Started my morning off with a feeling of ass, started to look for a cold remedy, and found that most over the counter syrups contain sucralose, so I bought some Nyquil and Dayquil gel caps.
While sitting in the bitch chair yesterday, aka the Managers seat at one of my locations, I was reflecting on my weekend workouts. Saturday we did a 15 minute AMRAP, which I did as prescribed. It was 9 dead lifts at 155 lbs, 12 hand release push-ups, and 15 box jumps at 24”. It was one of those days where when I finished I felt fucking awesome because I had “A” done the worked as prescribed, and “B” performed on a level which was right at the middle of the pack for Rx’ed work.
Then Sunday mornings WoD took a brother suffering from WoD and knocked him the fuck out. It involved pull-ups which I suck at, sit-ups which I am ok with, and double unders which I have no rhythm for, so doing double the number of running men is a blow to the fragile CrossFit ego.
Oh I desperately want to be able to pull-up my fat body without assistance. Towards the end of the WoD I felt as uncoordinated as a baby hippo trying to fuck a donkey. I don’t know why a hippo would want to fuck a donkey, but if one did it would look like my trying to do 12 pull-ups with two bands during the fifth round of a WoD.
Deliberate practice…I am choosing to work on the areas I am weakest, and attempting to improve my performance, and measure my work through measurable units.
Being the neurotic Asian that I am, I’ve charted my performance in the power lifts and Olympic lifts. Because some of the movements are done in non-consecutive weeks I condensed the data into three periods of time. I’ve charted my maximum weight per session, as often times caution has me start at the same lower weights during each session.
In terms of improvement, most of my lifts have improved, as have my metcons. I am not down the “weight” that I want, but I feel stronger, so I got that going for me.
I’m done, my brain isn’t quite functional, sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse, what I do have to do is get better so I can take my title on Saturday…check please!
This message thread is just a snippet of what information is out there about the right ways to lose or gain weight, it should give those who have never struggle with their weight how frustrating it can be in terms of filtering the information that is out there, further I am comparing myself to a 33 year old 5'4" woman, who I'm sure could OHS more than me. If you don't know what an OHS it's better for me that you don't know.
it is a common statement, and when applied to every aspect of training, will yield more results than any piece of equipment, any fad-diet, or what you would get by following anyone elses training program.
having a goal is the first part. it is easy to understand that a goal functions as the "why?" it is why we eat a certain way. why we get up early. why we go to sleep at 10 pm instead of going out. but once you have a solid and specific goal it will also shape the "how"...
what is required of your goal? what skills? what weight is ideal? how strong do you have to be? how fast? how much power? how much endurance? what movements drive this task? what are the common injuries you need to avoid?
these are not hypothetical questions. make a fucking list. do research. add to it often.
now: self assessment. the goal is outlined, time to find the starting point....
if you can, have someone help you here. someone who is not afraid of telling you the hard and ugly truth. do this without ego. lies at this stage are hurting only yourself. this must be ruthless. it should be humbling. the task is deceptively simple: where are you in relation to the goals?
timeline. triage. how long will this take? what goals can you train at the same time? what other factors are involved? what are you willing to take on? what are you willing to give up? what kind of diet/recovery/work/travel schedule will be required? how much are you willing to spend?
be honest. be thorough. ask questions and the path will begin to form.
what root goals are other goals based on? what steps are most important? what goals can be worked on in parallel? what problems can be solved in the gym? what corrections yield the greatest benefit? what psychological factors will play a role? what pitfalls am i headed for and how am i going to deal with them? who has been there before and how can i learn from them?
do work, and do it for a fucking reason.
explosion from a fatigued/compromised state
grind down, build up the acidity, learn to hang on and explode from it. fighters can immediately see the use of a skill like this. train the ability here so you can focus on the timing during your fight training.
CV recovery under a load.
initiate panic breathing - rack as much weight as you can handle and hang on. learn to control it. to contain it. and to recover under the load.
30' of 3" rope. 30# of chain. sprint the rope straight, pull it (and the chain) to you hand over hand (use your hips) repeat 4 times. rest while your partner does the same. repeat.
grip. hip/hand coordination and engagement. CV power. muscular efficiency and short term recovery practice.
mid-section stability. shoulder flexibility and control.
here we build the tools.
send a message. tell your body what you want it to be able to do. tell it clearly and tell it often. recover well. work smart. don't quit.
Today was a rest day from workouts and from work, so no physical activity other than a great massage from Ingrid. I did a 90-minute session, and I felt like I had been in a car accident after she was done, you could say I like being manhandled by a woman…
I spent another day doing errands, and cooking food for the upcoming week. If you looked into my fridge it would appear that I am keeping a circus animal as a pet, lots of meat, and green veggies. As the months pass, my shopping habits continue to evolve and change, the more often I go to the grocery store, it seems the less I buy shit in boxes or pre-packed bags.
In the bad old days I think I spent most of the time in a supermarket in the center aisles, buying packed products like cereal, noodle, pasta, and rice packs, bottled sauces, enough ketchup to fill a bathtub, and my favorite breads and bread mixes.
Can a brother get some cornbread?
I would come back home with a $200 whole foods bill put stuff away, and realize I didn’t have a whole lot to eat. There was a moment about 8 months ago where during my fourth or fifth trip to Whole Foods after my visit to fat camp where I placed my shopping cart aside, went to grab some vegetables and then couldn’t find my cart.
I was standing right next to it; I didn’t recognize my own shopping cart. I’m sure a result of years of poor habits, and conditioned behavior. This has happened one other time, and at this point I’m used to seeing only things that were alive at one point.
Today my time at the supermarket is mostly spent on the borders where all the real food is placed.
Clearly my ideas about food have changed, and as I continue my evolution, I find that food doesn’t move me in the same way. I guess what I mean is, I don’t act impulsively when it comes to eating. It’s a lot easier to make decisions about what I eat before I eat them.
In the past I would have the urge to eat, and if something came my way I would attack it like I’m Godzilla, and the food was Tokyo, only to realize 20 minutes later I had punished all of Japan with the rumblings of heartburn beginning, it would literally take discomfort in my stomach or throat for me to stop eating, and I would come out of what can only be described as a trance like state.
I always felt hungry. Uncontrollable hunger.
