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Understanding my goals, my year, and myself part 2, 5 Things I Want To Do.

Personal Examination of my Professional Goals for the Calendar Year 2013

Professional- This is an area of my life that makes all the other parts possible, all of the following goals for 2013 are related to my present primary business, many of the goals this year are necessary in order to advance into the next phase of my life. 

• I will hire one new manager, or operations person that is a game changer.  The type of person that fundamentally forces us to get out of this place of complacency.

Why: I need to find a key player who can help take on the day to day operations of both sites, and also function as the swing manager, to work when the others guys are on vacation, or need extra time off, he/she would could act as a stop gap when needed, but would also be responsible for hiring and training a new site manager when needed, keep the existing guys accountable, and act as the force acts the play I create. 

In order to grow revenue, and perhaps grow the business, this is pivotal position, everyday that I am mired in daily minutia, I can’t create the programs that will run the company like a self driven entity, nor can I act as the company’s leader, in order to provide better leadership I have to find someone who is a better manager. 

Because I suck…

How: I will begin the process by the previously utilizes means of advertising, and interviewing, yet I need to delve deeper into this process and actively recruit someone.  I need to come up with business cards that are specifically used for recruitment, and hand them out to people who I encounter in the service industry who impress me.  

On the back of the card, I will put my personal cell phone, and a quick note that says, “You’ve impressed me, there may be a position in my company, contact me so we can discuss it”, or something along those lines. 

Pitfalls: Losing the emotional impetus act could be my downfall, the continued quenching of fires could cause me to stall, and not take the time to look outside of my immediate situation to find someone.  Recruiting is a long and tedious process that requires constant action.  I am going to further reconnect with the recruiters I contacted last year; there is someone out there who could be my Sonic Captain that I haven’t found.

Keys: I have to distance the involvement with certain family members, so I can create the situations that are best for someone new.  Moving out of the “pizza shop” into a real company has taken far longer than expected, and the main reason is lack of support.  I have to find the right people to lead, simple actions like sending an email or memo shouldn’t be fucking tenuous.  This person also has to be someone who has charisma to instill a certain culture into our business.

• I will set aside 2 months of mortgage payments for each site in what I will call an operational reserve, so that we can leverage our capital reserves for growth.

Why: The present safety net we have is good, but not great. 

I have a RPG launcher when I want a Howitzer.  The nice thing with a Howitzer is you can launch one to obliterate a target, and not feel like you have to pick up a bunch of shells to reuse because the enemy may have survived the blow.  With 2 months of our largest single expense each month socked away in a reserve, those months where our 30% payroll and mortgage payment come due the same day, I won’t feel like I have to give blood to make it.

How: I have to get a handle on our present procedure of ordering and purchasing, the Monthly American Express bill at times is unmanageable, because I am giving too much freedom to people who haven’t been given an incentive to use less, and save more.  Further without PO’s, or financial accountability what difference does it make if the managers order 1 more barrel of soap when it’s not needed, or an extra tool that might end up in a customer’s car if I’m not holding them more accountable. 

I need to work with CFO Source, to get this under control.  Further I need to get Craig to give me a cash flow analysis statement, so we can better understand the roller coaster that is revenue in the car wash business.

Pitfalls: I cannot get obsessed with making capital improvements, which I always am, this year I will buy a camera system in FC, and a couple of key pieces in WB, once that happens other than repairs the purse strings will close.  I must also drastically reduce employee perks for this year; I will buy fewer meals, gifts, and focus on creating benefits that are longer lasting like a 401k, and FSA plan for our staff.  These are things that benefit staff and the business, as opposed to a feel good McDonald’s lunch.  $10 here, $15 there turns into $20,000 a year on meals that can be used on something else (not all meals but you get the point).

Keys: I have to make financials decisions without emotion, and put better controls in place to keep my people from spending our profits.  I need help in this area.

• I will have our books closed quarterly instead of annually.

Why: Closing the books everyone month is the way it should be done, and the fact we have never done it in our 10 years of business if fucking insane.  I don’t know how we have gotten this far without this valuable information.  While I instantly can tell you things like, Cars Per Man Hour, Labor Dollar Per Car, Cars Per Year, and Revenue Figures (all operational pieces of data), I can’t give you up to date real time accurate information on things like, Chemical Cost Per Car, Profit Per Car, Dollar Profit Per Employee Hour, or average dollars spent per year per customer (all financial pieces of data). 

These numbers are just as important as the previous ones, but they are essential to any business owner, the books closing every month will allow me to do one of the two things I’m good at, which is an analysis of information.  Patterns, correlations, statistical information is something I see differently than most, and it is what would make me an excellent business person as opposed to an average one. 

Closing the books is key not only to the business but to my personal mental health.

How: I have to close 2012.  Have all QuickBooks data updated by the end of January 2013, then move forward writing checks directly from QuickBooks (like you’re supposed to), and keep myself accountable by checking in with CFO Source once a month to go over books.  I will use the help of our present payroll person to help keep the books going on a perpetual basis.

Pitfalls: I cannot allow the dip in financial resources throughout the year to dictate my consistency on this matter.  After years of direct car wash operations, I have developed a horrific pattern of matching my activity level based on the weather conditions.  Bad weather means slacking, good weather means hard work; I have to keep a regular five day work week as my pattern, and be productive even on the shitty weather days.

Keys: I have to utilize the skills of the people who are already with me, and find people who can act as backups should those people move on, the numbers are the most important part of every business, and I’ve been operating for 10 years with only a half picture, and information that is old.  The right person or people helping to do the inglorious part of entering data and writing checks are vital to my ability to generate this information.

• I will send 2 managers to Sonny's Car Wash College, and have Wash Guru provide training for at least 1 week this year.

Why:  In order to improve the performance of people who are already on staff I will send two people to Florida for training.  There is nothing better than professional training, done without the distraction of actually running the car wash, if I want the freedom to do more; I need to teach my key people more. 

I further will bring in an outside training company to help develop the training systems to make things better and easier, a third party is sometimes important for a fresh perspective on what needs to change, and functions as an additional source of accountability.

How: I have to schedule summer vacations early on, perhaps by May, so I can make sure it this trip for my key guys happens this year.  I won’t allow staffs time off to effect my business decisions.

Pitfalls: I can’t let the issues that arise between now and then to question my decision, I know I need this to be done, I have to increase the skill set of the guys around me.  I can hate my life or love it, in order to love it I have to take the burden of my situation and disperse the weight among as many people as possible.

Key: Schedule early, time correctly and follow through once it’s underway.

• I will develop a more methodical training system, which leverages and takes full advantage of the money spent the last two years with Wash Guru.

Why: A few years ago I spent quite a bit of money to train my existing managers, and to create an operational manual and put systems into place.  Like most types of education not all of it stuck, partly because of a lack of depth in my crew, partly because I didn’t take the proper steps to maintain the progress.

How: I have to hire better people, and bring Wash Guru back in this year, and perhaps every year to keep us accountable to the system that they helped put into place.  There’s nothing like paying someone outside of your company good money to have them tell you the problems you already know about, to get you off your ass, and stay on point. 

When they come in year after year telling you the same thing at some point your embarrassment will make you act.  I need a little Gordon Ramsay to get my business to run the way I want.

I will further have to find a way to make the training of new people more systematic, is a lack of talent the major issue here?

Pitfalls: The major pitfall is if I don’t have my game changer in place by the day the training period starts, especially when Wash Guy comes back.

Keys: Schedule early with Wash Guru, push my staff, hire the game changer, and reduce my own pay to make room for what’s needed so I can take more down the road.

 

Five Things I want to do this Year.

This is a simple list of ten things I want to do; these are not goals, but just activities I want to do, I have no plan for these but when I have free time, with no ideas these are the things I will fill them with, life’s too short to watch TV.

