I showed up late, and found Gustavo in a corner, trying to pick out anyone he knew.
We stood around feeling like interlopers, especially because it had been years since we saw Darren, and made our way into the main room where a couple of televisions played a montage of videos of Darren, his family, and friends. Gustavo made such a great observation which I think embodies who he was…the guy was passionate. He’s the kind of guy when he was interested in something jump full board into it; whether it was cars, hockey, or motorcycles, if he liked it he loved it.
I always knew he had a close group of friends from his neighborhood, it was clear last night that his passion extended to those he loved. What in High School could have been mistaken for being wild, or out of control was actually the seeds of a passionate man.
Gustavo and I had a few awkward conversations with Darren’s wife, and his Father…it was awkward because we had never met, and the context of the meeting was difficult to say the least. His wife is a very strong woman. After being married only for a year to lose your husband, love, and future can’t be an easy thing, so to see her in this room full of people being strong for others was a feat of human strength. In talking with his wife we learned that the special feeling we had about Kairos was felt by Darren. When she talked about it, it was almost as if she could have recalled the events of those two days herself.
The conversation we had with Darren’s father was a bit less awkward, only because his father really engaged us about Gonzaga. He talked about Darren came home from school one day and was amazed that there were people without homes, and not everyone gets to live in a nice house. His father also talked about Darren’s summer service trip to Camden New Jersey, and how it impacted Darren for the rest of his life.
After speaking with his wife, and father we walked up to the casket to say goodbye. The two of us stood there, looking at him, neither one of us said a thing. I don’t think we knew what to say or how to handle it.
A part of me felt like he was going to pop us, and say it was all a joke, and start to break into his unforgettable laughter. We turned walked away, and didn’t know what to say to each other.
Gustavo and I made plans to have dinner near my place, and the drive back I couldn’t get his face out of my mind. I kept asking myself questions about odd things like, did Darren have a life insurance policy, how is his mom taking it, how is his wife going to handle the next few months, and what if that were me?
At dinner we didn’t talk much about Darren, more about Fantasy Football, and talked shit about our other close friends. I think we both were thinking about our own mortality.
Steve Jobs once said that he would wake up every morning and look at himself in the mirror, and ask himself if I died today would I happy with how I spent my day, and he said when too many of those days are strung together that it was time to make a change.
This morning I started to ask myself that question.
I don’t have an answer…
Sunday 11/13/2011
Sunday evening I went to the 5:00 PM Crossfit class at Patriot. There were a lot more people there than I anticipated, it was taught by Jon who taught last weeks 6:00 PM class, and is good at teaching the Olympic lifts, so I was actually happy to see the guy because I knew you would give me at least one new insight into the Snatch Balance.
The WoD was to 7 sets of 2 Snatch Balances, and then the Metcon was a 9-6-3, of doing Clean and Jerks, Overhead Squats and Renegades (9-6-3 being the downward progression of the reps).
Here is video of a few Snatch Balances.
During the Metcon I was stuck working with the 30 lbs dumbbells, I wanted to find a lighter one but the lightest available after I got to the rack was 15 lbs, so I stayed with the 30 lbs. My rational was that if I worked with a lighter weight I could do stricter push-ups, it turns out I was wrong. After the first round of Clean and Jerks (or in my case Clean to Push-Presses), and Overhead Squats I found that my chest was surprisingly sore, so I ended up doing bullshit knee push-ups.
I suck at running, cleans, push-ups, and pulls ups, the last two I can’t say I suck at because I can’t do them at all, fuck my fat ass. Here is the Video.
Monday
I woke up this morning ready for another WoD, so I headed to Patriot Crossfit at 5:30 AM to warm-up and stretch for the 6:00 AM class. Potomac which I could spit on from the top of my building has a 5:30 AM, or a 6:30 AM, I like to get up an hour before I workout so the 5:30 AM is hard because I don’t want to get up at 4:30 AM everyday. I am for now going to continue my mornings at Patriot.
Monday being Squat day, I wasn’t looking forward to doing heavy weights because I was still a bit sore from the night before, it turned out that today’s area of focus was on speed and power, so we ended up doing something different which was to pick a weight which was about 60% of your 1 rep max, and then do 2 reps every minute on the minute.
This is what it looked like.
At the end of the squats we moved onto the Metcon which involved doing 5 dead lifts, followed by 50 double unders, or 100 single unders if you are big mess like me, 5 dead lifts, followed by 10 burpees, and 5 more dead lifts and a run around the building about 200 meters.
It was a short Metcon but in my mind it felt longer than it actually was, my dead lift form broke down a bit on the last set, but I was happy with my time, 4:43. The dead lift weight was supposed to be 275 but I did it at 245 lbs.
Beware of the video below, younger viewers maybe forever traumatized by my manboobage popping up and down.
The day involved doing bench presses; we did 3 sets of 5 reps. I did all of my work at 185 lbs.
Video from set 1
Video from set 3
The metcon of the day was 5 rounds of 5 Thrusters, and supposed to be 5 weighted pull ups. I did my thrusters at 95 lbs, and did ring-rows instead of weighted pull ups. I could have done a heavier weight with the thrusters but I have no rack, yes I do have man boobs, but I don’t have the Olympic rack position yet, I just don’t have the flexibility. I finished in less than 4 minutes.
11/10/2011 Thursday
I went out drinking with a College buddy of mine who was in from out of town; we got shitty, so I spent Thursday in my cave recuperating. It sucks how long it takes to recover from drinking. Long gone are the days of being 22 and getting fucked up every night, sleeping 4 hours going to work, and getting fucked up again.