While going through this weight loss process after fat camp, I was less hungry, but still had a compulsion to eat. The change in my diet, and the addition of lots of vegetables and fruit made it easier to not crave the refined carbs.
But this new intake required me to snack frequently, and sometimes no matter what I did the eating seemed to fuel the hunger. I couldn’t get satiated.
The interesting thing that has occurred during the 5 week Paleo Challenge is that, I’ve basically stopped snacking, well not entirely. Whereas before my snacking was a direct result of a schedule which was designed to help carry me through in between meals, my snacking now is really about satisfying hunger because I have physically hungry, or I know my energy void is a result of not eating enough.
I have found myself in several situations where at the end of the day I was eating less than I had been with the old way of eating, because I just wasn’t hungry. On days that I workout I monitor my food more closely, so I don’t end up in the up starvation zone, during days like today (rest days) I choose to try and live based on my bodies natural drive to eat.
Because I’m not eating fast digesting carbs, I’m not in a food fucking purgatory, where you continue to eat, get hungry, and eat again, get hungry, and eat again until you fucking explode. My old way of eating was like one long 33 year version of Groundhog Day, where every morning Ned, would stop me in the street and say “Phil? Phil Connors?”
Today I eat, stay satisfied, and after hours my body says feed me, and I find something to eat, even when I do get hungry the hunger isn’t as intense. It’s not as voracious of a desire. It’s what I think could be described as normal physical response to the need of energy.
When I started the Paleo Challenge I still had to eat frequent snacks, almost one month into it, I snack when I need to, and I eat when hungry.
Let’s see what happens over time, but I think my body has turned in a direction which is burning fat, and not sugar.
Check out this link…
It’s an interesting article on 6 food myths, I’m not surprised after reading Omnivores Dilemma that this stuff exists.
I have a great deal of desires this coming year, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve started a year with even a morsel of hope about the upcoming year. During the previous 8 years I really didn’t know the difference from year to year, to be perfectly honest I didn’t care.
Can you imagine someone in his 20’s not caring about his life passing by him?
I now find myself trying to find a way to live.
There is a world of difference between the basic definitions of “live”, mostly some derivation of sustaining oneself, and the act of living. I guess ultimately what I am differentiating is a life spent just passing through the days and hours versus one which is filled with rich experiences. It’s this desire to find and live these “rich experiences” which has begun to brew in me, and is pushing me to do more with my life, and to change how I approach my life.
I no longer want to live a life of “comfort”, “habit”, and “routine”. All of which are not invaluable to me but, are words that when define how you live means that instead of finding ways to live your life, you are actually just waiting to die. I think there is a part of me that has been waiting to die since I was 16 years old, the normal teen angst taken to an extreme, then burnt into the heart of a disgruntled never-been writer.
I look at the 10 years of my life, and don’t find much that I am proud to have done, and see most of it as lost time, personally, professionally, and most important spiritually. When I talk about spirituality I talk more about the core feelings, and experiences that make us human, I see so often in religion these ideas about morality, and bettering the religion but no talk on how to feed the human soul without just having “faith”, there are many ways to nourish the soul that don’t involve praying in church, or making an homage to a historical place.
There once was a boy who aspired too many great things, and had a burning desire to make an impact in his world, this boy eventually became an angry fucking miserable obese man. The angry obese miserable fucking man started to lose some weight and became less angry, but still fucking miserable, he is today working towards not being angry, and joyful about his life, and may one day find the spirit of the boy who aspired to great things, and a desire to change the world for the better. Who knows if the angry guy can do it, but the boy for sure is trying to break out.
Words like "hope", "happiness", "joy", "pride", and "confidence" have all but been foreign to me for quite a long time, and I find myself struggling to fathom what my world would look like with some of these emotions in my life.
Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another. –Ernest Hemingway
Recap 01/02/2012
Started my New Year with a 6am WoD at Patriot Crossfit. Today’s work involved doing overhead squats, even with all the Olympic lifting the last month today is actually only the second time I’ve done Overhead Squats with more than 95 lbs.
The worksets were to do two sets of 3 then three sets of 2 and three sets of 1. Due to the small size this morning it was almost like a private group session. I did my sets of 3 at 115 lbs, my sets of 2 at 135 lbs, and my sets of 1 at 155 lbs. I know for a fact I could have gone heavier, but at 155 lbs I felt a bit uneasy with the bar over my head.
Video from 1 set at 115 lbs, and 1 set at 135 lbs.
The Metcon today was a 21-15-9 of kettle bell swings, and burpees. Did I ever mention that I…
FUCKING HATE BURPEES!!
Any movement that requires me to move my own bodyweight makes me miserable it’s probably why I hate running so much.
I finished the workout in 5:20 RX meaning I did as prescribed. I’m happy that I did it Rx but not satisfied with my time.
Right after the warm-up I started to feel light headed, and then my chest started fluttering, I was starting to get a chill even though the gym was like an oven. I realized that my blood sugar was probably falling well below hypoglycemic levels, the day before I hadn’t eaten much because my stomach was still fucked form New Years Eve.
I had to slug 3 containers of Coconut Water which each has 15 grams of sugar. After the third one I started to feel better. I think it’s another reason why I didn’t go heavier on the overhead squats, it further caused me to start the Metcon cold, and I didn’t actually feel warmth in my body until the second round of work.
I so desperately want to get off of my medication, having fat man diabetes aka Type 2 sucks. My present physical changes, make it a constant pain in my ass because the medication starts to become too effective, so I have to change it regularly.
To add to my goals of 2012 I want to get off of the Fat Man Diabetes Medication.
In the past two days I have beat the crap out of my body, not by design it just sort of happened. Tuesday morning I woke up to rain. Rain for me is like kryptonite it ruins my day, as it affects my business. Having a crappy start to our busy season because we don’t have snow, I felt self-numbing medication through exercise would be a good way to go.
Tuesday 6:30 AM
I started with a 6:30 AM Crossfit WoD at PCF. The days work consisted of 3 sets of 5 hand stand push-ups, 4 sets of 2 muscle snatches, and a short 8 minute AMRAP of 10 db ground to overheads and 30 double unders.
Being inverted challenged, meaning I can’t quite get upside down yet, I did seated dumbbell presses. I used 45 lbs dumbbells for 3 sets of 2, and 50 lbs dumbbells for 3 sets of 2, which was all done in 6 minutes. I found with the 50 lbs dumbbells that I had to use my knees to get them into a racked position so I could press them.
