The Fattestblog On The Net

04/30/13 Final 50

I have been stuck in a plateau for sometime, so I decided I need a fresh start.

You can read more about the final 50 pounds I have to lose here at:

www.final50.com

The new perspective.

Understanding my goals, my year, and myself part 3, Experiences I want to have this year...

Growth- This is an area of my life that I have to always push and pursue, because the day I stop growing is the day I know I am truly old, and starting to wilt.  Death is inevitable, the day is unknown, what we control is how we choose to lead our lives until the unavoidable happens.  The last thing I want is my headstone to read, “Louis Kim, FUCK!”

There is one thing in our lives that sets the tone for all others, and that’s our attitude towards the way we approach it. 

• I will take 2 online courses that are at least college level curriculum; this is a major priority so that I don't lose the ability to learn new concepts and ideas.

 

Why: 2012 was the first year I can recall where I didn’t feel as intelligent as I know I am, not to infer that I am some type of genius, as my past actions clearly show a pattern of behavior that is less than remedial, yet I had moments throughout the year where it would take longer to grasp new concepts, it would take more time to comprehend what people were saying, and longer to pick the words to formulate my thoughts, sometimes these short comings would sometimes lead into confused ramblings. 

I have spent too much time lower my abilities to the people around me, instead of forcing them to raise their game to my level, Earl Nightingale is most notable for having said that “We become what we think about.”  If I continue to think in a way that allows remedial thoughts, I will become marginalized.

In an effort to work the muscle in my big melon, I need to take organized classes in subject matters that are of at least a collegiate level, they don’t have to be at any particular school or institution, but they do have to be classes that require the semblance of a brain.

How: I will have to determine whether I can find an accessible in class place to learn, or choose the online deliver method as the most conducive way to go to class.  I will have to make specific time to study, making these appointments for school the highest priority.  As much as I value my physical well being, I value my mental abilities even higher (as I butcher the English language).

Pitfalls: I am great at starting growth activities like this, but suck at finishing them because I allow the other areas of my life to take up too much time, I have to manage my time and my emotions better.

Keys: I have to not be afraid to tell people no, when it will sabotage my desire to work out my brain, if I don’t get back the mental sharpness that I once had, I’m in deep shit.  I also have to make sure to take into account the financial sacrifice school will become, and use it as a reminder that if I punt I am punting thousands of dollars. 

The true key is developing the self discipline to make this a priority.

• I will read 6 books this year.

 

Why: The power of the world is found in books, and for someone who once had a love of reading, I now spend too much time watching TV, contributing to the decay of my brain.  There is much I want to learn, and a limited scope that I can cover, so I have to use my time wisely, and choose books that give me the most bang for the intellectual buck.

How: I will dedicate time each night to reading, 5-10 pages.  Developing the habit to read is crucial.  This is going to become my mental daily WoD. 

Rxing is 10 pages, 5 is scaled. 

Fuck, I think I just found the way to stick to anything in my life, who likes to scale?  #CrossFitTakingOverMyLife

Pitfalls: My love of shitty TV’s shows, and my love of excellent TV Shows.  Everything in the middle sucks.  I think I might need to give away my 55” and buy a 24” TV so watching TV becomes a shitty experience.  When you can a celebrities face so clearly that you can see pimples that’s being sucked in, my TV is like my head, it’s too big compared to it’s surroundings.

Keys: Daily discipline and choosing electronic books over physical ones, there’s no excuse when I am surrounded by iphone, ipad, and computer, I can always get a page or two in, I also need to pick books in the beginning which have subject matters I really enjoy so I can breeze through them building up momentum during the early stages.

• I will make connections with at least 2 professional groups unrelated to my current profession.

Why: My professional world has gotten small, and gets smaller every year, which is the opposite of most people in the work force, the longer one works the more people they tend to meet.  I think as a small business owner, you can reach a point of distraction or complacency, where you stop reaching out, and when you stop doing this, you stop growing your professional circle.  In an effort to raise the quality of my life, I need to engage business people outside of my industry, and professionals who are involved with work that intimdates and causes me to be uncomfortable. 

Get Comfortable being uncomfortable fat boy…

Late last year I attended a shareholders’ meeting of a bank that my family owns shares in, and I was so uncomfortable with the people around me that I snuck out, I don’t ever want to be in that position again.

How: I will you use the power of social media, and online portals to find groups and people who are involved in activities that will facilitate this growth of my professional circle, , I will try and find networking events and mixer, even if I feel like an asshole at these events I am going to stick it out.

Pitfalls: Telling myself I don’t need to reach out as much because I’m a precious snow flake, or losing this feeling of stupidity I feel right now.  I have to feel like shit in order to change something I don’t like, which is exactly where I am when it comes to professional growth.

“Motion creates emotion…”, I have to get out and stir the pot, where is my Homebrew Computer club?

Keys: I have to overcome my fear of standing out or feeling like an insignificant ass who washes cars for a living when surrounded by people who are more accomplished.  Over the years I have beaten myself up so much, that I view myself as a laborer, and not a professional. 

I need to take Prop Joe’s advice “Look the part, be the part, motherfucker.”

 

• I will further declutter my life, by eliminating those items in my possession which don't get used at least once every 60 days or are absolute emergency tools or items, and digitizing as much stuff as possible.

Why: Simply put I own too much shit, my shit are the chains that anchor me down  just like all the excess weight I used to carry, a great deal of things I own provide some type of strange mental crutch.  I can’t explain it, but I need to get rid of those things I don’t use, and those things that aren’t vital to my existence.   

Why would I need two sets of golf clubs, a food processor and a Ninja, 2 car chargers one for my car, and one for when I travel, this is all shit.  I have to disconnect from all these materials things in order to reconnect with who I truly am…

How: Once every two weeks I have to have an evening of removal.  Where I will go and remove things from my life that I can donate, sell, or destroy.  If I can $10 or more dollars I will sell it on ebay, otherwise I will give it away or donate it.  The funds collected in that paypal account will be used to purchase something significant that I need like a new table (I’ve never bought one of my own) or I’ll put the money into my Roth.

Pitfalls: Replacing the existing shit with new shit I don’t need.  I’ve gotten better at asking myself how much I need something before I buy it, but I want to get to the point where 90% of the products that exist in the market are useless to me.

Keys: If I keep something I have to make sure it’s truly needed and that I’ve used it once over a 60 day period, the only other reason I will keep something is if its helpful during an emergency like a MagLight. 

I am looking around my place right now, and I can justify too much of the shit that is here…not good.  Be real about why it matters.

 

• I will either take a writing class, or get involved with a writers group, I have a desire to write but no direction.

Why: Writing makes me happy, and I feel I have a story to tell.

How: I have to set aside a time once every couple of weeks to free write, after I came back from Mexico I did a little of this and it was awesome.  This is the start of everything good I can recall recently in my life, write and get the thoughts out of my head.

Pitfalls: Not making writing a priority in my life, it has to become part of my regular life, I can’t push it away from me because I’m too tired.

Keys: Picking specific days each month, and treating it like a doctor’s appointment to write, and only write for myself undistributed.  At some point this exercise will turn into something greater than I had anticipated, initially it’s going to be a tickling of my inner thoughts and ideas.

  

She's a little pretenious, but it's the turth about anything.