Of these if I can get to 5 I will be happy.

1. Throw a big party.
2. Take an introductory flying lesson.
3. Get involved with a charity.
4. Clean out my parent’s garage.
5. Sell or cash in old work truck.
6. Take a cooking class at least twice.
7. Take a sailing lesson.
8. Take my dad, brother and brother-in law deep sea fishing.
9. Take my sister on a “date”.
10. Take my parents on a vacation somewhere.
11. Do something cool on New Year’s Eve.
12. Go to New York once.
13. Go to Philadelphia Once.
14.  Play blackjack, and not give a shit.
15. Help someone just because.

 

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Understanding my goals, my year, and myself part 1.

In an effort to better understand my own words, I am going to analyze my goals, I think some of the thoughts I put down last year were great notions but without further introspection as to why it was important to me they got lost as the year went on, I’m going to try and do this in parts.

Today’s post is solely an effort to understand my Personal goals for the year 2013.  I’ve broken up my personal desires for the year into two categories, Physical and Spiritul.  Physical goals those directly related to my health or the well being of flesh and bones, while the Spiritual goals are those related to my well being, and those things that are more directly connected to the core of who I am, and who I want to become.

Personal Examination of my Personal Goals for the Calendar Year 2013

Physical Goals – it’s important for me to not for granted the progress I’ve made over the last two years, 443 lbs seems like a millennia ago and I have to continue to make progress while pushing the boundaries of what I think I’m capable of, there once was a time where everything physically was out of reach, the only limitations I face today are what my brain can imagine. 

• I will lose 50 lbs, and fit into a size 32 jean.

Why: I am presently fluctuating between 238-245 lbs, so this goal was based on a conservative assumption that I am maintaining a weight of 245 lbs.  I want to get below 200 lbs, so I figured 195 lbs is a good place to be, this is not just a magic number or threshold that I need to cross, it’s more of the numeric target for a bigger goal.

If I am going to have the body contouring surgery where essentially the doctor is going to cut me open, and pull my skin as tight s possible, I want to physically be as lean as possible.  It would drive me insane if I had the procedure done at 215 lbs, then lost another 10 lbs to only have loose or flabby skin anywhere on my body.  I am tired of being both flabby, and loose, it is tough to feel masculine when your chest sags to your belly button

How: I will need to develop a more consistent routine with my meals during the workweek.  I can no longer allow myself the slack to cheat, this year is the home stretch, and I can’t lose sight of the final year of feeling fat.

As was the plan from last year I am going to continue to do CrossFit, while supplementing my routine with CrossFit Endurance, and other Endurance activities like biking, and swimming.   

Pitfalls: I cannot allow others to sabotage my plan, I am going to learn to say no to my family, and associates and not allow myself to be drawn into eating out when I have a set meal planned for a set day.  I will allow myself occasional cheats, but I must keep them short and sweet as to not get stuck in a cycle of cheating.

Keys: What I put in my mouth outweighs everything I do in the gym.  I can run 12 miles, do Fight Gone Bad 5 times, and then row with the altitude mask for 2 hours, but if I polish off 5 gallons of Chunky Monkey I’m fucked.

• I will run 3 races this year, one of them being a distance longer than a 10k.

Why: Running will forever be stupid and for the most part useless.  I fucking hate running but realize I need to run not only because of the challenge, but it will help me stay lean.  The races will serve as checkpoints, or the reason that I continue to run on a regular basis, while the goal of a distance longer than a 10k I want to see if mentally I can handle running for more than 6 miles.

How: CrossFit Endurance was supposed to be a one month test to improve my running, it is now a part of my regular workouts because it helps increase my lung capacity, keeps me lean, and challenges my  pain cave.  I will have to find the right balance between CFE workouts and the regular WoDs.  I will sign up for the whole season starting in March, and will commit myself to running Long, and Ultra distances after the first full month.

Pitfalls: I have to watch out for fatigue, and injury.  I pushed myself pretty hard last year, and when October rolled around I was ready for the running to be over.  It’s tough on the schedule, and at times regular CrossFit Suffered, I have to find the balance that is best suited for mountaineering.

Keys: I have to stay committed, even if it means missing a workout, yet making up for it by doing it by myself while on vacation, or on an off day. 

• I will have a 1 rep max of 335 lbs for my back squat, and break 400 lbs for my deadlift.

Why: Back Squat and Deadlift were the only two lifts I could do prior to surgery, so I have greatly improved my technique on both, they are also the building blocks for everything else, I would have included the press to just score a CFT number but it might be June before I start lifting overhead regularly. 

335 for a 1RM on the Back Squat would only be a 10% improvement from the CFT we did in November 2012, with this number I’m also assuming that the angle which my arm has to rest in the back squat will affect when I can actually start to squat heavy.  The rotated arm position that one uses to brace the bar is almost impossible 01/17/13, so I can’t imagined it will be good to go until Mid-April. On the deadlift 400 lbs is just the number I want to achieve.

How: As soon as I can start to WoD again I need to get under the bar and work on technique on both of these lifts until I am cleared to start to lift heavy.  Putting out consistent effort over multiple weeks will be crucial.

Pitfalls: The biggest hurdle is my own disappointment, and self-loathing.  I can’t allow these feelings to take me off track, or allow me to lose focus whereby taking a step back on my progress.

Keys: I need to pick a lifting methodology, formulate a plan using that lifting method, and then seeing it through, staying on track and making progress is key.  If I choose say Wendler I need to make sure I’m on course, and push myself on those final worksets.

• I will walk 1200 miles this year with Benny, with at least 10% of the mileage carrying loads.

Why: I need to be a better dog owner and take my dog on longer walks like I used to when he was a puppy.  When I was in the 300’s I used him as a reason to walk 3-4 miles twice a day for many months, he loved those walks.  Today I only take him for 3-4 miles total for the day, it’s about half the distance, I need to pick up the pace, and get more consistent with the mileage and the days.  I am going to use some of the time that I walk him to train for myself, by loading a backpack with weight and walking the hills of Arlington.  I don’t give a fuck if people stare at me, I already told everyone to fuck off on my birthday, telling them to fuck off in person when I’ve got a ferocious white dog, and a big red backpack is nothing.

How: 1200 miles over the course of 365 days is about a 3.1 mile per day average.  That doesn’t take into account days being sick, days being on vacation, or days I pawn it off on Nancy.  I will net to set a target monthly mileage each month, and then log my mileage with an iphone app, and every week that I don’t hit the target I will take $250 and put into my cash embezzlement fund regardless of how it affects my finances.   

Pitfalls: I have to walk the mutha fucka anyways might as well use this time to accomplish something, so I have to be careful not to get lazy and shorten the average distance hoping to make them up on the weekends with long walks.

Keys: Consistency is key here, I have to be the US Postman, rain sleet or snow…

• I will get my first unassisted pull-up.

Why: I will get at least 1 unassisted pull-up because I’m a guy and it’s embarrassing that my fat ass can’t do one pull-up.  It’s a key part of the sport that I’ve chosen to pursue for a good chunk of my life, and in any case I need to catch up to Mickey’s big ass so I can talk shit.

How: I will supplement my workouts with either recon ron, or some other volume training methodology using assistance bands, and then working my way down.  I will also have to lose more weight because I don’t care who you are 250 lbs guys don’t do lots of pull ups easily.

Pitfalls: Giving up, or losing focus when it appears that either it’s too hard, or the end is too far away.

Keys: I have to always make extra time to do the volume training, I need to record it, and then make adjustments during the year to account for physical changes, my main concern here is overtraining.  I have to push-push without pushing myself over the ledge.

 

Spiritual Goals- This is an area of my life that I’ve made great improvement in over the last year, I’m starting to actually care about myself, and make decisions that make me happy, I’ve taken on many responsibilities, and often times have sacrificed myself for the good of family and friends, in the end I have to take care of number 1, otherwise who the fuck can I help?