With the muscle snatches, I did all of my muscle snatches at 95 lbs. Muscle snatches are tough because you have to use a less aggressive movement from your lower body, to get the bar overhead, instead of trying to get under the bar you are trying to flip it up. I think it’s a drill used to develop the speed to get under the bar and get it over your head.
During the 8 minute AMRAP I finished 6 rounds plus 17 reps, which means I did 10 more ground to overheads, and 7 running man jump ropes. Ground to overheads get exhausting quick, it uses so much of your body that there really is no way to rest or recover especially in an 8 minute time span.
When I finished, the rain started to come down, and I was getting bitter, so I walked to Washington Sports Club to do some Cardio. I was working to do an hour on the Arc Trainer, when half way through a Personal Trainer comes over to me and says hey, you have 5 sessions left that are going to expire, so I schedule a session with him the next day at 11 AM.
8:30 AM
As I continued on the Arc Trainer I started thinking I’m never going to use them all, why don’t I do another one today, so I got off the machine and decided to work with this guy so by the end of the day Wednesday I would have used 2 out of the 5 I have left.
I started my session with Abdul doing a short circuit of 90 seconds each of mountain climbers, pushing a 45 lbs plate on the floor of the cardio room, and ropes. He had me do 3 rounds of the above three exercises.
While doing them, I found myself first questioning what I was doing, especially the pushing of the plate on the ground, that shit I don’t get at all, but what I found interesting was that none of it felt difficult. Having done many of these same exercises earlier in the year, and feeling like I was getting my ass kicked, it felt good doing these same movements without feeling tired.
From the circuit work, I asked him to work on doing a core-oriented workout. I found myself doing planks, doing a transition from elbow planks to push-up planks; I did a series of crunches and sit-ups with medicine balls. The trainer got a bit agitated with the medicine balls because he could tell I wasn’t being challenged, the heaviest medicine ball they have at WSC is 15 lbs, and while doing sit-ups while holding the medicine ball over my head and then fully extending myself I think he expected this to be more difficult for me, so when we moved onto the second round of work he grabbed a 25 lbs plate and had me do the same thing, I think if he wasn’t such a pussy he would have grabbed a 35 lbs plate in the final round.
When I finished the session, I felt good, and was satisfied with myself in the progress I’ve made in the last three months. I was for sure starting to feel tired.
8:00 PM
After a relatively unproductive day in my Private Bat Cave office, I went home to recover a bit, and prepare for an 8:00 PM intro to yoga class. Clarendon Fitness, a small personal training studio was offering a free yoga class, so I signed myself, and my girl up for the class.
The room where the yoga was being done was tiny, and with 10 people in it, there wasn’t much room to extend your arms out the sides. I found the yoga interesting, and can see the value in it over the large arc of my life.
Unfortunately I am a pervert, and found the yoga instructor very sexy, and with my girlfriend next to me couldn’t get the idea of the instructor, my girlfriend, and me in an extra private session in my place after class…if I can stop my brain from sexualizing the yoga instructor I think I will add it to my routine, by the way with the start of the New Year I would like to thank God for all of the brave men and women who are in our Armed Services, Salt Truck Drivers, and the inventor of Lululemon yoga pants for making the world a better place.
My personal victory here was, when we started to do planks, and then side planks. A few months ago I could barely do a side plank with one knee on the ground, and this time I did them all the way up, and then extending my arm upward towards the ceiling once in the plank.
Wednesday 7:00 AM
I woke up at 6:15, already late for my usual 6:00 Am WoD at Patriot Crossfit, so I decided I would just go to the 7:00 AM WoD. I was greeted with a nice ribbing from Matt R. about defecting to the 7:00 AM, I told him I was trying to sneak in, and he told me I’m a hard guy to miss, I should have responded with something about the “Jerk Store”, but didn’t have a come back because really, I’m an overweight Asian Guy wearing a black Lululemon skull cap, a big reddish-pink sweatshirt that says “Life is Good”, and a pair of Brooks Pure Ugly Neon Green Shoes, I would find myself sticking out in a Sumo Convention, let alone being 1 of a few token Asians in the AM WoDs.
The workout was good; it’s been a few days since I worked on some cleans. The power clean was something that I worked on with Liz a couple weeks back so I feel I’m making progress in my technique. We were supposed to do 5 sets of 3, and I did 3 sets at 135 lbs, and 2 sets at 155 lbs, which was a first for me. Watch video below of my third set of 135 lbs.
I’m still having a bit of trouble with my elbows in the racked position, and as the weight got heavier, I am driving my hips a bit too far forward, causing me to look like I’m pushing my fupa outward.
The metcon today was 5 rounds of 5 clapping push-ups, 10 ring rows, and 15 wall balls. I was surprised at my ability to do about a third of my total push-ups, from a regular push up position, and then the remaining from my knees I did the clapping push-ups. The hardest part of this WoD was the wall balls.
Wall balls suck, especially when a part of the WoD works one of the areas of the wall balls, in this case the push-ups caused a great deal of fatigue in my chest, so trying to push the medicine ball upward was a challenge, and really had to start with your hips and legs. Wall balls are also a huge mental fuck, because every time you miss, it’s discouraging, and if you cheat and don’t hit the target and count it, you feel like shit anyway, yet towards the end you get so tired you start to tell yourself anything upward is okay.
I finished this WoD in 10:42, not a great time, but considering all the other work I had done before this day I felt good.
Video below:
11:00 AM
So I got to Washington Sports Club at about 10:50, I rowed 500 meters to get warmed up, and then was ready to work with Abdul the trainer. He’s an ok trainer, but clearly a bit inexperienced, not good at thinking on the fly, and I hate to sound like a douche but when he got in close he smelled like hummus, it was distracting.
He had me start with a circuit of four exercises which included a shuttle run between four cones, a ladder exercise, high knees over low hurdles, and step ups on a low box. Each station was given a time period of 1 minute to 2 minutes with a 60 second rest at the end of each round. The first round of work I was still warming up, during the second I could feel a bit of my second wind developing, by the third round of work I was warmed up and had broken into a sweat.
What I found personally inspiring for myself, (yes I did just say I inspired myself) was that I was doing these exercises after 5 previous workouts in a 48 hour period far better than I had four months ago, if it had just been one of my weekly workouts. The level of control I have over my body, and just general focus I have to will my body to move is building my confidence. In terms of a mental challenge this was a walk in the park, the real challenge was focusing my exhausted mind into a place to work hard.
