04/15/12 Official Weigh In
241 lbs
I passed a major milestone without realizing it.
I have now lost 202 lbs from my heaviest, yet I don’t feel a sense of pride or excitement, in fact I feel a bit of indifference. I don’t know if it’s because my goals have changed, or if it’s because that 202 lbs feels as distant as the sun. I’m clearly not wrapped up in the weight number as much as I was a few months back, a big part of it is because I have gained quite a bit of mobility, and I can buy clothes in a regular store.
A recent photograph I saw was like a slap in the face, it was hard to accept that I am not as fat as I feel. The photo was from a group photo taken with the CrossFit Endurance Team at W&L track a few weeks back, if not for the fact I was trying to make Pete feel uncomfortable by placing my head as close to possible to his, I would not have immediately picked myself out of this lineup.
Mainly because when I used to look for myself in a group photo I would look for the biggest person in the picture, it was easy it would be like picking out a sumo wrestler in a lineup of Olympic Female Gymnast.
Is he holding his kid, or is it his lunch?
I’m still a big guy, but not bizzaro big. I think it will be a long while before I internalize the notion that I’m not a big fat mess, I’m now just a fat mess.
I am still careful with what I eat, but it’s not an obsession where I am weighing my foods, or carefully calculating the ratio of Fat, Protein, and Carbohydrates. I am very aware of how much volume of food I’m consuming, and making sure to not over eat on the protein, but not so anal about my food consumption that I will choose to workout an extra hour if I eat more than I planned.
As time goes on I am far more focused on performance, which somehow has lead me to signup for the Rare 10K this Saturday. I ran a marathon when I was 16, and that was at the end of 30 days in the Rockies with Outward Bound. Since that time the longest distances I’ve run strictly for the sake of running was three weekends ago when I accidently ran just over 3 miles with CFE. Don’t ask me how a person accidently runs more than planned, but a mutha fucka got lost in the woods.
With that most recent experience in the woods I have somehow made a decision that it would be smart to run a 10 K which has pit-stops that involve doing CrossFit WoDs. One of the stations last year was to do 100 kettle bell swings with a 35 lbs kettle bell, not to mention the couple of miles that people had to carry a plate, or a kettle bell.
Am I just stupid or a masochist?
To be perfectly clear if not for the Tough Mudder next month, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing this, I figure it will mentally prepare me for the grueling experience that the Mudder is going to be, yet I know the Mudder won’t be as bad, because the goal is to finish as a team.
The more I think about the Rare 10K, I have images of myself getting lost in the woods, or taking so long that basically the post workout party will start without me, and I’ll be done by the time they are cleaning up the finish line.
Is it insane for me to think this?
I don’t know…but I do know the fear I felt about this race is the main reason I signed up for it. The more weight I lose, the more I am choosing to not be fearful in my life, I’ve spent so much time being afraid, that I no longer want to succumb to it, but it attack it with every ounce of energy that I can muster.
I am not brave by any means, but overcoming fear is a nice way to emulate those who are braver than I am…
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