5 Things I want to experience

1. Riding to the top of the Washington Monument, and viewing the area I live from a different perspective.
2. Get on a roller coaster, and ride it like I’m a teenager, free and without fear.
3. Ride down a steep hill on a sled in the snow, or go glissading for an extended distance, riding so hard it borders on recklessness.
4. Drive down the highway on a nice day with loud music in a convertible, with my sunglasses on singing as loud as possible not giving a shit about who’s on the road, or how I appear to other people, and recording that shit.
5. Sing karaoke in front of people, because it scares the shit out of me, I still can’t believe I just posted this one.
6. Dance with my nieces, because Catherine is old enough to remember and because Mina presently only likes Nancy, and avoids me.
7. Slow dance with Nancy somewhere spontaneously, because the only other time I’ve danced with her was Mike T’s wedding two years ago.
8. Total, and utter failure at something, not acquiescence but failing to do something I wanted, I wanted to go down in flames doing something relatively simple, because it will keep me humble.
9. Speaking in front  of a large group, I’ve spoken at the NRCC in the past, and it’s something I think I’m relatively good at, but I haven’t done it in so long, I probably now suck, I want to feel the fear, the zone, and the euphoria afterwards.
10. I want to spend one day in silence, I don’t think I can do it, so I will try my best to see if I can spend a day without speaking, I’m fucking weird what can you say?

Understanding my goals, my year, and myself part 2, 5 Things I Want To Do.

Personal Examination of my Professional Goals for the Calendar Year 2013

Professional- This is an area of my life that makes all the other parts possible, all of the following goals for 2013 are related to my present primary business, many of the goals this year are necessary in order to advance into the next phase of my life. 

• I will hire one new manager, or operations person that is a game changer.  The type of person that fundamentally forces us to get out of this place of complacency.

Why: I need to find a key player who can help take on the day to day operations of both sites, and also function as the swing manager, to work when the others guys are on vacation, or need extra time off, he/she would could act as a stop gap when needed, but would also be responsible for hiring and training a new site manager when needed, keep the existing guys accountable, and act as the force acts the play I create. 

In order to grow revenue, and perhaps grow the business, this is pivotal position, everyday that I am mired in daily minutia, I can’t create the programs that will run the company like a self driven entity, nor can I act as the company’s leader, in order to provide better leadership I have to find someone who is a better manager. 

Because I suck…

How: I will begin the process by the previously utilizes means of advertising, and interviewing, yet I need to delve deeper into this process and actively recruit someone.  I need to come up with business cards that are specifically used for recruitment, and hand them out to people who I encounter in the service industry who impress me.  

On the back of the card, I will put my personal cell phone, and a quick note that says, “You’ve impressed me, there may be a position in my company, contact me so we can discuss it”, or something along those lines. 

Pitfalls: Losing the emotional impetus act could be my downfall, the continued quenching of fires could cause me to stall, and not take the time to look outside of my immediate situation to find someone.  Recruiting is a long and tedious process that requires constant action.  I am going to further reconnect with the recruiters I contacted last year; there is someone out there who could be my Sonic Captain that I haven’t found.

Keys: I have to distance the involvement with certain family members, so I can create the situations that are best for someone new.  Moving out of the “pizza shop” into a real company has taken far longer than expected, and the main reason is lack of support.  I have to find the right people to lead, simple actions like sending an email or memo shouldn’t be fucking tenuous.  This person also has to be someone who has charisma to instill a certain culture into our business.

• I will set aside 2 months of mortgage payments for each site in what I will call an operational reserve, so that we can leverage our capital reserves for growth.

Why: The present safety net we have is good, but not great. 

I have a RPG launcher when I want a Howitzer.  The nice thing with a Howitzer is you can launch one to obliterate a target, and not feel like you have to pick up a bunch of shells to reuse because the enemy may have survived the blow.  With 2 months of our largest single expense each month socked away in a reserve, those months where our 30% payroll and mortgage payment come due the same day, I won’t feel like I have to give blood to make it.

How: I have to get a handle on our present procedure of ordering and purchasing, the Monthly American Express bill at times is unmanageable, because I am giving too much freedom to people who haven’t been given an incentive to use less, and save more.  Further without PO’s, or financial accountability what difference does it make if the managers order 1 more barrel of soap when it’s not needed, or an extra tool that might end up in a customer’s car if I’m not holding them more accountable. 

I need to work with CFO Source, to get this under control.  Further I need to get Craig to give me a cash flow analysis statement, so we can better understand the roller coaster that is revenue in the car wash business.

Pitfalls: I cannot get obsessed with making capital improvements, which I always am, this year I will buy a camera system in FC, and a couple of key pieces in WB, once that happens other than repairs the purse strings will close.  I must also drastically reduce employee perks for this year; I will buy fewer meals, gifts, and focus on creating benefits that are longer lasting like a 401k, and FSA plan for our staff.  These are things that benefit staff and the business, as opposed to a feel good McDonald’s lunch.  $10 here, $15 there turns into $20,000 a year on meals that can be used on something else (not all meals but you get the point).

Keys: I have to make financials decisions without emotion, and put better controls in place to keep my people from spending our profits.  I need help in this area.

• I will have our books closed quarterly instead of annually.

Why: Closing the books everyone month is the way it should be done, and the fact we have never done it in our 10 years of business if fucking insane.  I don’t know how we have gotten this far without this valuable information.  While I instantly can tell you things like, Cars Per Man Hour, Labor Dollar Per Car, Cars Per Year, and Revenue Figures (all operational pieces of data), I can’t give you up to date real time accurate information on things like, Chemical Cost Per Car, Profit Per Car, Dollar Profit Per Employee Hour, or average dollars spent per year per customer (all financial pieces of data). 

These numbers are just as important as the previous ones, but they are essential to any business owner, the books closing every month will allow me to do one of the two things I’m good at, which is an analysis of information.  Patterns, correlations, statistical information is something I see differently than most, and it is what would make me an excellent business person as opposed to an average one. 

Closing the books is key not only to the business but to my personal mental health.

How: I have to close 2012.  Have all QuickBooks data updated by the end of January 2013, then move forward writing checks directly from QuickBooks (like you’re supposed to), and keep myself accountable by checking in with CFO Source once a month to go over books.  I will use the help of our present payroll person to help keep the books going on a perpetual basis.

Pitfalls: I cannot allow the dip in financial resources throughout the year to dictate my consistency on this matter.  After years of direct car wash operations, I have developed a horrific pattern of matching my activity level based on the weather conditions.  Bad weather means slacking, good weather means hard work; I have to keep a regular five day work week as my pattern, and be productive even on the shitty weather days.

Keys: I have to utilize the skills of the people who are already with me, and find people who can act as backups should those people move on, the numbers are the most important part of every business, and I’ve been operating for 10 years with only a half picture, and information that is old.  The right person or people helping to do the inglorious part of entering data and writing checks are vital to my ability to generate this information.

• I will send 2 managers to Sonny's Car Wash College, and have Wash Guru provide training for at least 1 week this year.

Why:  In order to improve the performance of people who are already on staff I will send two people to Florida for training.  There is nothing better than professional training, done without the distraction of actually running the car wash, if I want the freedom to do more; I need to teach my key people more. 

I further will bring in an outside training company to help develop the training systems to make things better and easier, a third party is sometimes important for a fresh perspective on what needs to change, and functions as an additional source of accountability.

How: I have to schedule summer vacations early on, perhaps by May, so I can make sure it this trip for my key guys happens this year.  I won’t allow staffs time off to effect my business decisions.