After the agility work, I boxed. Abdul sucks at holding mitts, in fact it sucked so bad that I asked him to just put up a heavy bag. I really want to find a trainer who I can hit mitts with because I like to do it, and I would like to find out how much stronger my punches are relative to four months ago.
The final part of the workout involved more abdominal work, and we did a couple variations of sit-ups, including one were you keep one leg straight and the other bent. The final exercise was to sit a decline sit-up chair while holding a 15 lbs kettle bell with one arm extended as I tried to do sit ups. I was surprised to find that I could do about 8 full sit-ups per arm.
1:00 PM
Ingrid the god send. Alison recommended to me a great massage therapist who is actually from Sweden. It was exactly what I need, she kept saying to me “you are really tight here”, she said this at least 6-7 times during the one hour of work. It was a nice day to end my two days of increased work.
Summary
Various people who are trying to lose weight have been asking me how I got to where I am, and I often tell them focus on making incremental progress, that they need to focus on the moment, that they win in the moment. The difference between obesity and health is not some extreme 80% calorie reduction, even if your goal is to go from eating 10,000 calories in a day to 3,000, you can’t do it in a week. You have to make incremental progress and you do this in each moment of your day, making the choice to drink water over a diet soda, or an apple instead of Doritos, or a fish fillet over pasta.
I have understood the benefits of Crossfit, and also understood it’s limitations, yet this last couple of days has shown me in an exponential way what happens when you take small steps forward in your physical development. Over the larger arc you make significant progress. It’s the simple principle of improving 1% each time you go to the gym, if you can do this over your lifetime you will have achieved growth that is hard to quantify because of the percentage growth that you achieve.
The last couple of days has shown me the exponential result after being frustrated for months, I am in a place of physical strength that I didn’t think I would achieve for many more months, perhaps because I was too focused on body weight. Standing where I am today I wouldn’t go back and do anything differently, as much as I would like to be below 200 lbs and a 32 waist today, I’m pretty content with how I feel today at 270 lbs and a 40 waist, I know the other part is coming perhaps not at the rate I want it to, but when I get there I know I will be in better shape haven chosen this path, as opposed to the one I was on…
When I started to choose Crossfit a few months back as my primary place to workout, I could barely get a 53 lbs kettle bell above my head to do an American Kettle bell Swing. In all of out WoDs I choose to work with the 70 lbs kettle bell, and today when we did the Russian Kettle bell swing, I spent some time after the Metcon to try and play around with it.
I found myself capable of swinging the bell and doing some of the maneuvers that Michael C taught me including, clapping my hands, and touching my shoulders. I tried to flip it, but could not get my hands back on it fast enough, each time I would reach for it too late and have to dump it. In either case this 10 minutes of playing around showed me truly how far I have come, because I could not have imagined even trying to swing the 70 lbs kettle bell back Malibu, which was only in April.
Incremental progress over time yields significant results. Wining moment to moment is how you overcome your personal Mount Everest.
Ian pointed something out to me a couple of weeks ago, which has helped to move the scale, and make me feel better. He cautioned his statements, by making it clear to me that it’s possible the scale will temporarily head in the other direction. It has moved upward a couple of pounds yet it’s nothing that would cause concern or make my head want to implode.
During this same conversation he told me it was necessary for me to approach my nutrition the same way I approach my workouts. An idea that was planted two weeks ago, and is now only starting to sink in, my melon like cranium is clearly of a thicker gauge of bone, and my ear canal apparently deflects sound in a manner that causes thoughts to dissipate before reaching my cortex.
I broke up with food not too long ago (click here for that post), it was an end to using food as a means to satisfy or pacify my emotional swings. Which is why today I feel strange as a newly food neutral guy, trying to redefine what food means to me, and reshaping my habits and approach to how I eat in general.
For most people who don’t have issues with weight, or body composition this notion of trying to figure out portion control, or volume of food one should could consume, it’s innate for most people, but for the unfortunate minority (which is unfortunately becoming a majority) the dynamic between food, body, and mind is impossible to resolve.
For the most part I have been eating a Paleo Diet since October, with my lunch and dinner delivered via Catalyst Meals to PCF. I read Robb Wolfs book and found it informative, and the book is the main reason I decided to head into the Paleo lifestyle. On the rare occasion I’ve had a taste of bread, or rice (give me a break I’m Asian), or any refined sugars. In each circumstance it’s always been an Amuse-bouche size morsel of food, a good deal of the time it was eaten in order to recall if it was as good as I my memory holds it.
I do have to say of all the things that I no longer choose to eat that ice cream is the heroine that could take this guy back on the road to Sumo. Fortunately ice cream isn’t an acceptable form of daily substance, or I might be on a plane to Japan to start my new life as the American Yokozuna.
What’s the point of all of this rambling you ask?
Starting yesterday I have really started to look for reputable resources on nutrition. I will continue to eat the Paleo Diet, but I want to learn more about how food affects the body, and how different types of consumption during specific times can change, increase, or hinder my weight loss.
As this is not a fucking journey…I hate this idea and I think it should be abolished from the English language when referencing weight loss, or body transformation. It’s the kind of touchy feely shit that keeps people in their comfort zones, and ultimately puts them back on the “Journey” to being fat again.
This is not a fucking journey, if it was it would end. If your ultimate goal is to lose weight, then go back to your life of eating shit, not sleeping, not working out, then please stay on your journey.
I’m involved in a personal evolution. This is as Darwinian as you can get, creationist eat my stinky poop after I’ve eaten a dozen hardboiled eggs, evolution is real, and it is happening before my own eyes. I have no choice but to evolve the way I live my life, and who I am as a person, otherwise this adaptation to poor health is going to last.
Back from my angry tirade, the point of today is I need to learn more about nutrition, and understand what I need to put into my mouth in order to maintain the present arc of work, and make progress towards my long term goals.
I am going to pursue the nutritional aspects of my evolution like I do the workouts, this the AMRAP of my life, so I have to treat it as such.
End boring rant here…
Random Shit
Summer 2013 I will summit this bitch.
http://www.climbalaska.org/mtc-denali-prep.html
June 1 - 10 2012 anyone want to go with me?
http://www.gymjones.com/knowledge/article/25/
I want to work up to being able to handle these workouts.