• I will save $25,000 specifically for body contouring surgery.

Why: I have to save at least half of the total cost of surgery before I can even consider doing the procedure.  There are medical financing programs, which is great but who wants to be in debt, and to be perfectly honest, I need to prove to myself that I want this badly enough to save this kind of money in a year. 

Being flabby, and fat sucks, I need to cut away the excess like I’ve thrown out my old clothes before I can move on and enter the next phase of my life, the weight used to hold me down literally, it is now holding me down in the figurative sense.

How: I am going to save all the cash that I bring in by selling all the unnecessary shit in my life into this fund, while not buying shots, or paying for shit that I don’t need to pay for to be the nice guy, I will also eat out less, and tie this financial goal with my desire to lose weight, if I’m eating less, I’m spending less outside of the home. 

I will also need to find a small supplemental source of income whether it’s doing some consulting, or selling shit online, I will make this happen for myself.

Pitfalls: I will not allow my negative talk, talk me out of putting money away and buying more shit I don’t need, further in my desire to supplement my present income, I have to be careful not to spread myself too thin, whereby fucking up the whole train.

Keys: I need to get momentum quickly in the first 30 days, if I can set aside at least 10% of that, I will be well on my way to building the number overall.

• I will make 2 trips out West, one of those trips being to California.

Why: My heart is in the West, the mountains are in the West, and my soul yearns to be back in California. 

How: I will borrow, beg, cheat, and steal to make it out west this year, one of the trips will have to be done by car because of goal 1, but I will make a trip out there even if one of the trips is a business one (cheat and steal).

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

• I will take 1 trip out of the country, either to Europe or South America.

Why: My trip to Mexico taught me, that I’m a rube.  I need to get out and see the rest of the world.  I hope to make it Argentina in December to climb Aconcagua, but at this point in the year I have no fucking clue.  Even if I can get to Canada, or a few days in Mexico I need to get out and feel like a foreigner, and see the world outside of the US.

How: I will have to either plan one of my personal or family vacations to a foreign country. 

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

• I will either start, or have the business plan completed for a new business venture.

Why: For years I’ve written about my dissatisfaction with my present business, and what I do on a daily basis. I want to spend time this year finding another business I can peruse, and figure out if I can make fly.  If the right opportunity emerges I need to jump headfirst to get my creative juices flowing again, and creating something.

I’ve realized that I’m not an operations person, I am a start-up person, I need to be there at the beginning helping something mature and cultivate it into something spectacular. 

How: I will have to set aside specific hours each week in order to study other business fields, visit other business owners, meet with inventors, or people who are looking for investors.

Pitfalls: Falling in love with too many ideas, and not picking just one that I am deeply passionate about, if the spark isn’t there don’t force myself into a bad marriage.

Keys: The commitment and spark I feel now I have to preserve and use it to get through the toughest times, because in the beginning a great deal of work will result in zero reward.

• I will climb 1 mountain this year above 10,000'.

Why: I need to get to altitude again, and I’d like to do another skills seminar at 10k’ or higher, but if I can’t spend a week doing that I would like to get at least 1 climb even if it’s in a weekend to get above 10,000.  Don’t ask me why 10,000, probably because it’s a number that’s pretty high especially because I’m at sea level, but it opens up the doors on a lot of mountains that I can do in a weekend.

How: I will need to train for this like I trained for Rainer last year, and set aside enough money to do the trip.

Pitfalls: Not planning the trip early enough, and getting stuck at home because of staffing issues, or spending too much money in other areas whereby making this impossible because of the weight of goal 1.

Keys: I will need to exercise financial discipline like a Catholic Nun exercises sexual discipline. 

I apologize if there are grammatical errors, or typos, but this is really an exercise in open mental clarification, it’s 1 AM, I can’t fall asleep and I’m trying to figure out my year.  I put this out there to hold myself accountable to the outside world, but also because I hope it helps some people who read this…more to come next week with the other areas of my life.

 

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2013 Resolutions/Goals Let's Get Rolling

For 2013 I am writing my “resolutions” a bit later than I’d like, I’m already more than two weeks into the year, so I’ve turned this year into a 50 week cycle instead of a 52 week one.  While I have what most would say is a good reason, I need to man the fuck up, and get my ass in gear.  There is only so much bullshit a person can consume until all they taste, smell, and feel is shit. 

I have this inner hope that 2013, is the year that I’ve been waiting for, whether its finding that one piece of my life that has eluded me for so many years, or coming to the realization that I’m just too unstable or chaotic internally to ever find the spark that will not only propel me to the person I want to be, but keep me there…

As much as I complain, and whine, I am thankful for a great many things in my life, a woman who loves me unequivocally, and loves me for me, a business that is successful, family that is close, great friends, and in the last couple of years incredible experiences. 

That being said, I want more, more of everything. 

I have a desire to impact the world; help others make change, and create something that is everlasting.  I covet this notion because I want validation of my life, and I want a legacy that outlives my lifetime.  I can pretend that deep down I want to help make the world better as some altruistic notion, but the truth is my yearnings are selfish.

All humans are innately selfish, and we are driven and fueled by our own interests.  It’s part of the mechanism that allows us to survive.  It just so happens that my selfishness has will have a byproduct that makes the world better and not worse. 

Having said all that what I want, for 2013 is the following.  I’ve broken up the goals into three categories, Personal, Professional, Growth, with the Personal category having two parts Physical, and Spiritual.  I think 5 goals in each area are possible, knowing that completing 3 difficult goals in each category is more realistic. 

I. Personal

    A. Physical

1. I will lose 50 lbs, and fit into a size 32 jean.
2. I will run 3 races this year, one of them being a distance longer than a 10k.
3. I will have a 1 rep max of 335 lbs for my back squat, and break 400 lbs for my deadlift.
4. I will walk 1200 miles this year with Benny, with at least 10% of the mileage carrying loads.
5. I will get my first unassisted pull-up.

    B. Spiritual

1. I will save $25,000 specifically for body contouring surgery. 
2. I will make 2 trips out West, one of those trips being to California.
3. I will take 1 trip out of the country, either to Europe or South America.
4. I will either start, or have the business plan completed for a new business venture.
5. I will climb 1 mountain this year above 10,000'.

II. Professional

1. I will hire one new manager, or operations person that is a game changer.  The type of person that fundamental forces us to get out of this complacency that is beginning.
2. I will set aside 2 months of mortgage payments for each site in what I will call an operational reserve, so that we can leverage our capital reserves for growth.
3. I will have our books closed quarterly instead of annually. 
4. I will send 2 managers to Sonny's Car Wash College, and have Wash Guru provide training for at least 1 week this year.
5. I will develop a more methodical training system, which leverages and takes full advantage of the money spent the last two years with Wash Guru.

III. Growth

1. I will take 2 online courses that are at least college level curriculum; this is a major priority so that I don't lose the ability to learn new concepts and ideas.
2. I will read 6 books this year.
3. I will make connections with at least 2 professional groups unrelated to my current profession.
4. I will further declutter my life, by eliminating those items in my possession which don't get used at least once every 60 days or are absolute emergency tools or items, and digitizing as much stuff as possible.
5. I will either take a writing class, or get involved with a writers group, I have a desire to write but no direction. 

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E-mail Confirmation.

It’s official I’ve registered for a Mountaineering School in May with RMI Guide Service.  This is my first step towards summiting Mount McKinley. 

The course is an intensive 6-day education on glacier climbing, and is based out of Camp Muir, which is one of several starting points for routes to summit Mount Rainer.  It’s broken up by 1 day of foundational skills training, and then 5 days of hands on training, they leave the schedule somewhat flexible so that there are ample opportunities to summit Mount Rainer. 