Pitfalls: I can’t let the issues that arise between now and then to question my decision, I know I need this to be done, I have to increase the skill set of the guys around me.  I can hate my life or love it, in order to love it I have to take the burden of my situation and disperse the weight among as many people as possible.

Key: Schedule early, time correctly and follow through once it’s underway.

• I will develop a more methodical training system, which leverages and takes full advantage of the money spent the last two years with Wash Guru.

Why: A few years ago I spent quite a bit of money to train my existing managers, and to create an operational manual and put systems into place.  Like most types of education not all of it stuck, partly because of a lack of depth in my crew, partly because I didn’t take the proper steps to maintain the progress.

How: I have to hire better people, and bring Wash Guru back in this year, and perhaps every year to keep us accountable to the system that they helped put into place.  There’s nothing like paying someone outside of your company good money to have them tell you the problems you already know about, to get you off your ass, and stay on point. 

When they come in year after year telling you the same thing at some point your embarrassment will make you act.  I need a little Gordon Ramsay to get my business to run the way I want.

I will further have to find a way to make the training of new people more systematic, is a lack of talent the major issue here?

Pitfalls: The major pitfall is if I don’t have my game changer in place by the day the training period starts, especially when Wash Guy comes back.

Keys: Schedule early with Wash Guru, push my staff, hire the game changer, and reduce my own pay to make room for what’s needed so I can take more down the road.

 

Five Things I want to do this Year.

This is a simple list of ten things I want to do; these are not goals, but just activities I want to do, I have no plan for these but when I have free time, with no ideas these are the things I will fill them with, life’s too short to watch TV.

Of these if I can get to 5 I will be happy.

1. Throw a big party.
2. Take an introductory flying lesson.
3. Get involved with a charity.
4. Clean out my parent’s garage.
5. Sell or cash in old work truck.
6. Take a cooking class at least twice.
7. Take a sailing lesson.
8. Take my dad, brother and brother-in law deep sea fishing.
9. Take my sister on a “date”.
10. Take my parents on a vacation somewhere.
11. Do something cool on New Year’s Eve.
12. Go to New York once.
13. Go to Philadelphia Once.
14.  Play blackjack, and not give a shit.
15. Help someone just because.

 

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Understanding my goals, my year, and myself part 1.

In an effort to better understand my own words, I am going to analyze my goals, I think some of the thoughts I put down last year were great notions but without further introspection as to why it was important to me they got lost as the year went on, I’m going to try and do this in parts.

Today’s post is solely an effort to understand my Personal goals for the year 2013.  I’ve broken up my personal desires for the year into two categories, Physical and Spiritul.  Physical goals those directly related to my health or the well being of flesh and bones, while the Spiritual goals are those related to my well being, and those things that are more directly connected to the core of who I am, and who I want to become.

Personal Examination of my Personal Goals for the Calendar Year 2013

Physical Goals – it’s important for me to not for granted the progress I’ve made over the last two years, 443 lbs seems like a millennia ago and I have to continue to make progress while pushing the boundaries of what I think I’m capable of, there once was a time where everything physically was out of reach, the only limitations I face today are what my brain can imagine. 

• I will lose 50 lbs, and fit into a size 32 jean.

Why: I am presently fluctuating between 238-245 lbs, so this goal was based on a conservative assumption that I am maintaining a weight of 245 lbs.  I want to get below 200 lbs, so I figured 195 lbs is a good place to be, this is not just a magic number or threshold that I need to cross, it’s more of the numeric target for a bigger goal.

If I am going to have the body contouring surgery where essentially the doctor is going to cut me open, and pull my skin as tight s possible, I want to physically be as lean as possible.  It would drive me insane if I had the procedure done at 215 lbs, then lost another 10 lbs to only have loose or flabby skin anywhere on my body.  I am tired of being both flabby, and loose, it is tough to feel masculine when your chest sags to your belly button

How: I will need to develop a more consistent routine with my meals during the workweek.  I can no longer allow myself the slack to cheat, this year is the home stretch, and I can’t lose sight of the final year of feeling fat.

As was the plan from last year I am going to continue to do CrossFit, while supplementing my routine with CrossFit Endurance, and other Endurance activities like biking, and swimming.   

Pitfalls: I cannot allow others to sabotage my plan, I am going to learn to say no to my family, and associates and not allow myself to be drawn into eating out when I have a set meal planned for a set day.  I will allow myself occasional cheats, but I must keep them short and sweet as to not get stuck in a cycle of cheating.

Keys: What I put in my mouth outweighs everything I do in the gym.  I can run 12 miles, do Fight Gone Bad 5 times, and then row with the altitude mask for 2 hours, but if I polish off 5 gallons of Chunky Monkey I’m fucked.

• I will run 3 races this year, one of them being a distance longer than a 10k.

Why: Running will forever be stupid and for the most part useless.  I fucking hate running but realize I need to run not only because of the challenge, but it will help me stay lean.  The races will serve as checkpoints, or the reason that I continue to run on a regular basis, while the goal of a distance longer than a 10k I want to see if mentally I can handle running for more than 6 miles.

How: CrossFit Endurance was supposed to be a one month test to improve my running, it is now a part of my regular workouts because it helps increase my lung capacity, keeps me lean, and challenges my  pain cave.  I will have to find the right balance between CFE workouts and the regular WoDs.  I will sign up for the whole season starting in March, and will commit myself to running Long, and Ultra distances after the first full month.

Pitfalls: I have to watch out for fatigue, and injury.  I pushed myself pretty hard last year, and when October rolled around I was ready for the running to be over.  It’s tough on the schedule, and at times regular CrossFit Suffered, I have to find the balance that is best suited for mountaineering.

Keys: I have to stay committed, even if it means missing a workout, yet making up for it by doing it by myself while on vacation, or on an off day. 

• I will have a 1 rep max of 335 lbs for my back squat, and break 400 lbs for my deadlift.

Why: Back Squat and Deadlift were the only two lifts I could do prior to surgery, so I have greatly improved my technique on both, they are also the building blocks for everything else, I would have included the press to just score a CFT number but it might be June before I start lifting overhead regularly. 

335 for a 1RM on the Back Squat would only be a 10% improvement from the CFT we did in November 2012, with this number I’m also assuming that the angle which my arm has to rest in the back squat will affect when I can actually start to squat heavy.  The rotated arm position that one uses to brace the bar is almost impossible 01/17/13, so I can’t imagined it will be good to go until Mid-April. On the deadlift 400 lbs is just the number I want to achieve.

How: As soon as I can start to WoD again I need to get under the bar and work on technique on both of these lifts until I am cleared to start to lift heavy.  Putting out consistent effort over multiple weeks will be crucial.

Pitfalls: The biggest hurdle is my own disappointment, and self-loathing.  I can’t allow these feelings to take me off track, or allow me to lose focus whereby taking a step back on my progress.

Keys: I need to pick a lifting methodology, formulate a plan using that lifting method, and then seeing it through, staying on track and making progress is key.  If I choose say Wendler I need to make sure I’m on course, and push myself on those final worksets.

• I will walk 1200 miles this year with Benny, with at least 10% of the mileage carrying loads.