Article on attitude, here's a snipet:
"A bad attitude or unsettled mind destroys focus but our definition of a bad attitude doesn't necessarily bear semblance to general usage of the term. Rage, despair, insecurity and a host of other psychological issues can drive an athlete to work harder. The bad attitude is the one that prevents the athlete from realizing his or her desires, or the state of mind that an individual refuses to accept.
A "good" attitude allows and spurs the athlete to conceive and achieve a goal. Such a psychological state does not have to be positive or balanced; personal torment has inspired great efforts. Confusion and questioning, anger and doubt may be fountains of creativity and initiative. What an individual finds dissatisfactory about him or herself is often the bridge to something greater. When combined with the self-discipline required to maintain momentum any motivating state of mind can produce an astounding work of art and action."
12/07/2011 Do I really hate myself or am I just plain stupid?
In repeating the same behavior over and over then being surprised by the same outcome means that I'm slow, the bus I need to ride to school is getting shorter as the days continue. I woke up this morning feeling groggy, a little less motivated to go to CrossFit than I normally am, it felt like day 40 after Fat Camp, not just tired but emotionally spent. The kind of day where you realize staying in bed at 5 AM is far more natural then waking up, and putting your body under duress.
It was a day that started in way which I knew was directly connected to what I had done the previous morning, like a bad night out with friends, and waking up to what you thought the night before was a hot latina who looked like Jessica Alba’s twin sister, to only realize that you ended up with her friend who is a dead ringer for Rosie O’donnel, laugh and all.
Yesterday when I finished my CrossFit WoD I told myself let’s just go home, but I had a real itch to play around with the kettle bells, I haven't done much with them since May or June. I actually like trying to flip them, and do other crazy shit that Michael C taught me in Malibu. I thought of it as an opportunity to “play”, yet what started as play time turned into working into a burnt stupor.
The metcon for yesterday was 3 rounds of a rowing 500 meters, the goal being to complete each 500 meters as fast possible, while maintaining consistent split times. When I read the WoD the night before I thought to myself what is this bullshit?
It turns out doing three 500 meter sprints is hard, a lot harder than I realized. You add the fact that when Ericka said take as much rest as you need between each 500 meters, I took it as “prove how much you don’t like yourself by taking 5 breathes between the first and second”.
The last 100 meters of each sprint was like rowing in a square boat through sand. Needless to say after the third round of work, my cardiovascular system was taxed.
Somewhere during my rest period before the third round, I decided I would not just play with the kettle bells but do some rowing in between, I figured I already rowed 1500 meters might as well try and achieve 5000 meters.
I started by rowing 2000 meters, I stayed at a pace of 2:10 per 500 meters. This was about 30 seconds slower than my sprints, a good even pace. I then moved to the kettle bells and worked on variations of the Russian Swing which involved flips, clapping between swings, and general meathead shenanigans. It was fun to swing the kettle bell without fear of damaging the floor if I dropped them.
40 minutes later I rowed 3500 meters total on top of the 1500 during the metcon, and I had swung the kettle bell around 300 times. I think there is a deeper feeling of discontent about myself, which drives me to do this extra work even in the face of exhaustion. Self loathing has a new name, and it’s Louis…Louis Kim.
It is then by no means a surprise that when I woke up this morning, I felt like the hair coming out of a pimple on someone’s ass. The entire first half o the class, I just couldn’t get loose. I was sore, groggy, and disconnected.
While doing my warm up of snatch balances I dumped the bar forward, and ended up dropping the bar on the rack, which caused the bar to jump backwards toward my shins, rupturing my cut from the box jump folly. It was healing nicely until this morning.
The picture below is:
A picture of the original cut.
A picture of what stupid people do to themselves.
The reason a separate drawer in the Patriot First Aid Box should have my name on it.
A picture of what my cut looks like after the bar hit my shin today.
I struggled to get underneath the bar during the snatch balances. I did however wake up enough to do my four work sets of 2 at 135 lbs, which is a personal record on the snatch balance.
This did however mean that when I started my snatches, I had very little gas left in the tank I made 5 attempts at 135 lbs, I am 100% sure I can do 135 lbs as a snatch, but today was not the day. When I went down to 95 lbs, I had just as much trouble. I was starting to question my decision to the extra work the day before; clearly the extra work was affecting my strength.
It wasn’t until the metcon that I realized I need to cycle the extra cardio work. Today’s metcon was short a 5 minute AMRAP, 3 pull-ups, 6 burpees, and 9 kettle bell swings. This type of work is in my wheel house, I like to do these because it’s a test of my mental fortitude, this is where I learn whether or not I am as tough as I think I am, today I realized I’m a big bitch.
If you watch the video below, notice the rate of my burpees during round one, and then the speed of my burpees in round 3. Round one I am like a gazelle, and in round 3 I am like a hippo. During the 4th and partial 5th round, I reached deep to find that extra gear which pushes me though to the end of timed workouts, and I had nothing there, it’s like reaching into your pocket for another bullet, and realizing that all you have left is a pack of gum.
Today taught me a lesson, about changing how I approach my workouts. In the past more, was always better. Walk more, run more, more time in the gym was always better, anything that got my body moving more often was better, yet when that more comes at the expense of compromising performance, I think that’s when I know it’s time to back away, or take a break. I don’t want to reach these consistent states of exhaustion, because they are always followed by prolonged mental checkouts, where I go to the gym, and I am just going through the motions, so I get my gold star for showing up.
I find personal benefit in my extra work, but I realize today it must be tempered, and applied at appropriate times. My plan is to not do a the extra work this 3 day cycle, and bring it back during the next one on days where there is only a short Metcon. On longer metcon days I won’t do any extra work regardless of how I feel.
Had I had a little left in the reserve I would have able to do the snatch at 135 lbs, and done at least 1 more full round of the metcon. When attempting workouts with high intensity, high output, and consistent rest patterns are just as important as the work. This is a strange and unfamiliar place for me, I guess sometimes less can be more, especially when you are on the borderline of over training.
A friend I met at fat camp earlier this year has been struggling every since he got home, so much so that he took another trip back to fat camp, only this time at another location. Dwayne has his own blog, which you can read here. You will see large gaps between his posts, during those spans of time he is usually beating himself up and making things worse.