It was fun going out to the bars, and meeting people, having said that when did the DC bar scene get populated solely by female bartenders? A good portion of them are probably barely 21, but it seems like every bar I went into had young women as bartenders.
Not that I’m complaining, but I wish there were more of them when I was actually going out on a regular basis. I just felt like an old dirt ball hitting on them, not that I had a chance but I’m a guy that’s what I do.
This is after a couple of Patron and Sodas, and by couple I mean 10 or 12.
If I had picture of what I looked like the next day it would resemble Jaba the Hut after taking a constipated shit.
Yes I acted like the fat guy I am, TV, and Food. If I could have, I would have had one of the bartenders I was talking to the night before with a collar chain, and brining my food bitch.
11/11/2011
I woke up this morning at 5 AM to get to the 6 AM WoD at Patriot Crossfit. I was looking forward to working out, because I had so much guilt built up from the night before.
“This is the story behind “Blake”; U.S. Navy Senior Chief Cryptologic Technician David Blake McLendon, 30, of Thomasville, Georgia, assigned to Naval Special Warfare Group 2 Support Activity in Norfolk, Virginia, was killed September 21, 2010, in a helicopter crash during combat operations in the Zabul province of Afghanistan. McLendon is survived by his wife Kate McLendon, his parents David and Mary-Ann McLendon, his brother Chris McLendon, and his sister Kelly Lockman.”
The WoD is simply four rounds of:
100’ Walking Lunge with 45 lbs plate over your head.
30 Box Jumps 24” box
20 Wall Balls 20 lbs Ball
10 Hand Stand Push-Ups
I was able to do the walking lunges, and the wall ball as prescribed, but had to scale the box down to 20, and did strict presses with 35 lbs dumbbells. The first two rounds were not so bad; I finished them in just over 9 minutes. Beginning with the third round of work, the lunges, and box jumps started to become difficult.
I counted the number of steps it took to go across the gym in one direction, it was about 10 steps to cover 50’, so in total I had take about 20 steps to get down and back. In the third round, with each step I felt like I was limping across the gym. It is also in the 3rd round that the shoulder presses were making it hard for me to hold the plate over my head.
The fourth round was just a mental push to get finished, it almost felt like I had my foot caught in something, and I was spasm-ing to get away from the thing which was holding my foot.
This was the first endurance type WoD were I wasn’t able to just push through. I was being strict on my wall balls, so taking a moment to catch my breath and focus were important, as I didn’t want to waste any energy.
I finished in 21:49. I am curious to know how much longer it would take if I had to use a 24” box, and do Hand Stand Push Ups. The lunges would have been significantly harder, 70 lbs of weight doesn’t even come close to my bodyweight.
After Crossfit I went to Washington Sports Club, and did a session of treading on the Arc Trainer. I spent about 40 minutes on the machine, after I finished I was trying to figure out if I had done something to help my weight loss or stunted my progress by starting down that path of overworking.
I haven’t decided if I will workout tomorrow, that will be determined in the morning.
I must start by saying Mr. Shady can kiss my ass, I still think the scale for anyone who is considered morbidly obese is more important than what I am about to write about.
I have been losing weight for 7 months now, and for a good portion of that time I was losing 5-8 lbs a week. Towards the end of that period in late August early September, feeling run down was becoming the status quo. September to October I was a stretch of time feeling burnt out, and trying to figure out the next phase of my evolution.
Standing on the other side of that burnt out time, I feel like I’ve reached an unfamiliar mix of understanding, and confusion. Not working out 10 times a week for sure has helped improve my outlook on my workouts, and sticking to a single methodology even if it’s temporary is making life simpler. Today I have energy levels that a year ago I wished I had, I feel better, and it “feels” like I’m getting leaner, but it’s not showing up on the scale, or in my clothes. A few times the belt buckle has dropped but it seems temporary, or forced (who knew you could stretch the shit out of leather).
I have committed to moving forward with Crossfit to see how far it will take me, but I know for a fact I am going to supplement steady state cardio, if only to make me feel better about my work. I can’t resolve the fact that if I don’t sweat a lot I don’t feel like I’ve gotten much work done. I’m a natural sweater, so if you ever see me come out of the toilet sweating, it’s not because I took a strenuous shit, but because that’s just what I do.
I can break a sweat getting out of bed, and I think some nights I sweat in my sleep.
Is sweating a scientific form of understanding performance, probably not but if I don’t soak through two shirts I feel like I’ve done nothing.
I do know Crossfit has its limitations, and at some point it may become something I no longer believe in, although today I find myself like a Born Again Christian Evangelical. I don’t think I will ever apostatize Crossfit but, in my evolution I may find something more in tune with my goals. I have made a commitment to keep pushing through regardless of the end result. It’s November, and New Years Eve if I am not down to a pant size under 40 I will know that something has to change.
The one thing which has changed, and it took some time to realize, was that I was eating too much. When you work out 10x a week you can cheat a bit, and not affect your overall progress, but with one workout a day, and just living life, I have to be far more disciplined in my food consumption.
I don’t want to turn 33 in January and still be a pant size that I was when I was a freshman in High School. Fuck that shit, fuck it with two dicks, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.
By next July 2011 I am still trying to get to 200 lbs, but today I’m just trying to get to 250 lbs. For the short term progress will have to come in the form of feeling better, getting stronger, and not losing big numbers in terms of pounds, but a time may come when I go back to dropping pounds before I get stronger.
Recent Comments