Why: I need to be a better dog owner and take my dog on longer walks like I used to when he was a puppy.  When I was in the 300’s I used him as a reason to walk 3-4 miles twice a day for many months, he loved those walks.  Today I only take him for 3-4 miles total for the day, it’s about half the distance, I need to pick up the pace, and get more consistent with the mileage and the days.  I am going to use some of the time that I walk him to train for myself, by loading a backpack with weight and walking the hills of Arlington.  I don’t give a fuck if people stare at me, I already told everyone to fuck off on my birthday, telling them to fuck off in person when I’ve got a ferocious white dog, and a big red backpack is nothing.

How: 1200 miles over the course of 365 days is about a 3.1 mile per day average.  That doesn’t take into account days being sick, days being on vacation, or days I pawn it off on Nancy.  I will net to set a target monthly mileage each month, and then log my mileage with an iphone app, and every week that I don’t hit the target I will take $250 and put into my cash embezzlement fund regardless of how it affects my finances.   

Pitfalls: I have to walk the mutha fucka anyways might as well use this time to accomplish something, so I have to be careful not to get lazy and shorten the average distance hoping to make them up on the weekends with long walks.

Keys: Consistency is key here, I have to be the US Postman, rain sleet or snow…

• I will get my first unassisted pull-up.

Why: I will get at least 1 unassisted pull-up because I’m a guy and it’s embarrassing that my fat ass can’t do one pull-up.  It’s a key part of the sport that I’ve chosen to pursue for a good chunk of my life, and in any case I need to catch up to Mickey’s big ass so I can talk shit.

How: I will supplement my workouts with either recon ron, or some other volume training methodology using assistance bands, and then working my way down.  I will also have to lose more weight because I don’t care who you are 250 lbs guys don’t do lots of pull ups easily.

Pitfalls: Giving up, or losing focus when it appears that either it’s too hard, or the end is too far away.

Keys: I have to always make extra time to do the volume training, I need to record it, and then make adjustments during the year to account for physical changes, my main concern here is overtraining.  I have to push-push without pushing myself over the ledge.

 

Spiritual Goals- This is an area of my life that I’ve made great improvement in over the last year, I’m starting to actually care about myself, and make decisions that make me happy, I’ve taken on many responsibilities, and often times have sacrificed myself for the good of family and friends, in the end I have to take care of number 1, otherwise who the fuck can I help?

• I will save $25,000 specifically for body contouring surgery.

Why: I have to save at least half of the total cost of surgery before I can even consider doing the procedure.  There are medical financing programs, which is great but who wants to be in debt, and to be perfectly honest, I need to prove to myself that I want this badly enough to save this kind of money in a year. 

Being flabby, and fat sucks, I need to cut away the excess like I’ve thrown out my old clothes before I can move on and enter the next phase of my life, the weight used to hold me down literally, it is now holding me down in the figurative sense.

How: I am going to save all the cash that I bring in by selling all the unnecessary shit in my life into this fund, while not buying shots, or paying for shit that I don’t need to pay for to be the nice guy, I will also eat out less, and tie this financial goal with my desire to lose weight, if I’m eating less, I’m spending less outside of the home. 

I will also need to find a small supplemental source of income whether it’s doing some consulting, or selling shit online, I will make this happen for myself.

Pitfalls: I will not allow my negative talk, talk me out of putting money away and buying more shit I don’t need, further in my desire to supplement my present income, I have to be careful not to spread myself too thin, whereby fucking up the whole train.

Keys: I need to get momentum quickly in the first 30 days, if I can set aside at least 10% of that, I will be well on my way to building the number overall.

• I will make 2 trips out West, one of those trips being to California.

Why: My heart is in the West, the mountains are in the West, and my soul yearns to be back in California. 

How: I will borrow, beg, cheat, and steal to make it out west this year, one of the trips will have to be done by car because of goal 1, but I will make a trip out there even if one of the trips is a business one (cheat and steal).

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

• I will take 1 trip out of the country, either to Europe or South America.

Why: My trip to Mexico taught me, that I’m a rube.  I need to get out and see the rest of the world.  I hope to make it Argentina in December to climb Aconcagua, but at this point in the year I have no fucking clue.  Even if I can get to Canada, or a few days in Mexico I need to get out and feel like a foreigner, and see the world outside of the US.

How: I will have to either plan one of my personal or family vacations to a foreign country. 

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

• I will either start, or have the business plan completed for a new business venture.

Why: For years I’ve written about my dissatisfaction with my present business, and what I do on a daily basis. I want to spend time this year finding another business I can peruse, and figure out if I can make fly.  If the right opportunity emerges I need to jump headfirst to get my creative juices flowing again, and creating something.

I’ve realized that I’m not an operations person, I am a start-up person, I need to be there at the beginning helping something mature and cultivate it into something spectacular. 

How: I will have to set aside specific hours each week in order to study other business fields, visit other business owners, meet with inventors, or people who are looking for investors.

Pitfalls: Falling in love with too many ideas, and not picking just one that I am deeply passionate about, if the spark isn’t there don’t force myself into a bad marriage.

Keys: The commitment and spark I feel now I have to preserve and use it to get through the toughest times, because in the beginning a great deal of work will result in zero reward.

• I will climb 1 mountain this year above 10,000'.

Why: I need to get to altitude again, and I’d like to do another skills seminar at 10k’ or higher, but if I can’t spend a week doing that I would like to get at least 1 climb even if it’s in a weekend to get above 10,000.  Don’t ask me why 10,000, probably because it’s a number that’s pretty high especially because I’m at sea level, but it opens up the doors on a lot of mountains that I can do in a weekend.

How: I will need to train for this like I trained for Rainer last year, and set aside enough money to do the trip.

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

I apologize if there are grammatical errors, or typos, but this is really an exercise in open mental clarification, it’s 1 AM, I can’t fall asleep and I’m trying to figure out my year.  I put this out there to hold myself accountable to the outside world, but also because I hope it helps some people who read this…more to come next week with the other areas of my life.

 

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A look back at 2012...my goals, resolutions.

Monday, 11/19/12

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2013 Resolutions/Goals Let's Get Rolling

For 2013 I am writing my “resolutions” a bit later than I’d like, I’m already more than two weeks into the year, so I’ve turned this year into a 50 week cycle instead of a 52 week one.  While I have what most would say is a good reason, I need to man the fuck up, and get my ass in gear.  There is only so much bullshit a person can consume until all they taste, smell, and feel is shit. 

I have this inner hope that 2013, is the year that I’ve been waiting for, whether its finding that one piece of my life that has eluded me for so many years, or coming to the realization that I’m just too unstable or chaotic internally to ever find the spark that will not only propel me to the person I want to be, but keep me there…

As much as I complain, and whine, I am thankful for a great many things in my life, a woman who loves me unequivocally, and loves me for me, a business that is successful, family that is close, great friends, and in the last couple of years incredible experiences. 

That being said, I want more, more of everything. 

I have a desire to impact the world; help others make change, and create something that is everlasting.  I covet this notion because I want validation of my life, and I want a legacy that outlives my lifetime.  I can pretend that deep down I want to help make the world better as some altruistic notion, but the truth is my yearnings are selfish.

All humans are innately selfish, and we are driven and fueled by our own interests.  It’s part of the mechanism that allows us to survive.  It just so happens that my selfishness has will have a byproduct that makes the world better and not worse. 

Having said all that what I want, for 2013 is the following.  I’ve broken up the goals into three categories, Personal, Professional, Growth, with the Personal category having two parts Physical, and Spiritual.  I think 5 goals in each area are possible, knowing that completing 3 difficult goals in each category is more realistic. 