I am here to deliver a little tough love, and for the most part hope to shift his paradigm from short term unsustainable activity to long term sustainability.
A quick digression and backdrop, he’s had similar issues with his weight that I’ve had, a constant ying-yang of ballooning up into the high 300’s and then getting back down to the high 290’s. When he’s on, he’s on and pushing hard, when I first met him one of his goals was to achieve his RKC (Russian Kettlebell Certification) you can check them out here.
When he’s on he’s kicking ass, and giving everything he has, yet when things start to head in a less positive direction he really starts to beat up on himself, which turns into a defeatist attitude.
I say that line with love Dwayne. One big belly to another!
There is video below of my fellow red shirted fat brother doing a beach workout with Sam at fat camp. Notice when the tiger is prodded it fights like a tiger.
Back to the main point.
Dwayne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After reading your recent blog posts, I’ve made an assumption about one of the issues you are having…stop buying all that technological horseshit which tells you nothing. Body Bugg, Fitbit, Jawbone, Up it’s all crap.
Do not use the information those devices give you as if it were providing some type of accurate empirical data. It’s shit, it’s a huge heaping pile of cow dung, I don’t care about the science, the human body is too complicated for some $100 device to accurately tell you how many calories it’s consumed in a day, and I’m sure most of those devices are based on certain scientific assumption which in and of itself could be completely inaccurate.
I see you posting the number of calories you bruned in a workout, or the steps you have taken in a day, it may feel good, but what is it really doing to how you are conditioning yourself? I truly believe your desire to purchase these devices is the core of your problems when you get home.
By using devices like Up, or Jawbone you will end up justifying poor food choices with the idea that you can just work it out. This is a great idea in theory, and if you do this all the time they have a term for this “EXERCISE BULIMIA”. Yes I am telling you that when you do this you are acting like a teenaged girl with an eating disorder.
Are you going to live the rest of your life, having to get on an Arc Trainer or Treadmill every time you have a scoop of ice cream, or a donut as a treat? I thought the whole point of all of this effort was to have a better quality of life. In living in this type of cycle doesn’t sound like a better a quality of life, just a more insane one.
I’ve been down this road before, and it allows you to eat shit, because in your mind you think “Oh I’ll just go run or get on the elliptical for an hour and it’s all better”. This is also the road that got most of us down the road of obesity.
You say to yourself I can eat this crap now, and I’ll go workout in the afternoon. Then your insulin levels are so high you are probably having a diabetic attack, so your body shuts down and you pass out. You don’t go workout, and then tell yourself I’ll go do double the work tomorrow. Of course you don’t, and then you start this shitty cycle all over again.
It’s fucking maddening!!
Horseshit!
If it were as easy as the “calorie balance”, I would already be 200 lbs, be married to Jessica Alba, have a male endowment resembling a donkey, drive a Ferrari, and use my G5 to take Jessica to the Oscars, and I would get to comfort her with the donkey in my pants...point made.
While you are still at fat camp you have to stop trying to balance your calories like a checkbook, because in that checkbook there are no allocations for your hormones, insulin levels, or just general chemical imperfections. How many times after a weigh in do you see people pissed because they did all the work, ate what we ate, and lose nothing?
Then the people at the ridge just say, “I don’t know, sometimes you just don’t lose weight”. What Fitness Ridge does is give you a place to pull yourself from your life, and work on you, it’s a vacuum, but they are by no means a scientific team. Do they even have a Staff Doctor?
With your remaining time, start mentally getting ready to go home…
In your workouts start find other means to push yourself. During a Mountain Session on the Arc Trainer try and exceed the distance you traveled from the previous session. On the hikes, try and finish the same hikes at a faster pace, during cardio intervals pick a speed you will carry for the top minute and do it every time, then the next time beat that shit.
Your inability to stay on the path is not because you are lazy, or lack the effort it’s because your head is completely in the wrong place. Counting calories to establish portion control is vital, I’m still doing it today. Because I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life eating 10,000 calories, I have to teach my dumb fat brain what 2500 calories looks like in a day. In this light, count away.
I have a regular commenter on my blog, who says the same fucking shit over, and over, most of the time I think he’s full of shit, but on this one point I agree 100%, YOU CAN’T OUTWORK BAD NUTRITION!
Teach yourself to eat before you teach yourself to work. Focus on the food, focus on the right foods, and things will get better, but using the manipulative computerized shit just programs your brain to think you can always save your bad eating with good exercise. That’s crap!
I think of the Jawbone, UP, Fitbit, and Body Bug like all the crap bad golfers buy to improve their golf swing. I know you have made fun of someone you know who has every fucking gadget to improve his swing, but never takes a lesson, or goes to the driving range to work on his, or even attempt to study what is wrong with his swing.
It’s because we all want a magic bullet, that secret recipe, well buddy I hate to tell this to you it exists, and you can’t buy it. It’s inside your head, and it’s in you. You have change how you think about the work ahead of you.
In returning to the work part, don’t just think about time, or purely distance, make it competitive. Competition helps to breed success; if nothing else from Crossfit I’ve learned how to sustain a constant high output.
It’s hard for me to keep the intensity on my own all the time, doing the same bullshit cardio machines over and over, and it’s hard to find the fire, but when my brain is challenged all the time to beat specific personal thresholds, I find the will, and when pushed to beat certain people I not only find the will, but the mojo too.
We did a WoD today that involved doing one handed kettle bell snatches. I’ve never done these before, but my work with Michael C in Malibu makes confident in working with Kettle bells. The prescribed weight was 53 lbs, most of the people in my class picked the 35 lbs kettle bell, even people who normally do the workouts prescribed picked the 35 lbs kettle bell, being the big bitch that I am I grabbed both. I started with the 53 lbs, and used the 35 lbs as safety net if the other one got too heavy.
I never touched the 35 lbs kettle bell, because inside I said to myself fuck this today I am going to out work these guys on this one thing because I fucking can.
With your remaining time there stop using all of those useless technological devices, don’t even use a heart rate monitor. Set a target, like running 8 mph on the treadmill for each part of the top of the Cardio Intervals, or doing Mountain all on the treadmill running, no walking, run the entire time.
Don’t deprive yourself of food, if you’re hungry eat fruit, eat a snack, and eat the extra egg you get in the morning. There is a difference between controlling your intake, and depriving your body’s innate desire to survive.