Overall there won’t be more than 12 people during my week, and there will be at least 4 guides, as they keep a 3:1 ratio of clients to guides.

I’m excited, and terrified at the same time.  I used to enjoy heights, and found it exhilarating to feel the wind, and the freedom at the peak of a mountain, I wonder how I will feel now, almost 13 years since the last time I saw the view from above 10,000 feet.  With the rapid weight gain, I experienced, a significant change in my equilibrium, and the heavier I got the more it seemed that the view from the tops of building would give me that feeling of having my manhood lifted into my throat, and not some awe inspiring moment of reflection.

I’ve been talking about committing to a trip, but hesitated for many reasons, ultimately it was serendipitous that I filled the last summer spot for any of their pre-Denali trips, especially because the day before this particular trip and date were full.

As I gained weight, the more self conscious I became, the more self conscious I became, the more afraid I became…I was afraid of everything, seeing my reflection in the windows of a building, deciding where to sit because I was unsure if the chair could support me (I’ve broken at least 5 office chairs in the last 3 years), and even being afraid to go outside.  When you feel so shitty about yourself that you don’t want to feel the warmth of the sun because you might overheat and sweat profusely, or the breeze of a nice spring day because your afraid the wind will extenuate your fat contours, and there’s the development of “fat narcissism” (fat guy who thinks everyone is looking at him, and commenting to themselves about his fatness).  You literally feel like every person that you walk past is saying to himself or herself, holy shit that’s a FAT GUY!

It’s an isolating existence.  I even isolated myself from my friends, and refused to attempt to make new connections with people, because who could show any type of affinity for such a miserable person?

It’s this fear, which continues to push a person deeper and deeper into obesity.  The fear, and the despair you feel from the constant state of feeling afraid it’s like living in an emotional cave with no hope of finding a way out into the light, so you learn to love the darkness.

My desire to climb Mount Rainer, and Mount McKinley are rooted in wanting to reconnect with a place in my life where I was happiest, but also at the age of 33 to overcome my newfound fear of heights.  One of the proudest moments I’ve had in my life was in college when along with a fraternity brother of mine; we climbed a route, which was rated 1 degree harder than anything we had ever climbed before.

For some reason this day, I opted to lead the climb. 

Climbs are rated by the YDS system.  Which breaks climbing routes into 5 classes.  Classes 1-3 are un-roped, and falls from these climbs are usually not fatal.  Class 4 is still normally un-roped, but can be roped; yet the chance of death from a fall on one of these routes is high.

Class 5 routes are what is considered true rock climbing, when you see a picture of someone rock climbing they are always doing a class 5 and above.  Class 5 routes then are rated in difficulty by decimal point, going up as high as 5.15, within each category on the more difficult end of the spectrum there are lettered ratings a-d within a category “a” being easier “d” being most difficult.  Anything that’s a 5.10 and above is considered hard core climbing, if you are new to climbing I assure you won’t be climbing a 5.10. 

It takes years to develop the skill, and specific strength to tackle a 5.10. 

So on this particular day the route we were attempting was a 5.9, up until this point we had only climbed 5.8’s.  I don’t know if it was the amount of pot I smoked the night before, the fact that I was making great progress with a girl I really wanted to date, or if I was just pumped up with youthful stupidity, but I decided to lead the climb. 

Climbing is done in pairs, a lead climber and his partner or the belay guy. 

In this partnership skill levels are comparable, but the lead climber is usually a stronger climber, or is mentally more equipped to handle the stress of lead climbing.  The difficulty in lead climbing is that the leader is the one laying the protection, so as he is climbing if a route is unbolted he places equipment into the rock to secure the rope.  If there are bolts already placed into the route then he is the one clipping the rope to the bolt using quickdraws.  In any case this climber spends the vast majority of the climb exposed. 

Think of it this way, if you are lead climbing and you go out 10 feet of distance from the last time you clipped in, then you are going to not only fall the distance you just climbed but the 10’ of slack that you are carrying with you.  It’s a skill to fall correctly, because if you do it the wrong way you can really fuck yourself up. 

Going back to my first 5.9.

We were at the Garden of the Gods which was a few miles from Campus, it’s an awesome place minus the dipshit C-Springs Townie Kids who always yell to the climbers “Don’t Fall!”, if I was as angry then as I am now, I’m sure I would have responded by saying don’t get pregnant and live your existence in a trailer park.

We had never climbed this route, so when I set out to lead it I was both scared yet completely psyched up.  The first 10 minutes of this climb was tough but nothing I couldn’t handle.  When I got to the crux I was starting to get scared, climbing routes have two things, they always have a point of new return, and a crux, and it’s the hardest point of any route (hence the crux).

The crux was about 15-20 feet from the top of the route, but while pressing my legs against this rock, and holding on with one hand under an overhang, it looked like it was a mile away.  I held myself in this position for what felt like an hour, but it was probably 10 minutes.  I was about 10 feet from my last quickdraw, and the next place to clip in was three-five feet above my reach. 

I had to not only find the right place to go but pull myself over a slight overhang. 

My breathing started to get labored, my right arm was starting to throb, and my forearm was knotting up, this while my left leg started to tap up and down, which used to be referred to as sewing machine leg.  I’m sure my hips were in pain from driving them into this rock to stay on the face of this route, but when you are 19-20 I’m sure you don’t feel your hips.

At some point something clicked in my head, I closed my eyes, got control of my breathing, and then focused on specific movements that I could make to start moving again.

I visualized the places to put my hands, feet; I would imagine its something like a chess player, playing a game in his mind.  My left hand just past the overhang, my left leg positioned just above my knee, then my right hand extending to reach a firm handhold, my right leg in that correct place to get me past this backward sloping surface.  I then just did it.

I don’t remember much beyond this point, it’s incredible how when you have this visualized plan your mind can just make it happen.  I do recall the feeling I had at the top of the climb sitting next to my good friend, enjoying the sunset in the Garden of the Gods.  We didn’t say much to each other, we just enjoyed the serenity, as our eyes tried to comprehend this new palate of orange hues across a sky with a deep blues fading into blackness. 

My hope is that during this trip to Washington, I experience this paralyzing fear again, and find a way to calm myself, focus and overcome it.  I am tired of feeling the fear that I’ve felt for so many years.

I want to know that I am in control of how I overcome a difficult situation, and that I am capable of overcoming my fears, I’ve spent so much time catering to them, I need to teach myself to use them for my advancement or development.

We will see, now I have to work hard to make sure I’m physically ready to do the work.  I’m hoping with the addition of CrossFit Endurance that my lung capacity expands to the point to handle the altitude change. 

It’s time to get my ass moving, it’s only 90 days away now.

12/01/2011 A little bit about me, and Inspiration is as Inspiration Does

Inspiration is as Inspiration Does

I wrote not too long about what motivates me, you can read that post here; most of those points were goals, or emotions that I have which drive me.  After a recent post on the PCF blog I wanted to post a few ideas, and thoughts that I use to keep pushing.