I. Personal

    A. Physical

1. I will lose 50 lbs, and fit into a size 32 jean.
2. I will run 3 races this year, one of them being a distance longer than a 10k.
3. I will have a 1 rep max of 335 lbs for my back squat, and break 400 lbs for my deadlift.
4. I will walk 1200 miles this year with Benny, with at least 10% of the mileage carrying loads.
5. I will get my first unassisted pull-up.

    B. Spiritual

1. I will save $25,000 specifically for body contouring surgery. 
2. I will make 2 trips out West, one of those trips being to California.
3. I will take 1 trip out of the country, either to Europe or South America.
4. I will either start, or have the business plan completed for a new business venture.
5. I will climb 1 mountain this year above 10,000'.

II. Professional

1. I will hire one new manager, or operations person that is a game changer.  The type of person that fundamental forces us to get out of this complacency that is beginning.
2. I will set aside 2 months of mortgage payments for each site in what I will call an operational reserve, so that we can leverage our capital reserves for growth.
3. I will have our books closed quarterly instead of annually. 
4. I will send 2 managers to Sonny's Car Wash College, and have Wash Guru provide training for at least 1 week this year.
5. I will develop a more methodical training system, which leverages and takes full advantage of the money spent the last two years with Wash Guru.

III. Growth

1. I will take 2 online courses that are at least college level curriculum; this is a major priority so that I don't lose the ability to learn new concepts and ideas.
2. I will read 6 books this year.
3. I will make connections with at least 2 professional groups unrelated to my current profession.
4. I will further declutter my life, by eliminating those items in my possession which don't get used at least once every 60 days or are absolute emergency tools or items, and digitizing as much stuff as possible.
5. I will either take a writing class, or get involved with a writers group, I have a desire to write but no direction. 

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So Lou How did that shit go?

My procedure was done on the 28^th of December, it’s now the 16^th of January I’m still awake at 2:15 AM, when I normally go to bed at 9:30 PM.  I’ve found that when I take an oxycotin it either makes me want to pass out, or I I can’t fall asleep.

Why did I take any Oxy?  Well relative to the other pain killers this one makes me feel the least shitty, I’m pretty sure in another life I was a strung out crack whore, who would give you a hummer for a hit.  When I’m on anything that ends in –codene I get lazy, I go into a haze, and all I want to do is sleep, or do something passive.

Rewinding back to the 28^th of December…what was supposed to be an hour procedure turned into a 4.5 marathon for my surgeon.  I knew things weren’t going to be in my favor, when the intake nurse stuck me for the IV did it incorrectly, and then told me everything was fine as I was telling her it wasn’t fine.  It took a senior nurse at the surgical center who could tell something was wrong from my grimace, and by looking at how the IV line was placed came in and fixed it.

The Anesthesiologist stuck me four or five times when doing the nerve block.  None of these things seemed to be a big deal before the operation, but in hindsight they are like tea leaves. 

Following the excruciating process of the nerve block, the next thing I remember is waking up while I was turned on my side, and the doctor was finishing up the sutures on my arm and shoulder.  That’s right I woke up while still on the table.

This is where I freaked out a bit, because I wasn’t sure if I was actually awake or in a dream, I tried to open my mouth and say, am I supposed to be awake, but the words wouldn’t come out.  At some point Doctor Bombay looked at me, and realized that I was awake, and then my surgeon told me that he was almost done.

From the surgery center Nancy drove me home, but we had to make a stop at the surgeons office, because he wanted to make sure I had Oxycotin, along with my Norco, and the type of sling he likes to use were not available at the surgery center, so I got to through the awesome process of fitting into a sling again. 

That visit to his office was probably the worst part, I was disoriented, the nerve block was wearing off, and I was in desperate need of pain medication.  To top it all off, a week later at my follow up appointment I would learn that the tech who fitted my sling did it wrong, and the week of discomfort I encountered was all for nothing.

Was the surgery its aftermath an ordeal, no, if that was the cost for a successful outcome of the actual procedure I’ll pay 10x, but it was for sure not a day that went smoothly.  The first week following the procedure was filled more with discomfort than pain.  The only time I actually felt pain was when my arm or shoulder were moved, I could feel the shoulder joint was stiff, and any movements outside of the 90 degree angle the sling kept me in was excruciating. 

If not for the love and care of Nancy, that first week would have been horrible.  She made sure I was looped up on pain killers, took care of the dog, did all of my laundry, and generally did her best to make me comfortable.  This is why all men need women, if the roles were reversed I would do everything I could to make her feel better, but being a dumb guy I’m sure I’d do something to make it worse. 

There isn’t a whole lot to write about that period because it basically involved, sleep, icing, brief walks to and from the bathroom.  I watched the entire 7^th season of the Shield, the most recent season of Kitchen Nightmares, saw 5 movies, and am now addicted to the TV shows Millionaire Matchmaker, Dangerous Grounds, and Honey Boo Boo…well maybe not Honey Boo Boo.

By day five following the surgery I had eaten 2 pints of ice cream, and had suffered 3 days of awesome constipation.  One of the few true pleasures I have in life is taking my regularly scheduled AM poop.  My morning doesn’t start without this, it’s like my cockle.  I later learned from Mickey that stool softeners, and laxatives are a must have following surgery, as constipation is a side effect of the anesthesia.

At my one week follow up with my Doctor Nagda I learned the true fate of my shoulder.  Nancy, my sister, and my mother all tried to explain it to me but it’s always better to hear from the horse’s mouth. 

The MRI’s Doctor Nagda ordered back in September had revealed 4 small tears, 3 in my labrum, 1 in my rotator cuff.  From his examination of me he indicated that I probably had bursitis and issues with my AC joint.  So what he was expecting was a simple procedure, and told me that recovery shouldn’t be too bad, yet he always qualified this statement by telling me he really won’t know the extent of the damage until inside my shoulder.

What he found was a labrum that had been torn all the way around the glenoid cavity.   A quick anatomy lesson, the glenoid cavity is the space where your arm connects to your shoulder.  Inside the cavity is the labrum which is cartilage that basically functions like a bushing or plastic bearing, it helps hold the arm in place and allows for movement of your arm without friction between the bones of your arm and shoulder.  Most people when they have tears either get them at the top or bottom. I had them all the way around.

The photos below are the before pictures.  You’ll see all that tissue floating around which basically looks like well, wet pieces of tissue.  Healthy labral tissue is supposed to look smooth, and uniform.  Not like mess of floating shit you see in my pictures. 

This was a huge shock to Doctor Nagda, and it ended up taking him 3x the time he had anticipated.  When he finished with the labral damage, and moved to the bursitis in my shoulder he thought he was in the home stretch.  What he thought would be 20 mintues was an hour.  He told me during the follow up that it was one of the worst casese of bursitis he’d ever seen…so I got that going for me.

 

You add to this the work he did on my AC joint and my rotator cuff and you have a marathon.

Doctor Nagda delayed the start of my physical therapy an extra week, and prescribed three weeks of passive therapy before I start moving my arm on my own.  My first two PT session were basically heat, electric stimuli, and the therapist supporting and moving my arm performing mobility for me.

Starting the second week following surgery I felt pretty good for the most part, but was very much up and down.  Most of that cycling of how I felt I think was directly related to pain management, while I think some of it was from poor diet and the change in activity level.

This last week I’ve been mentally better, I’m able to do more daily activities for myself, and if not for the fact that Nancy is hiding my car keys I’m pretty sure I would have already gone for a drive.  I need to get off of my ass, and back into some type of routine, and return to being a productive member of society, but the disrupted sleeping patterns is making it hard.