I guess what I am saying you have to fix how you think about this endeavor; it’s not a fucking journey, journey’s end at some point. This is an evolution; evolve your thinking, yourself, and your life.
The name of the game is long term sustainability; we can do anything for a short time in a vacuum. You learn far more when you expose the vacuum to the outside air. Find a way to make it work for you in the long run. Pick a path that is sustainable, you have tried other ways when you go home, and we both know they weren’t sustainable.
They guy I met in Malibu, who did the Beach Workout with Sam can handle this shit, he just has to get his mind right, and change the way he thinks about the work. On a personal level you and I both know, you can’t make any more trips back to Fitness Ridge, beyond the financial cost, there are bigger issues involved now, don’t let your fear of change be the reason you bring stress to your life.
You can finish this strong, you can finish this all the way, and I don’t want to have to come out Indiana to whoop your ass. One because I want to go to Indiana as much as I want to visit Juarez during a cartel war, and two because I would probably get lynched whooping a white man’s ass in public.
Video below from my WoD today. You have that same fire, find it, and learn to fuel it.
I wrote not too long about what motivates me, you can read that post here; most of those points were goals, or emotions that I have which drive me. After a recent post on the PCF blog I wanted to post a few ideas, and thoughts that I use to keep pushing.
How you finish determines how you progress in the next workout…I find that the most important part of any workout is the end, those last few reps, or the last minute of any AMRAP, or the final round of work. It’s in these moments you find out about yourself as a person, about your determination, and your desire to succeed. It’s here you muster everything that you have to prove to yourself that you are capable, and striving for excellence. It’s also scientifically shown that the reps completed at the point of failure are the ones which help you grow.
Incremental Progress over time, equals Significant Improvement…I’ve found that as time moves trying to add an additional 5 lbs here and there, or taking a part of a Metcon and doing it Rx is a step towards doing all of your workouts Rx. Everything that is substantial was started with something significantly small, a powerful river stared somewhere as a snowflake, or drop of rain which flows down a mountain and over time becomes a river.
Your body is ready to the work, your mind has to be taught to endure…Our bodies are something amazing, that science doesn’t completely understand, with an innate ability to adapt and survive, we have also been blessed with reason which at times can prevent us from improving our physical state. The natural aversion to pain, is a stumbling block to our growth. I push this barrier as much as I can, the pain you feel is a temporary moment of stimulus, it’s your body sending receptors to the brain to say hey I don’t like this because it might hurt us, I routinely tell my body to go fuck itself. The pride you feel, and sense of accomplishment you feel when fighting through these moments is all yours, no one can take it from you, and it something you did on your own.
Attitude is everything...Your mental state of mind is everything. If you show up tired, and lazy your workout is going to be the same. When you don’t feel right, and you need to show up, fucking fake it, but show up determined and ready to do what you need to do, an indomitable spirit is a vehicle that will always lead you to success. Never accept defeat, and use your small setbacks as motivators to improve those areas, and then improve your ability to work.
Be Honest with yourself…Don’t sugar coat shit, your work is what it is, if you don’t do it right it doesn’t count. If you had a bad day admit it learn from it, and grow. We live in a society today built on false promises, false premises, and inflated egos. Check that shit, and be honest with yourself. If you can’t accept where you are today you will never succeed. Acceptance is the first step in changing everything; this is what can really get me frustrated. I look at a period of time, and look at the results and at times get too hard on myself because I am so focused on the end result. Being honest with yourself can help you actually enjoy the ride.
The difference between winners and losers is that Losers race to Win, while winners just love to race…What I take from this quote is that results are the end goal are important, but importantly is how you got there, did you get there giving everything that you had, did you achieve second place after a half assed attempt or by challenging yourself every single day. If you focus on becoming better each day, and find joy in the race then you are a winner. I would rather come in second 1000 times knowing I did everything that I could to win, than 1 time having cheated, or fucked someone over to win.
This is not the gospel according to Louis, but are ideas that help fuel my motivation, take it for what it is…
A little bit on me…
I write this next part for the benefit of my fellow Brothers and Sisters in arms at PCF. Most of you reading this have provided great advice, and for a large chunk of the population it’s fantastic, yet I understand where I am coming from.
I was born 16 lbs, and my bulbous melon today is the direct result of being a watermelon passing through a human birthing canal. From all accounts of those who where around then, my mother barely survived the birth, being the end of the 70’s c-sections were not as common place as they are today. There is actually a picture of my cousin who is about 6 months young than me, lying next to me, and it looks like a regular Asian baby next to an a genetically altered alien, a descendent of Remulak.
I spent most of my childhood over weight, food was love from my parents, and from my grandmother who lost much of her young adult life to the Korean War. My grandmother used to wake me up while sleeping as a baby to feed me, because she was afraid I would die while sleeping.
By the time I reached the 6th I weighed 180 lbs, by the time I reached high school I was tipping the scale at 280 lbs. Fortunately, I spent most of my youth learning Tae Kwon Do, and then started to play Lacrosse in 7th grade, so for an obese kid I was mobile.
Between my Freshman and Sophomore year in high school I lost a 100 lbs, I basically didn’t feed myself and used my Nordic Track like it was a syringe full of heroine. I lived to wake up and spend an hour on that fucking machine, and burn as many calories as could, then I would spend the rest of the day avoiding food, adults who were family friends found it uncomfortable to eat while I was at the table, because there would be times I would burst into tears because I wanted to eat so bad, but chose not to, it was a mental test for me, which I won every day.
This is clearly not healthy relationship with food, and it’s not sustainable. My ability to function became impaired, and I eventually had to quit playing lacrosse because I just didn’t have the energy to play. I spent the next 10 years of my life at 175 lbs. After college, I opened a small business which failed, I lost a 100,000 of investor money. All of these investors were either family or close friends of the family.
I went into a deep depression, and gained 100 lbs in less than a year, and couldn’t put the brakes on until I was way over 400 lbs. I don’t tell you these things to garner sympathy or pity, but you need to understand that when you spend a big portion of your life battling something that you have to do, then some of your advice is misguided.
If it were a simple matter of smoking, or drinking, you can eliminate those things and avoid them. You can’t avoid food. You can choose not to associate with people who do the things that you are avoiding, everyone has to eat. Add to this that for most obese people the desire to overeat is not just an emotional one, the insatiable cravings caused by out of control insulin levels, and unstable hormones are real and visceral, so how do you solve a medical problem with will power?