1. How you finish determines how you progress in the next workout…I find that the most important part of any workout is the end, those last few reps, or the last minute of any AMRAP, or the final round of work.  It’s in these moments you find out about yourself as a person, about your determination, and your desire to succeed.  It’s here you muster everything that you have to prove to yourself that you are capable, and striving for excellence.  It’s also scientifically shown that the reps completed at the point of failure are the ones which help you grow.
2. Incremental Progress over time, equals Significant Improvement…I’ve found that as time moves trying to add an additional 5 lbs here and there, or taking a part of a Metcon and doing it Rx is a step towards doing all of your workouts Rx.  Everything that is substantial was started with something significantly small, a powerful river stared somewhere as a snowflake, or drop of rain which flows down a mountain and over time becomes a river.
3. Your body is ready to the work, your mind has to be taught to endure…Our bodies are something amazing, that science doesn’t completely understand, with an innate ability to adapt and survive, we have also been blessed with reason which at times can prevent us from improving our physical state.  The natural aversion to pain, is a stumbling block to our growth.  I push this barrier as much as I can, the pain you feel is a temporary moment of stimulus, it’s your body sending receptors to the brain to say hey I don’t like this because it might hurt us, I routinely tell my body to go fuck itself.  The pride you feel, and sense of accomplishment you feel when fighting through these moments is all yours, no one can take it from you, and it something you did on your own.
4. Attitude is everything...Your mental state of mind is everything.  If you show up tired, and lazy your workout is going to be the same.   When you don’t feel right, and you need to show up, fucking fake it, but show up determined and ready to do what you need to do, an indomitable spirit is a vehicle that will always lead you to success.  Never accept defeat, and use your small setbacks as motivators to improve those areas, and then improve your ability to work. 
5. Be Honest with yourself…Don’t sugar coat shit, your work is what it is, if you don’t do it right it doesn’t count.  If you had a bad day admit it learn from it, and grow.  We live in a society today built on false promises, false premises, and inflated egos.  Check that shit, and be honest with yourself.  If you can’t accept where you are today you will never succeed.  Acceptance is the first step in changing everything; this is what can really get me frustrated.  I look at a period of time, and look at the results and at times get too hard on myself because I am so focused on the end result.  Being honest with yourself can help you actually enjoy the ride.
6. The difference between winners and losers is that Losers race to Win, while winners just love to race…What I take from this quote is that results are the end goal are important, but importantly is how you got there, did you get there giving everything that you had, did you achieve second place after a half assed attempt or by challenging yourself every single day.  If you focus on becoming better each day, and find joy in the race then you are a winner.  I would rather come in second 1000 times knowing I did everything that I could to win, than 1 time having cheated, or fucked someone over to win.

This is not the gospel according to Louis, but are ideas that help fuel my motivation, take it for what it is…

A little bit on me…

I write this next part for the benefit of my fellow Brothers and Sisters in arms at PCF.  Most of you reading this have provided great advice, and for a large chunk of the population it’s fantastic, yet I understand where I am coming from. 

I was born 16 lbs, and my bulbous melon today is the direct result of being a watermelon passing through a human birthing canal.  From all accounts of those who where around then, my mother barely survived the birth, being the end of the 70’s c-sections were not as common place as they are today.  There is actually a picture of my cousin who is about 6 months young than me, lying next to me, and it looks like a regular Asian baby next to an a genetically altered alien, a descendent of Remulak.

I spent most of my childhood over weight, food was love from my parents, and from my grandmother who lost much of her young adult life to the Korean War.  My grandmother used to wake me up while sleeping as a baby to feed me, because she was afraid I would die while sleeping.

By the time I reached the 6^th I weighed 180 lbs, by the time I reached high school I was tipping the scale at 280 lbs.  Fortunately, I spent most of my youth learning Tae Kwon Do, and then started to play Lacrosse in 7^th grade, so for an obese kid I was mobile.   

Between my Freshman and Sophomore year in high school I lost a 100 lbs, I basically didn’t feed myself and used my Nordic Track like it was a syringe full of heroine.  I lived to wake up and spend an hour on that fucking machine, and burn as many calories as could, then I would spend the rest of the day avoiding food, adults who were family friends found it uncomfortable to eat while I was at the table, because there would be times I would burst into tears because I wanted to eat so bad, but chose not to, it was a mental test for me, which I won every day. 

This is clearly not healthy relationship with food, and it’s not sustainable.  My ability to function became impaired, and I eventually had to quit playing lacrosse because I just didn’t have the energy to play.  I spent the next 10 years of my life at 175 lbs.  After college, I opened a small business which failed, I lost a 100,000 of investor money.  All of these investors were either family or close friends of the family.

I went into a deep depression, and gained 100 lbs in less than a year, and couldn’t put the brakes on until I was way over 400 lbs.  I don’t tell you these things to garner sympathy or pity, but you need to understand that when you spend a big portion of your life battling something that you have to do, then some of your advice is misguided. 

If it were a simple matter of smoking, or drinking, you can eliminate those things and avoid them.  You can’t avoid food.  You can choose not to associate with people who do the things that you are avoiding, everyone has to eat. Add to this that for most obese people the desire to overeat is not just an emotional one, the insatiable cravings caused by out of control insulin levels, and unstable hormones are real and visceral, so how do you solve a medical problem with will power?

I bring this point up because the idea that I should avoid a scale, and just eat intuitively is not feasible.  How can you eat intuitively when your intuition is skewed into the wrong direction, and you have no idea what, and how much you should eat.  Further the scale is not everything, but again I don’t want to be a fit 275 lbs, that’s not the body I want to carry it’s a personal decision, which I have to live with.  Body mass matters, because studies have shown people who weigh less live longer, and beyond that it would make feel better not because society tells me so, because I am uncomfortable in my own skin today because of all the excess shit I carry.  The scale is a tool to help me understand where my body is at any given time.

I also need to measure the quantities of what I eat, so I know what’s acceptable, it’s not something I want to do, nor do I enjoy doing, yet again it’s a necessary tool in my life so I can condition my mind and body to understand what is acceptable in order to attain the physique I want. 

If I don’t know, how do I learn?  I have to measure and figure out what a good portion is, otherwise I will keep overeating.  In the last week I’ve realized that I was eating in the wrong direction and not eating enough.  This is something that most non-overweight people just don’t get, because you all do eat intuitively.  I want to be like you, but I have to condition myself to understand how to get there…

At the end of the day I appreciate everyone’s input, and enjoy the comments, because it gives me things to think about, I just wanted you all to know where I am coming from. 

06/27/2011 Climbing out of the Abyss...

 

Gaining weight is something I am all too familiar with, it starts with a simple cycle of eat too much, feel bad, do something sedentary, and then eat some more, feel worse, then pass out. 

 For me what started as a method of self medication following the worst failure of my life, turned into a constant daze of feeling inadequate, being angry, choosing to stay complacent, and wallowing in the mired mud that had become my life.  My optimism dwindled slowly like a fluorescent bulb loosing its ability to illuminate.  The worse I felt the more I ate, and the more I found myself distancing relationships with friends, family, and colleagues.  It came to a point where I didn’t leave my house for almost 10 days, other than to buy KFC, Popeye’s, or meet the Chinese Food delivery driver. 

I started smoking and smoking in my house.  I was smoking a pack a day, if I could have gotten off of my ass long enough I would have gone to the ABC store to get liquored up.  I didn’t know any drug dealers so I never got high. 

My weight gain was something that happened quickly, and now almost seems intentional. 

I’ve written before about a doctor’s appointment that I had which made me cry on my doctors examining table.  It was the single lowest point in my life, being 26 and weighing in at 443 lbs after a childhood of being obese, then being thin for the first time in my life, to becoming morbidly obese.  In movies and books they always argue about what’s worse, always have been poor, or being rich and then becoming poor.

I can tell you in my situation going from, this to morbidly obese, is far worse than always having been overweight. 

When you are obese you not only feel bad all the time, but you are limited in your daily activities.  Taking a crap becomes an ordeal, about which to do first wipe your ass, pull your pants up, or use the handicap bars to pull yourself up first.  Things like sleeping become difficult because there is so much pressure against your lungs from your own body weight, you literally suffocate yourself. 

The fire in me started more than 5 years ago.  I immediately lost 100 lbs in a matter of months, losing the weight the exact same way I had in high school, not eating and working out until I passed out.