I want to thank all the well wishers, and appreciate the support from everyone from PCF, much love to you all, and I really can’t thank my boss enough.  She has been the reason I’m recovering at the rate that I am, and even when I’m a whiny bitch she is for sure patient.

End pity party here...

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A look back at 2012...my goals, resolutions.

A look back at 2012...my goals, resolutions.

Looking back at 2012, and the resolutions I’d written for 2012, I found myself reading the blog post, and surprised at how hopeful I was last year, and how much positive energy I had, at that point in my evolution I’d overcome some significant hurdles, and made the types of changes in my lifestyle which are life altering. 

Rereading that post I’m disheartened to realize how much of the passion is missing in my life, and as that fire has dissipated over the last year so have the blog posts, so has the outlook on my life.  Perhaps I am someone who is predisposed to being melancholic, ha, I’m a melancholic…that’s my drug of choice.

Here’s an analysis of my 2012 goals.

Physical Goals

“I will lose 70 lbs by the end of the year, or fit into a size 32 pant size.”

While I didn’t lose the 70lbs I wanted to I did lose about 30 lbs, I ended 2011 at 270 lbs, and ended 2012 240 lbs.  I got my pant size down to a comfortable 38.  At one point for several months in 2012 I was as low as 225 lbs, and a comfortable 36. 

My trip to Mexico put a bit of a monkey wrench in my progress.  Prior to leaving for Mexico I started to introduce foods which I had been staying away from so I wouldn’t get ill as a result of accidental contact, or consuming something because it was all that was available.  It worked out well because I didn’t get sick but when I returned home getting back on track was tough, and yet to have reached the discipline I had back in September of 2012. 

My present weight is 245 lbs, and my goal is for 2013 is to lose 45 lbs.

 

“During Fight Gone Bad 7 I will break 300 (253 Sept)as my score.”

FGB was programmed once this year, but it was programmed after my shoulder injury, and I wasn’t able to the workout as prescribed which makes the number irrelevant, I am pretty confident that a score of 300 is more than achievable; I know I can do it.  While I know it’s not an official check mark, I feel comfortable enough to take it off of the list.

“I will complete a 5k.”

Running is fucking stupid.

Somehow I found myself running 2 10k’s the Rare 10k and the Clarendon Day 10k.  I also did the Jingle All the Way 8k, and a Tough Mudder which was 13 miles.

5k distance is now something that I was doing as a workout.

“I will complete a Wilderness or Mountaineering Course.”

I did a 6 day Skills Seminar with RMI at Camp Muir.  During my 6 days at Camp Muir, I found myself having mixed emotions.  While I could feel the strike of a flint in my heart for the mountains, I also felt a cold dose of fear.  I’m old, I’m fat, and my skills are rusty, it was a crucial trip in my personal development as I realize that time in the mountains is what gives me balance.

“I will break 900 in my Crossfit Total (775 in November)”

My  CFT Total in 2011 was 775.  I thought I had done well for my first CFT, so I figured adding a 125 points might be a stretch but doable.

Throughout the first half of 2012 I was making great progress, I was improving in every area, and had established a 1 rm of 225 lbs for my split jerk, following the Tough Mudder injury, I lost focus, and was going through the motions.  It took me a while to create a plan, and once I had one I didn’t really stick to it, I was sort of all over the place. 

In the end I wasn’t able to score a complete CFT, but I did improve 30 lbs on my backsquat, and 10 lbs on my deadlift.  Those numbers are a clear indication of where I had focus, and where I had none.

Spiritual

“I will take at least 4 trips this year, which are unrelated to business.”

I took my parents, and my woman to Key West, and Northern California.  These were big trips for me because I was able to do something for my parents which they can’t do for themselves, they got to see places they hadn’t been and have a good time.  They even ate out at nice restaurants without complaining.

I rented a beach house for my entire family, and we spent a week away from it all, unfortunately the house we rented sucked, and schedule changes made the whole trip less than perfect, but it was time away with my entire family.

I went to Minneapolis, where I got to see some great people I dearly missed, run around in the mud with a bunch of other crazies, and had one of the best Milkshakes of my life.  I went to Seattle for the first time to climb a mountain, I was able to have a great time in the city on my own, although I dearly missed Nancy, and had wished she was with me, but I’m pretty sure she would have left in protest once she smelled the toilet at Camp Muir.  I also spent 10 days in Mexico feeling like a true foreigner for the first time in many years, and had 15 minutes at the summit of a mountain that made my year.

I was able to take my lady to NYC right before Christmas.  We got to see an incredible DMB show with All Access passes, ate some great food, and had an overall enjoyable time. 

The amount of time I took this year for myself, and my family is probably why I wasn’t as angry as I was in previous years, and I found it easier to be patient.

“I will take at least a week off during the year.”

With several trips taken in 2012, the constant joke I was hearing from people, was whether I actually worked or not.

“I will work on being more patient with others, and keeping my calm, even when they are dumb fucking idiots, are making me want to choke them to death.”

I have become more patient, even though some people still make me want to commit homicide; I have not any memorable implosions or outward tongue lashes which I later regretted.  I will need to continue to work on this, but I made major progress in 2012.

“I will start writing once every couple of weeks the story of my parent’s immigration to the US.”

Utter failure here, in fact I haven’t written much at all 2012, this makes me sad.  The more I think about it, this story is there, it needs to come out but I need to enhance my ability to write, I am going to take a class in 2013 where I am forced to write. 

 

“I will be more generous to people with my spirit.”

I think I’ve excelled in this area, and have been more of the person I am naturally, and the person I want to be…

While I feel there are areas in my personality that I still would like to change, I am now more open to meeting new people and being a positive influence.  I would like to be more of the type of person that is sorely missed when not around, Johnny Feel Good.

Professional

“I will begin to have a 5 day work week.”

I went to a five day work week early in the year.   It was hard trying to find the right days, but early on I would take Friday and Saturday off, then when I got back from Mexico I decided I was going to work M-F.  While this has been my schedule most of the time, I’ve realized that I still need to cycle in weekend days to stay on top of my staff, and to just make sure my presence is felt.

“I will achieve a financial reserve of at least 3 months of operating income.”

This has been a struggle, as we have not had a real winter in two years.  My business requires snow fall, followed by no rain for 10 days at a time, we haven’t had this in 5 years.  We have also had quite a bit of rain, during months of the year where we used to never have rain. 

I am going to shoot for this again in 2013.  My goal is to basically have 3 months of total operating income sitting in a bank that is not our reserve account.  While it will function somewhat as a reserve, I don’t ever want to touch our back up dollars.

“I will hire a book keeper.”

I have an existing staffer doing payroll, and she will take on more bookkeeping, and I have someone else helping with organizing the paperwork in the office, this is something that has given me a great deal of satisfaction as I feel like I’m back to running the business and not getting run over by it. 

“I will hire better staff, and make the financial commitment in my people, including sending 3 people to Sonny’s Car Wash College, and provide at least 2 training seminars throughout the year open to all staff, so I don’t have to work as hard.”

I hired one new management person, he wasn’t the ideal person for my original plan but was such a good fit counter balancing the site manager at one of my locations that I brought him on board, ultimately it did free up time, and make it easier for me to do more.
I was not able to send staff to training offsite because one both of my managers asked for additional vacation time during the summer time which essentially fucked this up, but the commitment is there, and I am planning to follow through with this in 2013.