I bring this point up because the idea that I should avoid a scale, and just eat intuitively is not feasible. How can you eat intuitively when your intuition is skewed into the wrong direction, and you have no idea what, and how much you should eat. Further the scale is not everything, but again I don’t want to be a fit 275 lbs, that’s not the body I want to carry it’s a personal decision, which I have to live with. Body mass matters, because studies have shown people who weigh less live longer, and beyond that it would make feel better not because society tells me so, because I am uncomfortable in my own skin today because of all the excess shit I carry. The scale is a tool to help me understand where my body is at any given time.
I also need to measure the quantities of what I eat, so I know what’s acceptable, it’s not something I want to do, nor do I enjoy doing, yet again it’s a necessary tool in my life so I can condition my mind and body to understand what is acceptable in order to attain the physique I want.
If I don’t know, how do I learn? I have to measure and figure out what a good portion is, otherwise I will keep overeating. In the last week I’ve realized that I was eating in the wrong direction and not eating enough. This is something that most non-overweight people just don’t get, because you all do eat intuitively. I want to be like you, but I have to condition myself to understand how to get there…
At the end of the day I appreciate everyone’s input, and enjoy the comments, because it gives me things to think about, I just wanted you all to know where I am coming from.
I had an extended conversation with Ian last night, after I texted him in the morning for help. He was pretty nonchalant about meeting up with me, he did not question why, or offer assistance, it was as if he already knew the problem and solution…
We met up around 5 pm in Shirlington Village, we talked a bit about his business, I am keenly interested in what his company does, and wish it much success because he has great ideas and clearly understand his industry. When the subject of my issue came up, I was a bit uncomfortable, because I normally don’t like to talk about myself, but also have a hard time being told that I’m the cause of my own problems. Perhaps this is not uniquely an issue related to my personality, but I’m sure most people don’t like being told dumbass, get out of your own way.
Contrary to the beliefs of Annoyed Shady, Shay Shay Shady, and White Shady (who are all the same person), I don’t eat like shit, in fact my problem which I had to be told 1000 x by Ian is that I’m probably not eating enough. When I was working out with Ian on a regular basis he would tell me that my workout is not done until I ate some good clean protein, some carbs, and a fat after a workout to give my body the macronutrients it needs to rebuild itself.
He also told me some time ago, that I should eat approximately 1 gram of protein per pound of weight I want to weigh in the future, which means I should eat about 200-225 grams of protein on a daily basis, this is a tough concept to grasps, because at 4 calories per gram that’s already 1000 calories of my daily intake, and when attempting to eat only 1800-2000 calories a day to optimize my weight loss, there isn’t much room for anything else.
It is at this point he got a little annoyed with me, having told me the same thing for the thousands time, he again reiterated with the vigor of a football coach, I now paraphrase for effect, fuck nuts stop eating like a fat guy trying to be thin, and eat like an athlete. This is hard for me to grasp, because I don’t feel athletic or even remotely resemble an athlete; I’m a fit fat guy.
The kind of guy you look at and say he probably played sports in high school, and maybe college but clearly enjoyed pot and beer more than athletics, not that this happened, but when your college and you have friends who get the best pot you have smoked Fedex’ed to you, it’s kind of hard not to smoke up, play Mario Cart, and max out your meal cards flex points in an hour…not that I now what that’s like…pot is bad, it’s for hippies.
What he was telling me didn’t start to click, until he told me to look at the past 4 months. The workouts have been consistent, if anything I was over training, then look at my sleep, and rest, and the only variable that was not altered to match my work load was my food consumption. He said that it should be even more apparent now because I have picked 1 methodology of working out. Ian views Crossfit objectively, he feels it’s far better than most methods of “exercise” but it has its limitations. He’s not a hater, and he’s not a kool-aid drinker, he even thinks I should stick with it to prove to myself that the issue is my food consumption, or lack thereof.
When I started this evolution in March I was eating 1200 calories a day, so an increase to 2000 felt like I was over eating. So his suggestion to eat closer to 2500-3000 or not even care and to focus on the macronutrient profile is a scary fucking thought.
I feel like a guy who is climbing a mountain, a difficult mountain, and every pound lost is a step towards the summit and up until July the less I ate the more steps I was taking towards to the summit. Today it feels like if I eat more, then I am sliding backwards, because I will gain weight.
Ian further explained the point to me that if I don’t give my body the nourishment it needs to rebuild itself, it will find this energy on its own, namely in my muscle tissue. I may be getting all this wrong, but he said after a workout I have damaged muscle tissue, and that the body needs protein to recover and rebuild tissue. When I under nourish myself and then ask it to build muscle, it’s going to choose survival over building new muscle, so it will just consume the damaged muscle tissue, because it’s easier than trying to mobilize stored fats.
He told me I could choose to not eat, and continue doing what I’m doing, and that if I ate less that I probably would lose weight, but that over the larger scope of time I would have lost far muscle tissue than fat, and end up being a thinner fat guy.
I don’t want to be a fit fat guy, nor do I want to be a thin fat guy. I have a clear picture of what a man should be physically, and that’s what I’m striving for, it has nothing to do with the bullshit marketing that’s out there, but more about feeling more rugged, masculine, and ultimately powerful.
In the interest of testing this theory, and possible get out of this plateau I made a decision to see how long I can go trying to eat 225 grams of protein a day, so I am going back to a food journal. I’ve given myself a 5 lbs window, so if I go back up to 280 lbs as a result, I will continue to see it through, if I get above that number I know I’ve fucked this up somehow.
I also have a 30 day window. I said I would see Crossfit through the month of December, and I plan on sticking to that plan, now I am adding a 30 day window of eating enough protein to sustain muscle mass at a lighter weight.
I was also given a token, the extra cardio he says is probably not doing much for me, but if it makes me feel better I should keep doing it, he called it my placebo, I call it trying to find my dark place.
I never thought I would reach a point where I would have to eat more to lose weight, we shall see if this is the right plan.
(NOTE: Anyone who is considering Crossfit, and unsure about the Crazy people throwing barbells around, and feel intimated by what you preceive, read the following post, and then read all the remarks from people I have met through Crossfit, it's the community that brings you back to ednure the pain.)
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