There came a point at 333 lbs where I felt so much lighter it felt like the end.  I could go up stairs, and get into most cars; I felt so much lighter I didn’t give it a second thought, which is precisely why I gained the weight back and almost got back to 400 lbs again.  Over the years I’ve gone up and down in this manner based on the time of year losing in the summer gaining in the winter.  I would workout religiously but as I got older my body just did not respond to the lower food intake. 

It was as if the less I ate the fatter I got.

Something has clicked in me that is the result of 100’s of small moments which have developed into something bigger.  Like a river this all started with a single drop of water falling from the sky or melting from a mountain cap. 

Each little moment I have endured or asked for has been a step out of the abyss.  Every movement forward has been a shift towards the direction of the sunlight.  Every time I’ve been able to get through my “Break through Wednesday” has been a giant leap towards achieving success.

Every meal that I have which is about sustaining me and not an emotional band aid is a literal lifeline out of this trap.  I am finding remarkable changes in simple areas of my life.  My house is cleaner.  I am better groomed, and I actually get of bed in the morning and make my bed. 

These are small things which by themselves are insignificant, but as a whole are indicators of how are lives are going.  The more chaotic my living space and personal life is, the more dysfunctional I must be, in a busy life you always find time to make your living space more livable, but in a distracted or disrupted life you always tell yourself there’s never enough time, or I’ll do it tomorrow.  Further pushing yourself into a hole which you eventually don’t want to climb out of, or even pretend that you are in…

Finding myself moving out of this cavernous prison which I created for myself, is a great feeling, yet I know I’m just getting started.  It’s a struggle to stay near the light, the old was is far too familiar and too easy to say no.  With every workout, meal, or positive comment I get is another chance for me to move towards the light, and out of the abyss. 

 One day soon, I will wake up, having tasted the sunlight for such a time long forget what the cold and darkness felt like…

Daily Recap

Monday didn’t start off the way I had anticipated; it was more of the same mediocre performance from Friday morning’s session with Ali.  I woke up late and didn’t’ have a chance to really “wake up”, in fact I don’t think I was truly “alive” until halfway through our session.

We started with boxing; Ali had actually tried to do some weight lifting but when he looked at me he almost became sympathetic and said you need to get warmed up.  The boxing was pure misery, my punches had no snap, and I had no power, my legs just felt like mush. 

In fact the entire session felt uninspired, I just couldn’t find any reserve to muster anything that resembled power.  I almost felt as if my pituitary gland had taken the day off, or was in protest. 

 

Following this uninspired workout I knew I had to get my shit together to get a great cardio session in, it took all I had to generate enough mental fortitude to get on the Arc Trainer.  I started with only one goal in mind, start at an incline of 15, and resistance level of 35 then move up to resistance 100.  I wanted to make sure that each step would be 3 minutes long, and that I would maintain a rate of movement which kept the red level indicator lights on the machine just below the top of the screen. 

I don’t think I’ve pushed this hard on a machine since my last Treading Class with Sam.  In the final two segments I went 4 minutes at resistance 95, and 5 minutes at resistance 100.  Following 45 minutes on the Arc Trainer I got on a treadmill, to do some sprints.  I walked for 1 minute at 3 mph, and ran for 1 minute at 6 mph, I then walked for 30 seconds, and then ran at 7 mph for 30 seconds, walked again, and rain again for 30 seconds.   I did two more sprints at 7 mph, for 1 minute each.

So…on a scale of 1 to 10 my overall workouts ended up being a 6, one awful one and one great one.  If I had to rate my performance today I would say I split the doubleheader today.

 

 

 

 

06/26/2011 Official Weigh IN Bring it on Bitches

Discovering Self Efficacy

I like to listen to audio books as I walk my dog, I figure in any given day I may spend 1-2 hours a day walking him, so why not learn something in the process.  I tend to choose books that are either classics I never got to read, or have stories which I find interesting where perhaps I can learn something.  Presently I am listening to the book “Seal Team 6: Memoirs of an Elite Navy Seal Sniper” by Howard Wasdin.  This is a fantastic book, with some great detailed stories, and provides an in depth look at what it takes to be a Navy Seal, and the personal cost that these Elite Warriors pay to be one of the best at what they do. 

In the 5^th chapter Wasdin recalls his experiences during Basic Underwater Demolition School better known as BUDS, the part of the chapter that just hit a chord in me today was during his explanation of “Hell Week” which is the fourth week of BUDS, and is essentially 5 days and nights of constant sleep deprived training, they would have to run 2 miles to the chow hall and 2 miles back for the next evolution, that’s 6 miles a day of running just to get a meal.  Within “Hell Week”  seal wannabes may only get 4 hours of sleep the entire week, “Hell Week” is the part of BUDS where all the people who can’t physically hack it have been washed out, and the game becomes about mental fortitude and the burning desire to become a Navy Seal. 

During Wasdin’s “hell week”  a moment occurred where one of the instructors pulls him aside after several dozen men have already wrung the bell out to quit, and tries to woo him out of “hell week”.  Beaten, exhausted, and mentally worn out Wasdin recalls almost taking the instructor up on his offer just so he could sit in a warm ambulance and drink hot coffee.  He says it was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life to walk away from the immediate relief of the ambulence, just to go back to his cold wet boat crew.

It is at this point that Howard Wasdin introduces the concept of “Self-Efficacy”.  The definition of “self-efficacy” as described Albert Bandura from Stanford University below:

“…is defined as people's beliefs about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives. Self-efficacy beliefs determine how people feel, think, motivate themselves and behave.”

Wadin describes self-efficacy as belief in “the mission”.  He states even when it seems impossible the strength of belief is what makes it possible to succeed, the absence of belief is what guarantees failure.  It’s the strong belief in the mission which fuels our ability to focus, put forth effort, and persists, it allowed him to take the bigger goal and break it down into more manageable parts.  Essentially through the power of self-efficacy Wasdin found himself wanting to reach the gaol of being a Seal so bad that the short term discomfort coulnd’t outweigh the long term desire.  His mind broke down the rest of his time at BUDS one evaluation at a time, one moment at a time.

Self-efficacy comes from 4 places, again this is paraphrasing Albert Bandura from Stanford University. 

1-      Mastery experiences, those moments of achieving a high degree of success in a particular area where our success breeds our confidence, and belief in our abilities to accomplish something.

2-      Vicarious experience through social models, meaning that if we see people who are similar to us succeed in a given area then we find ourselves more determined to do the same for ourselves, “it can be done”, their success gives me the drive to succeed.

3-      Social Persuasion, through the verbal encouragement we mobilize greater efforts to master a given activity, this perceived self-efficacy leads us to try hard enough to succeed, so the drive actually develops the skill.

4-       Reliance on somatic and emotional states in judging our capabilities, so basically how we feel determines how good we are at something.  The better I feel the more likely I am to think I can accomplish an activity.

What’s the point you say?  If we can come up with a weight loss plan which utilizes these four sources of self-efficacy, how much faster would we reach our goals?  Let’s examine this idea.

1-      Master experiences – rather than just going to the gym to get on an elliptical, or treadmill for a 30 minutes or 60 minute workout, if I go with the thought of mastering a skill or reaching a goal how much more intense would my workout be?   For instance I have no desire to become a long distance runner, but I do plan on incorporating more sprints, and interval training is something I want to do.  The next time I have a cardio session I plan on having a set goal of working toward being able to do 5 sprints at 9 mph for a minute each with a minute of break in between.    

2-      Vicarious experience – my ability to interact with Dwayne, Kent, and others I’ve met at the Fitness Ridge has been fantastic.  Watching their success is a huge motivating for me to stay on track with my weight loss evolution.  Further I spend some evenings online looking for other bloggers like me who have reached their goal weight, and it can be inspiring in several ways. 