“I will delegate more to my staff, and give them the freedom to accomplish what I ask in their way.”

I have delegated significantly more, yet I’m still trying to find the right balance.  I basically have an on and an off switch, so trying to find the right balance between micromanagement, and utter detachment has been tough.

Growth

“I will take at least two classes in a topic that are for my enjoyment like a basic knife skills class at Sur La Table.”

We took one class this year in Atlantic City at the Viking Cooking School on Thai Food, and one at Sur La Table which was a knife skills class.

“I will read 12 books this year.”

Utter Failure here, I read 4 books, the dumbening of Louis Kim continued in 2012.  I am going to set a new goal in 2013 that is more achievable so I can get into a better habit of reading, I feel my brain getting stupid, and my ability to read and write is not what it was, as most of what I read is fairly simple on a day to day basis, those complex topics don’t get processed as quickly and easily as they used to, I used to be able to read a sales contract, or pertinent business document in a very short period of time and have it dissected without having to write much down, today I find myself rereading large parts of these documents, then writing things out to make sense of it I don’t like it, and it’s pissing me off.

 

“I will watch less TV, limiting my weekly viewing.”

Utter failure here, I have to create a better habit, or turn my TV into a brush guard on my car, it’s so big relative to my place, I think it’s hard not to get sucked in, I’ve watched as visitors turn into zombies when it lights up.  My sister has the same TV and it doesn’t have the same effect in their house, I also need to find a better way to decompress. 

“I will make connections with people in other businesses to try and discover what it is that will give me purpose in life.”

I didn’t start this until the 4^th quarter of 2012; it’s something I will continue in 2013.

“I will work to un-clutter my life by either donating, or selling anything that I no longer use, or don’t foresee using.”

I have made progress here, but not as much as I’d like, I’ve sold quite a bit of junk, and donated significant amounts of clothing and shoes.  By the end of 2013 I would like to only have those things in my house that I use on an ongoing basis; I am the type who is always preparing for the world to end, so I have too much shit “Just in case”.  I am going to learn to become MacGyver and do more with fewer things.  I feel a great deal of the unhappiness and lack of focus is manifested in all the shit I own. 

I am going to post my 2013 goals tomorrow, and you will see how I am evolving as a person.  More of me and less of the person I don’t like.

 

Yeah it’s my birthday…Go Fuck Yourself!

 All people when it comes to their birthday can be broken up into one of three categories.   

1. “IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!”

These people turn their birthdays into great events, they have no problem throwing a part for themselves, or taking a trip somewhere special without a concern about anyone else, it’s their day and they don’t give a fuck what you think or whether or not you approve.  If they throw a party they tend to throw awesome parties, and end having so much youthful exuberance about this day that you either choke them out, or get sucked into the wake of their frolicking. 

 

2. “It’s my birthday…”

Indifference is at the center of these people’s attitudes towards the day of their birth, you acknowledge it, or not, either way they won’t change their opinion about you.   Maybe mom and dad didn’t make a big deal, or they were bitten by a dog on the ass on their birthday. 

My personal feeling about this type is that the indifference isn’t real, and deep down inside they just want someone to outwardly show them love. 

 

3. “FUCK! It’s my FUCKING birthday, I haven’t done anything with my life worthwhile, and if you try to give me a fucking birthday cake which I don’t deserve I swear I will use the fucking candles to give you a prostate massage.”

There is a small percentage of the world that falls into this category, and it takes a special kind of asshole to be one.  I should know, I am the founder of this division of the Branch Davidians. 

The last five birthdays I’ve had, at some point during the day I’ve found myself angry to the point I’ve almost gotten into fights, and then at some point cried like a little fucking girl scout who got her cookies jacked a methed out Cookie Monster.

For much of my life I’ve felt like a thoroughbred stuck plowing the fields.  With each passing year my racing ability diminishing, the bitterness growing, the world getting smaller, the inner heat to run dissolving along with my soul.

I can’t tell you where this comes from, and whether I have some delusional view of what my life is supposed to be, but there is something deep inside of me which has told me that I am supposed to do something with my life that will impact a great many people.  Every year that passes without any type of validation of this feeling is like getting your balls crushed by an asphalt paver.

It’s why I’m such a miserable fuck on my birthday.  I wake up disappointed, and discontented that I am not where I am supposed to be, am I just narcissistic to even think that I am some special snow flake that has a special place somewhere?

 

Today is no different, I’m bummed, my balls are as flat as dryer sheets, yet I’m going to try and do something different.

Am I trying too hard to make create my place, or make a place rather than letting myself find a place, I maybe suffering from “want it too bad syndrome” I’m chasing something so hard, that ultimately I’m pushing it further away from me.  I don’t know what it is that I want but I do know my talents and abilities are mired in mediocrity, and I haven’t sustained excellence in any one particular area for many years. 

Just know that today on this day the day of my birth that I’m planning to try and approach it differently from birthdays past, even with crushed balls I am going to try keep a positive outlook on the day, and figure out a better way to spend the day than dwelling on all the things I still haven’t accomplished.

12/28/2012 Surgery Today

On the eve what is surely going to be the start of a major test in my life, I find myself unable to sleep.   There is a clear lack of understanding of what lies ahead and in front of me, while what I face is not the end of the world, in fact relative to most problems faced by other people in the world, the road ahead is quite trivial, yet I can’t help but feel fearful of my own inadequacies.  And the possible damage those inadequacies could cause the progress I’ve made with my health.

I will truly find out over the next three months whether or not my physical transformation was truly an evolution, and not a short term journey. 

Were all the actions that I’ve taken over the last 16 months part of a single desire to not be fat, or were they incremental steps that evolved into a lifestyle change, this is a question I can’t answer tonight, tomorrow, or within the next couple of weeks.  Where I end up in a few months will reveal whether all the shit I’ve written on this blog were truth or a bunch of hot air from a loud mouth asshole. 

I’ve battled my weight my entire life, and as much as it has sucked in the past, I always had the ability to physically exert myself, it’s been a crucial tool, and perhaps also a major crutch.  It’s so easy to tell yourself that you can make up for the cheese Danish you just ate by working out longer, or harder, because in my twisted mind the caloric balance was all that mattered, even after all I’ve come to believe about weight and diet I still find myself at times justifying poor choices by this shitty logic.

 I’m pretty sure this mindset of treating my body like a simple math equation is how I started down the road towards 400 lbs.

In the next few weeks how will I justify my actions when I do something stupid like eat a cupcake.  With the doctor telling me that most physical activities are out for at least 3-6 weeks, and that beginning in week 4 I can start doing mild low intensity workouts, there won’t be much room for error, or justification.

It’s been a crazy year so far, I’ve stumbled more this year than the last, and have found myself constantly frustrated and mired in a self created plateau.  I can blame my injury, but the truth of the matter is I’ve existed in a pity party since the day after I got the diagnosis on my shoulder, and ultimately I haven’t met my goal weight. 

Getting to 200 lbs was well within my reach, there were several points in the second half of 2012 where I was close to getting my weight below 220 and stopped, not because I gave up or it got too hard, but I’d make a stupid choice, like getting shitfaced or eating a series of meals that would take me so far of course I needed a Rybear bitch slap to get my senses back.

 I lost that all consuming desire which drove me through 2011, and was the engine behind my transformation.

I have to find that desire and let that animal out again it’s the only way I see a successful end to this process.

Without CrossFit for a couple of months I have made a serious decision to only focus on body weight reduction.  There will be no muscle building, so fat losing should be a cinch, nothing to confuse on the scale. 

I am going to eat 100% clean, focus on PT, and do whatever physical activity I can without causing damage to my shoulder.

What’s going to make this road even tougher is that I’ve bought into the social aspect of PCF, there is a sense of comradery and team that has helped my transform working out from something miserable to something enjoyable.  

The once loner who would kill himself in the gym on his own, has found a way to do drive that intensity while interacting with others, I now have to turn the desire to reach out, off, and get back into my tunnel and focus on just me.  What’s worse I will probably have to get a membership at Golds or WSC so I have somewhere to go, it’s pathetic.

Much of what I write right now is disjointed and confusing even to me, it’s a series of random thoughts, and things that have been running in my head the last couple of weeks, maybe it’s the pain killer I’ve taken tonight (the doctor wanted me to test pain meds to make sure I can tolerate them), or it’s just the uneasiness I feel blogging again, but in any case it’s all new ground.

There is part of me that thinks, what I can learn over the next 6 months are lessons I would have never had a chance to learn if not for an injury like the one I have, diet is 70% of body composition, and it will be the only tool I can use to reach my goal weight.  

The following song is going to be my anthem during this period:

  

12/13/2012 Holy Shit My Shoe Broke!

Holy Shit My Shoe Broke.

For the last several years I’ve kept close that were of a smaller size in the hopes that I would be able to wear them again someday, this included a dozen pairs of shoes.  The other day I was looking for a pair of black business casual shoes, when I put on a pair that I hadn’t worn in years.  I noticed two big issues right away, first I had to tighten down the laces significantly in order for the shoes to feel like they were snug on my feet, and second the soles felt kind of strange on my feet.

The little bit of discomfort I experienced was a big enough deal for me to change my shoes, especially because I needed the boost to my confidence in knowing that I was wearing shoes that not too long ago would not have fit on my feet, that’s right I was so obese I had fat feet.

For most of this day I walked around without much though, but occasionally I would take a strange step where my right foot would want to roll sideways, or I’d put pressure on my heel and it would feel like I was stepping on something.

When I got home, I decided the issues were large enough that I didn’t want to wear them anymore, so I took them off to put into a pile of clothing I was planning on donating, when I noticed this:

I cracked the sole, there was so much downward pressure from my fat body, that the shoe decided it wasn’t worth living and off’ed itself.   

It made me thankful for how far I’ve come along, and was a further realization that I don’t want to ever be that way again.  The amount of pressure and stress I must have been causing my joints and muscles is unfathomable.   

The joke’s just write themselves…

Jingle All The Way 8K

 

It is no secret, running is stupid.  As the only natural human defense mechanism, it should only be used when running away from wild animals, or foreign invaders.  Quite simply it is a meaningless act that is even more meaningless when not escaping certain danger; it’s become the quintessential form of masturbation.

 

Maybe’s the desire to stay lean, or constantly play with myself, but I find myself running all the time, while hating myself for doing it.  Since my shoulder injury earlier this year I’ve used CrossFit Endurance, and the programming that Tes has provided as a way to stay in shape, lean out a bit, and stay on target when it comes to my eating.

For me there is a great deal of synergy between my workouts, and how I eat.  The cleaner I eat, the better I feel, the harder I workout, the more I improve.  When my food intake does take a nose dive and I start eating stuff like Cheesecake, or Emily’s Pumpkin Pie has somehow fixed all the issues with Pumpkin Pie, I’d eat that shit only using my face to get the pie into my mouth, I have one good workout and I’m back to normal.  It’s like the scales of fatness get balanced with a Metcon, or a series of intervals.  This balancing of my psychosis is the only reason I run.

Last Friday I am slammed with work which included trying to make decisions on major yearend purchases in order to lower our tax liability, and improve our operations.  At some point in the afternoon my good buddies from CFE start calling me out asking me why I’m not doing this Jingle All The Way 8k, and then Matt R. pipes in that there’s only 30 minutes left to register, and that I should register.

It was like I was in black fog of peer pressure, as my wallet pulled out of my back pocket, and I reached for my debit card.  As I entered the numbers into the Pacers registration page,  I typed as quickly as possible, like I was taking down a distasteful bit of medication, then without a thought I hit enter and paid for my place.

That night I went out and started to drink…I am by nature a lush, which is why I don’t drink that often, but things being what they were, I’m sure the anxiety run played a role in my drinking.  Like usual when I get shitfaced, everyone else around me was casually drinking, so I was that guy, and at some point while out with the some PCF’ers I pinky swore with Ms. Cupcake that I’d be at the 10 AM WoD the next day.

This is me after drunk texting triple L, and talking smack about to her about the WoD the next day, this is how I waited for my woman to escort me home.  Bask in my awesomeness readers.

The rest of the time leading up to the race went like this…

Saturday Wake Up Feel Like Shit…

Do the WoD…Feel Like Throwing Up During the Wod…Dry Heave while doing burpee box jumps…scar my left shin while jumping into the box…end WoD and mentally checkout after brunch with PCF’ers at Green Pig Bistro…a few times while at Green Pig I know people said something to me, but I just starred at them, and gave them uncomfortable silence.

All Day Saturday…”WHY THE FUCK AM I RUNNING?”

Go to bed early.

Sunday Morning Wake Up to texts, and facebook messages about people backing out of the race.  After a good half hour of back and forth texts between my Punting CFE Buddies and Matt R. the decision was made to run the race.  Basically after all the CFE’ers punted, that’s right when it was first and goal they said fuck it let’s punt and see what happens, something about rain, and sickness, so I left my fate in the hands of the running gods, and told Matt I’ll do whatever your wife decides. 

As most things in my life, I left the decision for that day to a woman.  If it wouldn’t be considered creepy I’m pretty sure I’d still let my sister and mom pick out my clothes every day. 

The race turned out to be a decent time, if you consider hating yourself for 40 minutes, so you can spend the last 3 and half pushing yourself past the point of hate into self-loathing.  It was a flat course that started at Freedom Plaza, and ended back at Freedom Plaza after a loop near the Capitol, and some short out and backs. 

It was interesting to see all the people running in Santa Outfits, which included a guy who ran in a Santa costume and juggled the entire race.  There was even one guy who ran in a suit with loafers, he was hauling, and I was captivated by his locks of flowing golden hair, and chiseled chin…was that out loud?

The first half of the race for me wasn’t so bad, it was relatively cold, and the first two miles served as a warm up, I’m sure I kept to a 9-10 minute mile.  At the halfway point I picked up the pace, and took off my sweatshirt.  I found myself working significantly harder, and I actually started to pass people.

Between miles three and four I felt shitty.  I never reached a point of wanting to quit, but I just felt like I could use a break, but when I turned the corner and saw the 4 mile marker, those feelings went away, it was that or the fact that some doucher was obnoxiously singing Christmas Carols, nobody wants to get their assed kicked to a soundtrack, especially a poorly sung one.

The final 600-800 meters I pushed myself as fast I could.  My legs at this point were smoked, and the only thing pushing me through the final stretch of time was the desire to overcome the pain, and my self-loathing. 

In the end I finished in 43:25 which comes to about an 8:41 mile.  I’m happy with the time, but and glad I did the run, but I still think running is fucking stupid.