3-      Social persuasion – my use of social persuasion is at a huge financial cost.  I work with personal trainers, which allows me to have an outside party tell me I can do something when I think I can’t.  I can’t recall the number of times I feel like giving up, or that I can’t do something and I can.  When I did 10 push-ups last week for the first time in more than a decade it was my trainer who told me I could do it, I had to believe what he was telling me.  If I didn’t workout with trainers I would find a workout partner.  Our subconscious needs to hear that positive reinforcement from outside of our own minds to believe it sometimes.  It’s almost as if the subconscious doesn’t trust the conscious mind and that outside force doesn’t give our mind the choice, it just forces the “do”.

4-      The last part the physical and emotional state is probably the hardest source to tap, because many outside factors control how I feel, or should I say choose to respond to outside factors in way that will vary my mood.  It’s hard to tell yourself all the time the way I choose to respond is more important than what someone else says.  The physical state is something I can control through taking more time to rest, getting enough sleep and eating food which fuels me rather than wears me out.

I have no idea whether or not what I’ve described above correctly defines self-efficacy I’m not a psychologist, and I skipped psyche 101 in college so I can’t you how accurate I am, but I do know the general principle makes complete sense. 

If we can create a workable plan which incorporates the best of what we can do, and focuses on the ability to succeed as opposed to the possibility of failure I know we will find ourselves happier, and healthier.  Don’t let life determine your choices, see the end goal in mind, and know you have the ability to master your body composition, it’s been done by millions of people, but for each individual it has to start with a single moment of desire which we will build upon to self-actualize the end image we have of ourselves in mind. 

06/26/2011 Official Weigh In

295 lbs

32.7 % Body Fat

42.3 BMI

Holy shit I can’t believe that I’ve had two straight weeks of losing a big number.  I’m down another 6 pounds from last week.  It’s also the first bit of body fat change I’ve had in a couple of weeks, getting on the scale and seeing the number “2” at the start of my weight is something I thought I wouldn’t ever see again.

Here I stand in my glorious fat body, happy to have gotten this far, yet I am now fully focused on the 250 lbs mark.  The 250lbs marker is the next short term goal, this race horse has finally left the gates, I have to show a committed intensity every time I go to the gym.  I will not allow myself to fall backwards I’ve come too far, and made too many changes. 

I have started to incorporate more flavors back into my foods, using low calorie marinades, and incorporating more natural fats like small quantities of olive oil, cheese, and butter.  It’s most likely coincidence but the last two weeks where I have lost more than 5 lbs each week are the two weeks that I brought back a steady stream of healthy fats. 

This week was also the first official weigh in of the two weight loss contests that I am involved in, before I post the official weights, a brief commercial break.

 

Contestant	6/19/2011	6/26/2011
Dwayne	297	295	-0.67%
Kent	231	227	-1.73%
Louis	301	295	-1.99%
Sherri	169	168	-0.59%

I win!  Sherri and Dwayne you are up for elminination.

Followed by some more trash talking:

 

I have a good feeling about the rest of this week, but I think going into next week I may take a 5 day rest period starting with Saturday as day one.  We will see how I feel on Friday.

My workout plan this week:

	27		28		29		30	July	1
Ali PT 6 AM				7 Am Ian		7 AM Ian		Ali 6 AM
Mountain 7 AM		9 AM LIZ						7 AM Treading
				Ali 11:00 AM
				Yoga?

06/25/2011 Power of Change

The Power of Change

Part I The Change in Me

As great as my recent physical change has felt in my life through my personal evolution, the emotional change is the real prize.  I find my mind working at a pace that I haven’t felt for many years, I used to worry as a kid that my brain was working so fast that I was either crazy or on the verge of a hallucination.  The faster my body becomes lighter, the more rapidly my brain function feels unencumbered.  I’ve described it previously as a cloud; literally a haze has lifted from my thoughts. 

Gone are the feelings of inadequacy, or the roots of depression, I feel powerful in the every aspect of the word.  I am confident, I find myself saying hello to strangers while walking my dog all the time, and making eye contact with people who in the past I avoided.  There is a level of mental clarity which is hard for me to tangibly describe other than clear thinking. 

How much better is life when you can appreciate the sounds, smells, and feel the feelings which differentiate us from other animals?

Kind of looked like this guy all the time.

My temper is no where near as short as it had become, I am able to control those moments of extreme anger which in the past would have set me off into a wild tirade.  I know there are studies which make a connection between physical well being, and brain function, yet is there something deeper than that goes beyond just physical connections of hormones and synapses.  What part of the brain am I accessing today which is giving me this feeling of well being, it is giving a rebirth to my drive and determination.

When I wake up in the morning the feelings of utter dread, and lack of desire to face the world are gone. 

I have always been ambitious, sometimes unrealistically so, the present state of my business coupled with extremely poor health had basically beaten any ambitions out of me.  Today I sit here typing with feelings that anything is possible. 

I've just started the real work too in terms of my weight loss, how much better will I feel when I get to the start of the rest of my life at 185 lbs?

Part II Revelation from Daily Recap

Today was the first day in quite some time that I’ve spent time helping my staff on the frontlines cleaning cars.  I know it may not seem like it, but the job of a car wash manager is difficult, dynamic, and thankless.  I know because I spent the first 4 years of my business acting as one, so now having to fill those shoes again after a couple years of not being the manager is like becoming an officer in the military and then running out of enlisted men and going through boot camp again. 

I have a couple of people who I think I will hire in the next week, with a consultant friend of mine coming in the first week of July to provide training I have to pick one of the candidates that I’ve already interviewed.  The process has been far more tedious, but my new found energy has kept me on track in terms of not going for the easy, and looking for the best available.  I went ahead and scheduled the training because I have a handful of people I like and given enough time I will analyzes them to death and not hire anyone, so a drop dead deadline was necessary.

Again the job of a car wash manager is both mentally and physically taxing, like a restaurant manager, but the compensation typically is no where near as high as high volume restaurant managers.  I think this is why there is no national chain of car washes. 

In helping to process cars today I could not believe my level of stamina, I could just keep going, and maintain a high level of mental alertness.  In the past I would help for an hour and feel like I had just gone 5 rounds with Floyd Mayweather.  I spent 5-6 hours today helping the both of the sites and I still had ample reserves of energy at the end of the day.  In fact after the physical part of my day I felt better, even more energetic.

I posted yesterday about my short term future business plans.  After a day to marinate on it, I am taking this up as a real challenge.  The piece which has been missing in my business’ further development was me.  I have been a passenger, after years of burnout, mental exhaustion, emotional frustration and a lack of physical well being I had given up and was looking for something easier.  I don’t see myself doing this for ever, but in the immediate future I plan on shaping this business into something which I conceived almost 10 years ago.  The business is successful, but not in the way I want it to be, it’s run like a good mom and pop business, but not one that could be franchised or have more 3 units.   

I won’t bore you with further details, but my mind can’t stop thinking about the fact that in order for me to reach the goals that I have in my life that I have to grab this business by the tail and make it into the vision that I had in mind when I first set out on this professional path.  To sell now for a dollar amount which would provide a good ROI, is not enough, I need the emotional ROI, the one that tells me that I can set forth a specific goal of not a dollar value, or revenue, or any other mathematical matrices that I can conjure up, but about creating and delivering a vision. 

If I can’t create a vision with what I have at hand, then how will I ever create a manifest anything on a larger scale?  My heart might not be in the particular type of work I am doing, but it is deeply in the overall scope of making sure I finished what I started.  I know I have greater business ideas, and business plans but to take the next 12-18 months to implement the change for the future which will help manifest the vision of the business that I set forth with, that I can’t put a price tag or value on.

It would also allow me to achieve a goal in my life which I set forth in my 20’s, which was to help leave a lasting legacy of the 30+ years that my parents have spent toiling in this country.  They ate shit, they sacrificed their bodies, they gave up their lives, to make sure me and my siblings had the true American Experience.  We never wanted for anything, and never missed anything because we couldn’t afford it, they always found a way. 

Many future generations of my family will exist, all stemming from the roots created by my parents, one day these bastards won’t even know the names of the people that brought about their existence or created their financial security, by helping to keep a legacy in place at least for the next few generations they will know of the story of a couple who didn’t’ speak the language who went from working their first jobs in textile factories, to driving Mercedes, and then leaving a foothold in this country which has helped multiple generations of their lineage a large step up in life. 

I know that to achieve anything less than excellence for me and my family is tantamount to failure. 

The inertia which existed in my body weight translated to an inert life.  I was in the same place day after day not making progress.  Each week of progress is showing me that regardless of how immoveable something may appear to be, a small step forward is like the initial push of a big boulder.  It may rock back and forth as you try and crate enough leverage to make it move, then eventually you get it closer and closer to the top of a hill where one big push is all it takes for the boulder to roll down the hill. 

I am such a dope; some lessons in my life take forever for my subconscious to accept.  These are lessons I should have taken to heart many years ago, and many of the epiphanies I am having along the way are more like forgotten memories than they are new revelations. 

Change is powerful, because I am powerful. 

06/25/2011 Amateur Trainer or Amateur Trainee

Amateur Trainer or Amateur Trainee

I had some time this evening, and didn’t have anything planned so I took it upon myself to give a "fitness hand" to the kid that works for me who I wanted to choke out a few weeks back.  He’s a good kid, just doesn’t’ t know much about anything, I don’t blame him because he comes from a situation where I don’t think he was exposed to much, and he tries to overcompensate his feelings of inadequacies by talking too much.  He’s one of those kids that can’t appreciate silence, in the movie Crimson Tide, Gene Hackman tells Denzel Washington "Good Job Hunter..." and goes into a diatribe about egg heads who would have fucked up the view, this kid would have just fucked up the view.

He is also a major hypochondriac, he has been in the ER more times in the last year than my two parents who are in their 70’s have in the last 5 years combined.  I started talking to him before I left for Malibu in March that he should focus on getting his health better.  He drinks cokes all day, smokes too much, and eats crap.  What’s so funny is that his constant need to talk will actually prevent him from eating sometimes, I recall one time I went to check on the wash that he works at, and he was so eager to talk to me that his lunch which he was about to eat went cold, so he threw it out.  No he didn’t buy anything else to eat, I've never met a mouth prevent itself from feeding itself.

The other guys he works with at that location workout 3-4 times a week, and are in good shape.  He really wants to get stronger, and build his confidence from the inside out.  I know what he makes, which is not enough to afford at trainer, and I am generous but not that fucking nice.  So I decided I would workout with him this evening and teach him technique on a few basic exercises, and then put him through a shorten Metcon workout. 

If you have ever seen a chicken try and dance that would describe this guy.  His body is so tight everywhere that he can’t relax enough to keep his chest up and back straight, he stays hunched over, I ended up spending more than 90 minutes a good chunk of trying to get him into the right position.

Every time he wanted to start talking about high school wrestling, or relate something to me or the situation I told him to shut up, and keep working.  The funny thing was in this context he just did it...

I taught him how to do a dumbbell chest press, a standing bent over row, a body weight squat, lunges, burpees, mountain climbers, dumbbell curls, and a couple of stretches.

During the Metcon which invovled 1 minute each of the following push-ups, pull-ups, squats, burpees, push presses.  I gave him 1:30 rest in the middle of the Metcon at which point he said to me that I’ve told him I’m not a "rah, rah" type of guy so don’t expect it.  He said that I was, and didn’t realize it.  I can push and motivate this kid in the context of athletics, but why can’t I apply that to him in business.

It made me realize first that I need to hire the best all the time, and with my rediscovered mental fortitude, the best people who are coach able, and have the mindset to learn.  Then I am going to motivate rather than break balls.  I'm going to change this business like I am changing myself, and turn it into either the most well oiled car wash in the US, and keep it long term or position to sell it as the best car wash in the US. 

This is a challenge I will take on, and thanks to 90 minutes with this kid, I've realized that like the way I felt about my body, the way I feel about my business is the same thing.  I will change it from the inside out and make it something that generates great financial freedom, or a cash cow that I can cash in at the cage like stacks of $100,000 Belagio Chips. 

Ultimately if I’m not happy with this business I don’t think I could be happy in any business, because it’s what I make of it.  I am still a business owner who makes his time and schedule not the “man”.  I realize today a great deal of my unhappiness with the business was a direct result of my health and lack of positive personal development.  Regardless of what I do in a year today, I am going to do the effort to take this mature business the next 10-15% growth curve where every business goes from being good to great.  I plan on doing everything in my life great.  I will start with this business.

Daily Recap

After a week of great workouts, I capped it out with an uninspired morning.  The night before I had a guest over, who kept me up longer than I anticipated, and as an added bonus I had to drive this guest to the airport at 5 AM.  Needless to say I got 5 hours of sleep which apparently after the age of 25 no longer recharges you enough to make yourself functional.  Waking up I felt like I had been out at a fraternity party all night, doing keg stands, and bong hits while trying to watch the movie Friday spending the entire night pretending to be Chris Tucker, playing Mario Cart endlessly for hours, and trying to devise a way to bake a cake only using my mind, a spoon, and a bowl…not that I’ve ever done that before…or ever seen that happen…

When I got to the gym I wanted to go back home and go back to bed, from the start of the session I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do a back to back.  This wasn’t just a case of the “I don’t want to work blues”, I actually felt for the first time if I push myself as hard as I normally do I will hurt myself.  I think the only fortunate outcome of the circumstances that lead up to my session with Ali was that he had a person in the time slot an hour behind my original one, so I didn’t start working out with him until two hours after my original time, which meant when I was done I had to go work.  Otherwise I’m pretty sure I would have tried to run on the treadmill today, precisely because of how bad I was feeling.

Ali had me warm up on the treadmill doing cart pushers, and boxing.  The initial round of boxing with Ali defined the term uninspiring, I couldn’t get a good snap into my punches, and my hand speed was nonexistent.  Amidst the mediocre boxing I found a way to get a good combination of punches probably once every 3^rd or 4^th punch.

After the warm-up Ali had me start with some back work doing upright rows using a barbell, and doing squat to upright rows.  Each exercise was done for a minute at a time, and done for two sets.  We then moved into some chest presses with dumbbells.  While lying on a stability ball I warmed up my chest doing presses with 40 lbs dumbbells, and then moving to 50 lbs dumbbells.  He would have me alternate between regular chest presses and negative resistance presses. 

 

 It was a struggle to get through the next 40 minutes of the session, not because he wasn’t keeping it interesting but I physically didn’t have it, or more importantly I allowed my mind to give up and I was mentally not prepared. 

 

With the remaining time we were able to work in more boxing and focused a great deal of attention on biceps, triceps, and shoulders.   I didn’t rest between sets for very long, in fact I was only concered about keeping my body moving. 

When we finished I went home had breakfast, and then went to work.  50% of me felt awesome that I was able to gut out a workout, whiel the other 50% of me was pissed that I didn’t do the treading session afterwards.

I guess I am learning a bit of moderation, yet I hope it’s a not case of back sliding.

My eating went well today, it was one of only a dozen days were I have actually eaten everything that I had planned from the day before.  In terms of sticking to a diet plan, it couldn’t get much better than this…

 

Top Five Things I Want to Do When I reach 300 lbs

5 - Run 100 Yards without stopping

4 - Buy a new pair of pants.

3 - Get a therapeutic massage (non happy ending massages), because I am now clear to lie on a massage table. 

2- Buy a new pair of shoes, that are actually my size.

1- Go eat at a restaurant that only has booths and not be scared that my gut my hang over the table.